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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

This is getting ridiculous - dd not 'allowed' to see her brother??? Think ex's gf is being difficult.

26 replies

stripeymama · 14/04/2008 20:12

Split up with dd's dad three years ago and have since moved away to live near my family. He left me for a 17 year old (he's now 33, she's now 20) and they now have an 18mo ds. They live together in the house ex and I shared when we were together (a rental property his mum owns)

DD (5) goes for a week every school holiday to stay wih ex's parents - ex refuses to speak to me and will not give me his phone number. He 'can't' have her to stay with him and gf for reasons I'm not sure of - the house is big enough. I really feel for dd - that house was her home for the first two years of her life, she was born in it! Yet she hasn't been there for over a year.

DD adores her brother and is very good with little children, but on the last two visits she has come home saying she didn't see him She has just returned from staying with gp's and said her dad only came over to see her once while she was there for a week (they live a mile from him and he is unemployed so no real excuse). I strongly suspect the gf of making it difficult for him to spend time with dd - she has been like this ever since they got together but since she had her ds its worse. I have ignored it and done my best to comfort dd, but this is getting too much to ignore.

DD wants (needs) to spend time with her brother and dad. I hate the fact that I am just having to resign myself to my dd being sidelined whilst her dad fails to grow a backbone and see what is important - its like she's been discarded and it makes me furious. I know there is very little I can do about it but any ideas welcome.

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harpsichordcarrier · 14/04/2008 20:17

can the gp's help?
is there a mutual friend who can step in?
can you get his number from gp's?
I take it you weren't married?
worth going to a solicitor to see if there is any way you can sort out visiting rights?

stripeymama · 14/04/2008 20:23

I did have a number for him last year but the only time I ever tried to ring (dd was crying because she wanted to talk to him) his gf answered and hung up on me. I was being really really polite too.

Nope we weren't married.

We have been to mediation about 18 months ago, where he agreed to give me a contact no asap (in fact, the agreement was that he would do so before the next visit).

GPs basically enable and indulge his crappy behaviour at every turn, so no use trying to get support from them. I'd just get excuses for him and told how hard it is for him trying to "keep everyone happy".

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perpetualworrier · 14/04/2008 20:25

How is your relationship with your ex's parents? OK, if DD stays there regularly? Could you talk to them about it/ask them to help get through to their son about how important he is to his DD?

edam · 14/04/2008 20:26

Grrr at your bloody selfish, spinless ex (and his ruddy parents). Poor dd.

edam · 14/04/2008 20:27

spineless, even... so cross I'm making spelling mistakes!

Mum1369 · 14/04/2008 20:28

I think you are being extremley reasonable under the circumstances.
If he will not speak to you, then I personally would not allow him to see the child, until he did sit down with you to discuss her in an adult manner.
I realise this is not ideal and you want your DD to see her Dad and her brother, but to be honest I think, in order to achieve that end, you all need to sit down and put some guidelines in place.
Perhaps via to Gp's could be a starting point.
V.unfair on you

stripeymama · 14/04/2008 20:30

My relationship with them is ok in that we don't actually argue - but communication is limited to arrangements for visits. Don't think I'd have any luck trying to get them to step in, they have consistently refused to back me up and continue to defend him whatever he does.

Just wanted a rant really!

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stripeymama · 14/04/2008 20:33

Well I had hoped mediation would solve these problems, and we did reach an agreement, but he has failed to keep to any of the things he agreed to.

I tried stopping contact once before when he refused to give me his address - he had solicitor's letters sent accusing me of being unreasonable and threatening court, which i want to avoid.

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Mum1369 · 14/04/2008 20:43

Oh dear - he seems to hold all the cards because you want to keep things away from court (which I can understand) - but are you and DD getting anything out of this, besides spurious contact ? Does he pay maintenance at all ? You are not being unreasonable and a court would (surely) at least sort things out so that you are all in agreement as to how often he would see her & when.

stripeymama · 14/04/2008 20:49

He pays us £2.45 a week - it only took two and half years to get it!

DD gets to see her dad and I get to know that I am not the one stopping her from doing so.

I don't want to be the nasty mum, stopping her child from seeing the father. DD gets so upset if she hasn't seen him for a while, I just wish he realised how much she needs him.

Would you really stop contact and go for court over this? I sort of think its not that extreme - not abusive or a drunk, just another crap spineless man.

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Mum1369 · 14/04/2008 20:50

Sorry - probably also need to make the point that ; if your Ex continues to be influenced by his v. young GF and things don't get any better long term. Then in some ways you need to focus on the positives - you have tried in every way possible to encourage the relationship, and actively encourage contact with her half brother and her GP's but you can only do so much. Lucky for DD she has a lovely Mum who will always have her best interest at heart. It's the Ex who will miss out in the long run - hopefully he realises his mistake sooner rather than later.

Remotew · 14/04/2008 20:54

It sounds like she is being pushed out. You should try to sort it out with him asap, go through his parents it thats the only option. Its a shame that your DD could not see her brother when she was there for a week. Its not at all fair on her .

