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Im at the end of my tether with exp, any advice welcome.

31 replies

LittlePinkAlien · 13/04/2008 12:47

I've posted in a previous name here about the problems ive had with exp (before I somehow managed to delete myself).

Im aware how I always seem to be whinging so try and imagine this post in a non-whiny voice .

Exp has had little interest in ds over the last 9 years. His contact has been sporadic at best. Last year around this time I finally had enough and stopped contact due to him messing ds about so much.

After 3 months he finally called, said he missed ds. So we tried again. I went through months of ds being upset at school, not trusting his dad to turn up etc and we finally seemed to get to a point where he felt settled again although it has soured relations between the school and myself as they seem to blame me for what happened, interrogate ds on almost a daily basis "are things alright at home?", have interrogated me on several occasions about our home life which is ridiculous as my kids are my number one priority.

Anyway, ds started as I say, seeing his dad again and it went ok for a while. As soon as ds calmed down and started to trust him he started his antics again. It emerged that ds was not being fed proper meals all day, being kept up late at night (well morning, think 2am). He was tired and grumpy when he came back. I tried to discuss this, exp screamed at me that in his home he would care for ds as he saw fit and I had no say in the matter. Then he started collecting him late (cue ds staring miserably out of the window and clock watching) and bringing him back late so after burning the tea several times I started waiting to cook it (cue miserable 4 year old hungry here with me waiting for her brother to come back). I tried to talk about this...once again I was shouted down and told he would collect and drop off ds when he saw fit, he didn't have to call me and let me know.

He has also ruined many of ds's clothes and shoes and never replaced them or kept things there, to the extent that I opened the drawer one day and there was nothing left. After that I allowed him to take one change of "playing out" clothes. I was then accused of "dressing him like a scrubber". Exp pays me nothing at all in the way of maintenance and buys ds nothing. I pay for everything that child has and I cant afford to keep replacing clothes.

I recently found out (after questioning ds on why he was taking his quilt and a sleeping bag with him), that he has to sleep on the floor at dads and he's cold.

There is so much more but I know this post is already an epic.

It all came to a head this weekend when he was (yet again) 45 minutes late. I called his mobile asking if he had forgotten something again. He screamed at me that "he wasn't in the effing mood, was around the corner and if I dared say one word about it he would turn the car around and go back home". Which he did.

So muggins here was left to tell ds that he wouldn't be going to his dads house.

Then 5 minutes later (when I assume, exp got home without him) ds had a phone call from his dad's partner's son saying how upset he was that ds wasn't coming, he wanted to know why. Then he put his mum on the phone who told ds how disappointed they were, how upset her son was. (HER SON? what about how upset MY son was that his fuckwit father didn't turn up!!) At this point I lost my temper (I try so hard not to) and asked ds to pass me the phone.

It ended up in large row, (conducted in my kitchen with the door shut) where I was told I was unreasonable, childish and lazy (yes im lazy, I work full time and look after two kids while exp and his lady sit on their arses). The sleeping situation was also mentioned where exp told me that ds didn't have to sleep on the floor, he had the choice of jumping in bed with the stepbrother. I said I didn't think that was very fair to either of them and I would buy ds a camp bed to take. Not under his roof apparently. So I suggested exp buy bunk beds to which he told me "why the fk should I buy bunk beds, there's only one kid that lives here and its not (ds).

This is just it for me. I am tired of his attitude, he refuses to discuss anything in a reasonable manner and resorts to shouting at me. I want to stop access...I cant sit by and see ds being mistreated and hurt. He's going to be so upset though and we have to go through the whole cycle again. If I continue with this it will only get worse, I know, ive seen it happen several times.

What on earth am I going to do?

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welshdeb · 13/04/2008 12:59

Couldnt read and not say anything. How awful for your son.
What a f**kwit.

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LittlePinkAlien · 13/04/2008 13:05

I really need to do something. I dont feel I can justify sitting here and letting this continue.

