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Any single mums with the kid's father living abroad?How do you cope???

(9 Posts)
tetti Fri 23-May-08 11:16:40

Split up with my 5 year old's dad last summer.He now sees her every weekend.
He has now decided that he wants to live abroad.That may take a year or so to get into plan,but,I'm thinking of how this will affect our little girl.
Obviously many kids don't have a dad in their lives at all,so they don't know any different,but my girl adores her dad.
He said he needs to put himself first,and that he cannot think of our girl,that he'd end up hating her and me if he had to stay here only because of her,charming!!!

If he moved,I'm pretty sure that he'd just gradually fade out of her life I guess,not what she needs.

From a VERY selfish point of view,if this happens I'll have no life!!!
Feel guilty for thinking like that,but now I spend every other weekend with my boyfriend,I get to have some me time,vital for my sanity as I have a very demanding ft job.
I take my girl to school,work with kids,then pick up my girl,work for another few hrs,cook,play with her,put her to bed,then I study for 3 hrs as I'm doing a longdistance university course(to help improve mine and my daughters future).
I just need some time just for me sometimes or I'd go nuts!!!

I haven't got any family here who could help me out or give me the odd night off.
I don't think I could afford a babysitter either.
His parents live a few hrs away from her,but his mum's not very good with our girl at all,and my girl is not happy about spending any time with her.

My girl's dad pays only £40 a month in childsupport,soory,correction,he hasn't for months,but claims he will start doing that now.He can afford to go on holidays abroad,and has a cigarette habit that cost him around £150 a month,but he claims she doesn't cost more than £40 a month to support(don't ask me where he got those figures from!)

So,when he does move,it will turn our lives upside down.
My major concern is how it will affect my daughter,not just in the immediate future,but also longterm,what with always having had her dad around,then suddenly,he's gone,how will she take that?
Know of other people who's children has become very messed up about it,so that concerns me a great deal.

Any advice from someone who's in a similar situation?

avenanap Fri 23-May-08 11:25:53

My ds's father moved to Ireland about 4 years ago. His plan was to fly over every month and see ds for the 2 days he was over. That's never happened. He see's ds once a year, sometimes twice. I don't have a life anymore because I can only go out if my neighbour babysits. He's missed out on so much of ds's life it's sad really. He phones ds on christmas and his birthday, he's written once. I have to do everything. I found ds's school, I take him every day and collect him. I am waiting for ds to get a bit older so that I can study medicine as I won't be able to find anyone to collect him from school unless I pay them. His parents hardly see ds, his uncle doesn't even bother to send him a birthday card and he only lives 15 mins drive away.
In the long term ds doesn't seem bothered. He's very attached to me though, he's very loving and helpful. I imagine it would be very difficult for your dd if he has always been around. It is a very selfish thing for a parent to do IMO, a child must be put first and this can never be the case in these situations. You will adjust though, it does take a while but it's managable.

CapricaSix Fri 23-May-08 12:31:03

Hi Tetti.
My dd's dad lives abroad, he moved back there before I even knew I was pg, so it's always been that way. So I can't offer much advice re your dd i'm afraid. For my dd she doesn't know anything else, we are in touch with her dad by email & the odd phone call and some day when she's a bit older we're intending to get together. That's just the way it is.

Re the change your personal life is going to take, though. You are just going to have to get into a different mindset. Again, it is a lot easier for me re my boyfriend because he has been around since I was pg so again, it's always been this way and he is a big part of our lives as a family too, not just my boyfriend iykwim. I hardly ever go to boyf's house, which sometimes feels strange but we're used to it. (So envy of every other weekend free together though!) We got very good at spending time indoors together - we have watched tons of films & tv programmes (we're both sci fi geeks!) over the years, and listening to music, playing cards etc, and for special occasions candle lit dinners are nice too.

In terms of "me-time" I'm assuming you work full time? I work part time so the two days that dd is at school is my time, though it's a bit frustrating because it still doesn't seem enough time to just relax, there's always something that needs doing, or dd off sick, or i need to swap days around at work, etc. I struggle in the summer holidays though! wink

I've always guarded my evenings preciously too - I try and get as much houseworky stuff done during the day so that the evenings I am free to do as I like. I am going to study properly with the OU next year though (doing short courses this year which don't take up too much time!) so it will be harder then, I am trying to make myself go to bed earlier so that I have the energy & motivation the next day.

