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Exp says he'll exchange money for me to get out of his life

(13 Posts)
tammybear Sun 09-Jan-05 14:23:27

I asked exp to help me out with the money I need to pay for dd's nursery. His reply was that he doesnt want to see me at all for a few years, maybe even 5. And that the money he'll give me is in exchange for me to get out of his life as he never wants to see me again. And he wants to see dd at my mums. My reply was that's not going to happen because it's not fair on my mum or the rest of my family to put up with them (I didnt put it quite like that though) and that the weekend (when they come) is the only time my mum gets to herself, and besides my mum doesnt really like them that much either. I think it would be really unfair to ask of her to give up her days off to have them round.

Last time I saw him was 15 December, which was dd's birthday. He came down, we got on alright. I get on better with him when his parents aren't there, but I wouldn't say we get on brilliantly. We're civil and talk anyway. He rang me up Christmas Eve drunk, and started saying things which were out of line, saying things about me which made me feel really uncomfortable as he still has feelings for me. He also rang me up crying later on. Well the next day he said he was sorry and that he wouldnt speak to me again. Was suppose to come on 30th to see dd, but didnt come and only told my mum that he wasnt coming. Didnt bother saying to me. He said he was ill with a bad cold and didnt want to pass it on to dd. I hadn't heard from him, until I asked him if he could help out with dd's nursery fees.

Not too sure what to think of what he has said. He usually says things in the heat of the moment that he doesnt mean, but I don't see why he's pissed off, as I haven't said anything to upset him or piss him off, as I just asked if he could help out.

Frizbe Sun 09-Jan-05 15:07:12

I don't know your circumstances so unsure if this would work for you, but couldn't your ex partner have dd for the weekend for his access? say evey other week? this way he could pick her up from nursery and drop her back off there, thus negating having to see you?
Alternatively if he's not working, he could pick dd up from nursery on the monday and have her at his for several nights during the week? dropping her back on the friday am, for you to pick her up friday pm, thus again not seeing you and you get some social time of your own to re build your social life?

tammybear Sun 09-Jan-05 15:09:50

he lives 3 hours away so that wouldnt work, Ive always said it would be better off if he lived nearer so we wouldnt have to see one another much, and I could allow him to have her there.

Frizbe Sun 09-Jan-05 16:47:27

don't wish to wind you up but my dh used to live 3 hrs away from his ss and it worked for them, he know lives 1.5hrs away.... but I guess its personal preference, would you feel better if you could check out where he's living etc? as I don't know your circ's I can't really say, but unless he's been a very bad man, he should still have access to his daughter without you being there. Like I say this is only advice, I don't wish to start a war, as I know these things are not good at the best of times. (hugs) and I hope you find a solution.

tammybear Sun 09-Jan-05 16:59:51

its ok Frizbe. dd has been to exp's once before, without me being there and i wasnt comfortable with it at all, in fact it made me ill with worry, but still allowed him to have her. it wasn't long after we had broken up that this happened so dd knew who he was roughly. since, he has had irregular contact with her, and has gone up to 12 weeks without seeing her at a time. i know where he lives so thats not the problem, but i dont think he's responsible enough to have her on his own. its little things like he cant change her nappy which he'd probably get the hang of, but when he comes to see her, he just plays with her and thats not all that goes with it. he doesnt drive either, so it would mean me having to go there and come back again as i wouldnt be able to stay over, and i dont particular fancy driving 6 hours on the M1. if he had more regular contact with her so she knew he was better, i think i would feel better about it, as dd doesnt realise that he is her father (shes 2) and sometimes when he comes, she hides and runs away which also worries me. but its not the first time he has gone off on one of these moods, when he says he wont come down etc.

pinkdiamond Sun 09-Jan-05 17:13:05

Message withdrawn

tammybear Sun 09-Jan-05 17:13:48

I asked him to leave pinkdiamond

Beetroot Sun 09-Jan-05 17:41:58

Message withdrawn

tammybear Sun 09-Jan-05 17:56:22

I found out why exp said those things. He's found out about dp, although I thought he knew about him already. It's really weird, because he knew I was going on holiday with dp last year as I told him myself that I was going there with him, and he hit the roof when I said about it, and last month, he caught dp running out of my house in the morning when exp came to visit (exp turned up early and I was still in my pjs ) and he always refers to dp as "the guy he will hate forever". After I told exp about the holiday, that was when he didnt come again til 3 months later, so I dont know if its going to be another spell of him not seeing dd for a while or what

Frizbe Sun 09-Jan-05 18:35:21

well said beetroot, sounds like a good idea to me

tammybear Sun 09-Jan-05 18:49:44

I might say that to him tomorrow. Think I should leave it tonight til he calms down

bonkerz Sun 09-Jan-05 18:57:37

IME when i had lots of trouble with my exp regarding ds we went to see a mediaotr! This is free if oyu are on benefits or a low wage so oyu would be able to claim legal aid. You will get a chance to speak with oyur exp regarding your dd with a legal person there who is impartial.

When i went with exp the mediator agreed that exp needed to show commitment to his child and arrnaged visits for him with an impartial person present at the local social cervices office. In my case exp never turned up and also gave up his rights to see ds and hasnt ever since and that was 3 years ago!

Does your exp pay maintenance? If he does then it is this that should be helping to pay costs such as childcare. Have you spokent o a Lone Parent advisor? When i went back to work the government gave me a grant to pay for the deposit at the nursery and also £50 to buy my new uniform for work!

Caligula Sun 09-Jan-05 19:52:21

Frankly, with your xp Tammybear, it sounds like a good deal. I'd pay money to get an xp like that out of MY life, if he was in it.

However, in the real world, of course, that's not on. You cannot bring up your child with a constant hostile presence who refuses to have anything to do with you having a real and serious influence in that child's life. Someone who your child visits all the time, who shows you such disrespect, undermines your authority as a parent. When your DD is older, if this man is still playing these games, she is going to be playing divide and rule with Mummy and Daddy with a vengeance and you won't be able to function as a mother, because DD will have an escape route from parental authority in the shape of Daddy.

I'm not really sure what to advise, except to say sorry that you have to put up with this, and what a pity murder is illegal. Your xp does sound like he needs some counselling to get over his "Tammybear-ownership" complex. How much of his feelings are real love and how much the fury of a man who has lost control, is difficult to tell, but he is obviously having massive difficulty getting over it.

All I can say is have as little to do with him as you possibly can. He has to understand that you can't not see him at all, but you can keep contact to a minimum, and all conversations to be strictly about arrangements. The mediator idea is a good one - would xp consider it?

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