Would welcome any advice/thoughts please..........

[talie101]

Have put this on several different threads to hopefully get varying points of view........

Can any of you tell me why my exh behaves the way he does.

Left me for ex-girlfriend nearly 4 years ago, was extremely verbally abusive and once physically abusive in front of the children, which has had a big impact on their lives and shows in the behaviour that they display.....he continually refuses to accept that he played/s a big part in the problems they have. He has minimum contact with the children because of the above. I have worked really hard with Psychologists etc to get the children to a stage where they are now staying overnight with him alternate weekends, happily.

A year ago he began texting me saying he regretted leaving me, he wished he could turn the clocks back etc and generally mixed my emotions up all over again (at this point I believe I still wanted us to be a 'family' again).... I had my suspicions he was playing with me though so I asked him outright if he wanted to come back to us...no reply! Confirming to me he was playing games.....I told him not to play games, informed his girlfriend to tell him to stop etc. He then told me had no intention of coming back but just wanted to make sure I would turn up to Mediation!

For the last 6 months he has agreed to work with me at the childrens pace, there was no more abuse and the children have come on leaps and bounds....we have even laughed and joked together when he picks them up.

For the last 2 months though he has begun texting me again saying he had told his girlfriend he was going to leave her, that he regrets leaving, asks me about my sex life and about where we went wrong etc. I got the impression he was testing the water to see if I would have him back.....I told him I had moved on and that I would never trust him like that again. The texts have stopped, he now brings his girlfriend to plays and to my door when he collects the children, which has totally upset the applecart and problems have started again, the abuse has started etc. He is now taking me to Court and fighting for more access.

I just don't understand! I have asked him to meet with me (even before the Court issue) but he always has an excuse..... I asked him to meet me face to face but he flatly refuses and would rather go via the Courts because he knows that he has power over me that way and that the law is on his side and he will get most of what he demands.

Why does this man not want to be amicable and sort things out without Solicitors etc...we have been through this process once before and both agreed that they just enflame the situation and cause a lot of unnecessary expense! Why does he continue to play mind games and try to bully and manipulate me? Why does he not accept the part that he plays in the damage that is happening to the children?

I feel so depressed that we are moving backwards and not forwards.

[Alambil]

You've answered your own question almost; he is manipulative and a bully. When he has been nice, it hasn't lasted - why? Because IMO he has momentarily lost that power over you (as you have got stronger and moved on etc) and freaks out - reverts back to self and starts over again.

Be strong. Keep a diary of all the abuse and refusals to see you/sort this before court (that doesn't go down well, by the way - my first day in court was spent out of the courtroom in a "mediation" situation to figure it out before the judge commented... it didn't work tho - my ex was abusive and controlling and did it for control)

Also, write down the agreement you have at the moment for contact, the problems the kids have had and what you've done with the psych team to help it (did they give any advice about contact/applecart stability?)

Are you on a low income? You may get Legal Aid - the CAB will be able to let you know if you are eligible I think.

Is there anyone in RL who can support you through this? it gets incredibly stressful. We will of course be here too but I think RL support is exceptionally important.

I'm sorry you're going through all this it sucks.