I do have my parents and a couple of close friends who are willing to babysit once in a while when we want to go out, I probably arrange something once every couple of months, sometimes more. I realise I am very, very lucky to have that support network. Do you have any friends who could help you now & then? Or the opportunity to make some mummy friends in connection with the school or something? (not that I ever managed to do that?)

brandy7 Fri 23-May-08 23:01:44

A lady i chat to on another forum has an 8year old daughter whos father has moved to Asia. The little girl went over there for Easter and is planning to go back and visit in the summer holidays, inbetween visits she is chatting to dad on the phone and webcam. He is also going to come to England and stay with his parents and have his daughter stay there as well.

The lady did put her foot down at dads insistance that his daughter went for this half term, but due to the very long travel there and back he did realise that a week isnt long enough and she would have gone back to school kernackered.

Apparently the girl is quite happy and looking forward to her next trip, obviously shes a bit older and has a relative chaperone her.

boredveryverybored Fri 23-May-08 23:35:22

My dd's dad moved to Ireland when she was around 1yr old, so young enough to not really remember him being around. For us it is working ok, he does fly over every 4 - 6 weeks for a weekend and spends it with her and always has, now she's older (7) she has started going to him for holidays and for the first time this summer will spend most of the school holidays with him. I suppose it really depends on what kind of father he is and how commited he is to keeping that relationship with his dd.
I'm also very lucky in that I have a lot of support from my mum and she will babysit for me if I want to go out between visits from exp.
Sorry havn't been much help have I blush
Has he said what he would intend to do with regards to seeing your dd?

tetti Sat 24-May-08 14:07:08

Nope,he claims he'll come once or twice a year,but as it is,he has her every other weekend,and takes her out for a couple of hrs every other sat when she doesn't stay with him,and he never rings to check on her in between.Ih he rings,is just to speak to me and ramble on about women or how much money he's spent on his hols,great,especially considering he doesn't pay one penny towards her upkeep.
Haven't taken him to the CSA as I know he'd probably just bugger off then,will have to have another word with the old mother in law to see if she can put the pressure on in regards to that.

gillybean2 Thu 29-May-08 17:29:12

It is tough not having time to yourself.

My son's father lives in America and is a US citizen. He has no contact or involvement in his son's life (his choice and I have tried to persuade him to reconsider more than once but he refuses).

I get very little help or support from family, and have a non existant social life. I have to pay out for holiday clubs (which I do get help towards on WTC & CTC or I could never afford it), and have to work part time to accomodate school hours.

In some ways you're lucky to have already found someone new, because finding someone new when you don't have any 'me time' is next to impossible I have found. The only time I get me time is when I put my son into a holiday club and have a day off and then I feel guilty for doing so!

Maybe now is the time to think about where and your new bf are going and how you are going to manage things if and when the arrangements change..? Time to step it up a gear maybe. If you were a couple living together would child care arrangements and being able to afford a babysitter sometimes be easier for you all? On the other hand does being single mean you are better off as you are entitled to help with childcare costs. Tricky one isn't it...

Ric77 Sun 18-Oct-15 22:32:25

Hi Mums i am a new dad and we live in australia and my partner if i can still call us partners , she wants to move back to uk where she has family and friends support, our baby is only 4 months old and im feeling very depressed just to think in being away from my princess, anyone can help
Me ??

TheTigerIsOut Mon 19-Oct-15 22:17:18

Ric, it may be a good idea to start a new thread as this one is so old you may not get much of a response.

There are somethings that you need to consider, and above all put yourself in her shoes and try to answer the following questions:

- Does my partner has a network of support to help her cope during the exhausting first years?
- Does she has a steady income?
- Are you in a steady, mutually supportive, committed relationship?
- Are you truly helping her with the baby, meaning doing night feeds and taking over when you are at home so she can have some time to herself? Or is she doing most of the work and you only play with the baby for a little time each day?
- Are you living together?

I know that it is heartbreaking to see your baby moving away, but if your partner doesn't have an adequate network of support in Australia, it is not surprising that she wants to go home to have access to the family/friends supoort she needs to raise that baby.

Can you help her to stay by helping her to build that network she needs? Can you move to the US with her?

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