Similar situation to us in a way that DD's dad makes no effort to see her and she only sees him and his kids when she visits her Grandmas now and again.

stripeymama · 14/04/2008 20:58

Its heartbreaking.

She wasn't even told she was getting a half sibling til the day before he was born.

And of course its me that has to deal with the behaviour that results from the insecurity it causes - she doesn't seem insecure but she is very clingy after being ther and gets quite aggressive with me for a few days after she gets home.

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Mum1369 · 14/04/2008 20:59

Sorry x posted

LoveMyGirls · 14/04/2008 21:04

I would stop sending my dd if it made such a dramatic change to her behaviour on her return its just not worth the upset it causes, if he can only be bothered to see her once in a week when she is a mile away from him and panders to his insecure, childish gf then I'd have to do what I thought was best for my dd and keep him and his family away from her, I can't see how she benefits from being treated as if she isn't part of his family?
If her gp's can't be bothered to stand up for her then I think you need to step in and prevent her from getting even more hurt as she grows older. You can't make him or his gf behave better, you can't make them involve her in her brothers life but you can limit the effect their behavioour has on her while she is so young imo. (disclaimer this may not be the right way to deal with this but it is what I would do)

LittleBella · 14/04/2008 21:05

sm it sounds like you recognise that you can do sweet FA about the situation, but that you are helplessly furious about it because you haven't yet come to terms with the fact that you can do sweet FA about it.

I don't really know what to advise except that as you don't want to stop contact, you have simply got to accept that there is nothing you can do about your xp's disgusting behaviour. A court might take steps against you if you stopped contact, but it will take no steps against him for emotionally abusing his DD in this way. Once you've really accepted that, you will be free of your own anger against him (at least most of the time), freeing you up to concentrate on damage limitation of your dd's feelings. Have you tried the lone parent helpline to get some advice about how you can help her manage her expectations and cope with being let down by him?

stripeymama · 14/04/2008 21:08

I just feel that stopping contact would have the effects of

a) having a greater negative impact on her behaviour and emotional wellbeing

b) making me the one to blame

c) getting me dragged through court by ex (with his mother pulling his strings - he'd not bother if left to his own devices)

But appreciate the advice and do agree as a woman, just its so much harder as a mother if you know what I mean?

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stripeymama · 14/04/2008 21:13

LittleBella - you are right - I have managed to deal with the break up now and no longer feel angry about that (whats the point?!) but his behaviour towards our dd sickens me. And his fanmily make out I am paranoid and strange for questioning it. According to them he does his best - this is possibly true, but its a fucking poor best.

Will look up Lone Parent Helpline, thanks.

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Remotew · 14/04/2008 21:15

It's a dilemma that I struggled with all the time my DD was growing up. Keep her away from all his family or allow her to be exposed to his indifference. She also just to come home from Grandmas behaving badly. When she got older she had to try and make sense of it and often got upset. She has just accepted it now, he never came right for her.

I have asked her if she felt I'd done the right keeping contact with the extended family and she agrees I made the right decision for her.

I hope you can sort it out for your little one. It sound like her father has tried in the past, its probably as everyone else has said a very young insecure gf that needs to grow up.

Mum1369 · 14/04/2008 21:17

Sorry - I do feel for you but, as not in this situation find it hard to give constructive advice.
Little Bella sounds like she knows what she is talking about. Good advice.

Heated · 14/04/2008 21:17

Could you keep your ex updated with regular
photos, to remind him what he's missing out on, and without telling dd (so she's never disappointed) invite all ex, g-f and half-brother to things like dd's birthday? You are clearly the only mature adult in the whole equation.

stripeymama · 14/04/2008 21:17

Abouteve - its really comforting to know that your dd has told you that. It makes me feel more secure that it will be ok in the end - well done to you for managing to get it 'right'.

Oh its so hard though...

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Remotew · 14/04/2008 21:18

Sorry did not read right meant to say 'also came home from grandmas'

LoveMyGirls · 14/04/2008 21:19

Maybe as your dd gets older she can write her dad a letter or an email explaining how hurt she is (in simple child talk, nothing complicated) and hope he realises how deeply his behaviour is affecting his child.

At least you will know you were always there for her and she will know it too.

Personally I did stop contact with dd1's "bio father" because he was a total wanker and I don't regret it, feel guilty or spare a bad thought about it tbh, I've given her everything she needs including a dad who I consider to be her real dad, the best dad she could ever have and I hope when she grows up she will understand why I did what I did, it may come back to bite me on the bum in her rebellious teenage years but its a chance I'm prepared to take knowing that when she has her own children and knows how precious they are she will realise I just wanted the best for her and if she ever meets bio dad will realise he really is a waste of space.

stripeymama · 14/04/2008 21:21

We have invited him to parties before but he didn't reply to the invitation so I have avoided setting dd up for the disappointment since then. Could try inviting him without telling her though.

We send cards for Christmas and for his and her brother's birthdays.

I try very hard to lead by example - I have this vague hope that eventually he will start to follow.

I may try asking him to go back to mediation to try and resolve some of this.

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