Need advice desperately

[amfay]

Xp took dd (11 months)out on his own with his son for the first time since we split and lied to me about where he was taking her. He knows I don't want her around his friends because they all drink to excess, including him. So he said he was taking her to his mum's, which he did, (I called to check) and said he'd have her back by around 3.30 and we'd all take her to the park. At 4.15 I called him and he said he was round these friends' house. I knew when he was taking her that he was lying about something, but after calling him and speaking to him at his mum's house I assumed I'd misjudged him and he had been telling the truth after all, but now I realise he had been planning all along to take her to his friends. I know I can't stop him seeing who he wants when he has her, but is there anything I can do about the fact that he deliberately lied to me about where she would be and with whom? This is just the first time he's had her on his own, how the hell can I trust him with her in the future? I have been on the floor this afternoon, just can't stop crying. She's back with me now, but I really need to let him know he just can't do this. He came back with his son so I couldn't say a word, but I'm sure he'll try to talk about it later when his son's gone to bed. I just want to tell him he can't see dd, I am so angry and upset that he's done this. Sorry, I'm ranting on, but I can't believe it's got to this so soon.

[kittywise]

Well, don't let him take her until you think you can trust him

It is not unreasonable of you to want to keep your baby away from drunks.

You must protect her and perhaps you can tell him he can't take her out on his own again ( at least not in the immediate future) until you feel he is a responsible adult)

[piratecat]

Very sorry to hear this first exp turned out so upsetting for you.

I think that in time oyu are going to have situations that you don't like, and unfortunately unless you can prove your dd is at risk, there won't bemuch you can do to stop him taking her where he likes.

I know that sounds harsh, but he will lie to you anyway, I have had same exp.

You can try to lay down some ground rules, and it depends how amicible you and he are.

At the end of the day as the father, he has rights.

Tell him, when you get a chance that you wouldlike to have his mobile numer if he is taking dd elsewhere, other than where he has said.

He won't want to/ prob won't be able to tell you in advance what his timetable will be when he has dd.

If it gets to the point where you simply cannot trust him, then a letter form a solicitor saying this, might do the trick in making him think.

Its a bloody nightmare, and so hard to let them go with thier dad's.

[amfay]

I just wish he'd get pulled up for drink driving, then I'd have a case to stop him taking dd in the car at least. Nobody can believe he hasn't been done yet, he goes to work every morning over the limit from the night before. Having said that, he didn't appear to have been drinking today. I have drummed it into his stupid head that he is not to drink and put dd in the car (he has admitted to doing this with his son). I have his number and we have been amicable recently, but I am just so angry that he's decieved me I couldn't even look him in the face when he brought dd back. I know he adores dd and would never do anything to hurt her, but I just can't trust him. It is so very hard to let them go with their dads, makes me wish I'd gone to a sperm bank!

[amfay]

I just wish he'd get pulled up for drink driving, then I'd have a case to stop him taking dd in the car at least. Nobody can believe he hasn't been done yet, he goes to work every morning over the limit from the night before. Having said that, he didn't appear to have been drinking today. I have drummed it into his stupid head that he is not to drink and put dd in the car (he has admitted to doing this with his son). I have his number and we have been amicable recently, but I am just so angry that he's decieved me I couldn't even look him in the face when he brought dd back. I know he adores dd and would never do anything to hurt her, but I just can't trust him. It is so very hard to let them go with their dads, makes me wish I'd gone to a sperm bank!

[piratecat]

It must be very hard.

If you genuinely have maojor concerns, then there really isn't anything to stop you stopping him form having her.
yet as we all know on here, there is difference between feeling you wanting to do this and actully doing it.

Many women on here just want ot be the peace makers, and I don't mean that horribly, cos i am one of them. We desp want o be fair, and try and 'make up' for the ex's behaviour, to encourage contact etc...

Your little one is very little, it must be heart rending.

You could try talking again, and saying, that if he doesn't let you know where he is you will seek advice??

[amfay]

Thanks Piratecat, I will have to speak to him about this when I've calmed down. I know he wouldn't hurt her, but his lying to me so early on just makes me fearful for the future. She is such a baby, she's still breastfeeding, and she spends all her time with me, so I don't think it's unreasonable of me to want to know where she is and who with, more to the point, that she's safe. I believe he didn't drink today, but given his history, that won't last. There's definitely something wrong with a legal system that says fathering a child makes you a father. Next time I see one of those fathers for justice (or whatever they call themselves) hanging off the houses of parliament, I shall be willing him to just fall off

[Katiekins83]

Hi! was just having a breif read through your thread when i spotted one large error... unless you were/are married to the father of your children in this country the mother gets the parental rights. so yes you can lay down the law with your childrns father...other than that call crimestoppers and get him done for drink driving!
i had the same problem...my XP is also a drinker and will tell you anything you want to hear to get/do what he wants...needless to say he does not take my son anywhere where i cannot see him, so we go to play centres where he can go play with him and i can sit and watch and there is definitly no drink! i think there should be a law against being drunk in charge of a toddler...they need all your attention...same as driving a car!
hope things get better.

[piratecat]

I thought the law changed in 2003, to say that as long as the father was named on the birth certificate, he would have joint parental responsibility.

op's dc is ten months old.

[piratecat]

From the DirectGov website

Who possesses parental responsibility?
The law in relation to parental responsibility has recently been revised. In relation to children born after 1 December 2003 (England and Wales), 15 April 2002 (Northern Ireland) or 4 May 2006 (Scotland), both of a child?s parents have parental responsibility if they are registered on the child?s birth certificate. This applies irrespective of whether the parents are married or not. A child?s biological parents are the child?s legal parents (although legal parenthood does not necessarily confer parental responsibility), unless the child has been adopted or was born as the result of some methods of assisted reproduction.

[charlotte121]

my ex went through a faze of taking ds to the pub which i thought was totally un-acceptable so i had a rule that he could only see ds in my flat. I would go out if he wanted to be alone. still dont trust him but he knows now thaty he cant take ds to pub.

[Tippychick]

Have you considered a child contact centre? My X sees my 19mo in my house or on short tips tp the park etc, I wouldn't trust him to go away with her. Not that I think he'd hurt her but just be thoughtless and not consider her needs properly. But if you have more serious concerns, as it seems you do, about unsafe emnvironments then a contact centre might be the way for a while. At least until she gets big enough to tell you where she's been and how she feels!