Im torn. I stop access and im the bitch from hell..but if I dont it will happen anyway and im responsible then for prolonging the whole sorry situation.

I have tried to talk to exp but he wont listen, or slams the phone down on me.

I just dont think I can bear the crying that is sure to follow. Ds will be distraught if I dont let him go anymore.

Between a rock and a hard place.

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lou33 · 13/04/2008 13:14

i would stop access temporarily and seek legal advice about this

your exp's behaviour is appalling from what you have said, get your solicitor to draw up what you think is an acceptable arrangement for when he has care of your son

he seems to think it is all about him, but it is about your child

his behaviour is aimed at you, but it is affecting your boy

poor thing

and poor you for having to deal with this arsehole behaviour

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gillybean2 · 13/04/2008 13:46

This is hard for you on many levels and i know you wish to protect your son. Your ex has his way of doing things and you disagree with some of them. That will always be the way, but when it affects your son's welfare then you must take action I agree.

There needs to be some boundaries established, especially with regard to time. Your ex needs to understand these and he needs to think of your son foremost. He can not do as he pleases when he pleases. He has responsibilities as a parent and he needs to understand what these are. Telling him this won't be enough, he is not listening to you and clearly feels put upon, under stress and judged. You need someone to mediate between you and help you all. It is easy to go off at him when he is late, and no you shouldn't just accept it. But you do need to find ways of resolving issues such as this.

The situation is not helping your son, and his school are clearly concerned about him on top of everything else. Ask the school for help, they can arrange councelling or can they recommend someone your son can talk.

You and your ex need to speak via a mediator who wil help you get past these angry and confrontational episodes. You are not going to move forward on these issues without help.

You also need to have some sessions with the children and with the new gf to try and find some workable solution and be able to commumicate for your sons sake and for him to have his say too.

For example, they said they were disappointed he didn't come and see them. I'm sure they were, just as your son has been disapointed again. But they clearly didn't know why this had happened or they wouldn't have done this. Plus they shouldn't be making your son feel guilty about it.

Also your son is clearly not happy sharing a bed or he wouldn't choose to take his own bedding and sleep on the floor. You have offered solutions and had them rejected. A child needs their own space and a bed. This isn't a friend who he stops over with a couple of times a year, this is his dad's home and he needs his space within it. Kipping down together is all well and good, but your son clearly isn't confortable and doesn't want to do it.

If you don't already then start writing things down. Keep a diary of events, times, exchanges between you etc. This will help you show what has been going on if and when you need to refer to it in future. Don't be afraid to use an MP3 player to record any exchanges if you feel threatened or intimidated.

Right now I suggest you contact a mediation service near you and draft out a letter to your ex. Try and keep it non confrontational and child orientated. Something like:

I am writing to you as I feel we need to find a solution to the issues that keep occuring as it is affecting [child] and his welfare is paramount to me as I'm sure it must be for you too. We have not been able to discuss this situation without confrontational exchanges and so I am writing to try and avoid this.

This weekend [date/time] contact was delayed and then cancelled at the last moment. [Child] appeared upset by this, compounded by the phone calls that followed. Situations like this can not continue. It is stressful and upsetting for us all and I simply can not allow this to continue as it is having a significant impact on [child's] welfare.

We have several issues we need to discuss including:

  1. contact times and arrangements
  2. sleeping arrangements at your home
  3. communication between us
  4. what is best for [child]'s welfare and how the situation is effecting him

    Communication with us has broken down which makes it very difficult to sort out these issues. I propose that we make an appointment with a mediator to try and resolve this and help us move forward for [child's] sake.

    I can not stress how important it is that we do this for the sake of [child].

    I have therefore been in contact with [xyz mediator] and they are able to see us on [date/time]. If this is not convienient for you please advise me as soon as possible so that we can make an alternative appointment. If you wish to contact them directly to find out more their number is [phone number] and you should speak to [name].

    Please let me have your answer within ten days from the date of this letter as to whether you will or will not attend mediation with me to discuss our son.

    If the date and time given above is not convienient please let me know as soon as possible, again in writing, so i can amend them.

    I shall be attending the session, I very much hope you will join us.

    I look forward to receiving your response and again ask that you do this within ten days.
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LittlePinkAlien · 13/04/2008 17:06

gilly thanks for your advice, I do appreciate it but you're preaching to the choir a little (in the nicest possible way).

Exp will not attend anything like this. He point blank will not discuss issues with me. he will not face to face, and slams the phone down on me if I try to talk to him. He does not accept that anything he does could upset ds. He does not accept that turning up late makes ds a clockwatching wreck (its only an hour?). He does not see anything from a childs pov, not at all. He convinces himself that actually I am lying to make him feel bad (and tbh he should know better as at times, we've been on very good terms, even when we first parted company).

I am very good friends with one of his ex's (one of many) and even she admits that hearing a conversation from his side of the phone, it seemed very much that I was having a go. She later realised that actually I was talking calmly to him and trying to have a reasonable discussion. He will blow up over the slightest little thing just as he did when we were together. If I call him and say I want to talk about ds that's all it takes, he explodes.

None of this is about "us". It never has been. Emotionally he was a nasty piece of work which is why I insisted we split in the first place, but I cant say ive ever really blamed him or had any bad feeling towards him. I just let it go and moved on. However, how he treats our son is a very different matter.

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LittleBella · 13/04/2008 17:20

I disagree about mediation, you can only have mediation when both parties are reasonable, recognise a problem and want to solve it. In this case, one party very obviously isn't in that movie.

I think you should ask your DS what he wants to do. How old is he? It sounds as though he is old enough to have a say in what happens. If he were younger, I would simply say cut contact altogether, or stipulate that it will be at X dates at X times and if the twat doesn't turn up, then it won't happen. But your DS sounds as though he's old enough to decide for himself if that is the best way forward or not.

I would agree that getting the school onside is a priority. Explain to them what is happening about contact and how your xp is abusing his contact to the detriment of his DS and ask them to give your DS counselling so that he is given the emotional tools to cope with this.

Because to be frank, it sounds like he will need them, as it doesn't sound as if your twat xp is going to stop this. He simply can't see that he's doing anything wrong, because he's not remotely interested in the welfare of his son. Re the contact, if your DS decides that he wants to continue, I would simply emphasise that when Daddy says he'll come at 9, he doesn't mean 9 exactly, he means sort of around 9 because his sense of timing isn't very good, so not to expect him exactly when he says. If you can persuade your DS that the twat is so unreliable just because he's not too good about arrangements, rather than because he doesn't give a shit about his DS, that's progress.

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gillybean2 · 13/04/2008 18:18

It seems that this case is likely to end up in court so you need to show you have done everything you can to come to an agreement and are being perfectly reasonable on all levels and that your ex is the one being difficult.

You should write as I suggested and note any responses or lack of. Show you are making all the effort and not getting any thing from your ex and that he is not considering your child in all this, merely what he wants.

Court will try and get an agreement and mediate between you to come to that agreement. If you can try and do this before you get to court then you are part way there, and if your ex refuses he is just delaying the inevitable.

Saying you tried everything is not the same as being able to produce your letters and (any) responses to show exactly what went on.

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Rosasmum · 13/04/2008 19:35

I second gilly's advice re: writing a letter. If this situation goes to court, and if you temporarily stop contact, then it very well could do. At least you will be able to prove that you have tried everything you can do to keep your lo's contact with his father going whilst attempting to address the issues you have regarding lo's welfare.

You seem to have already accepted that this approach will fail, it isn't necessary about whether a letter would improve things, it is about trying to improve the long term situation for your son.

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LittleBella · 13/04/2008 20:58

Yes actually gilly's right, written evidence that you have been reasonable and he hasn't, will ensure that if and when it does eventually go to court, a third party will be able to see what actually happened. Good point, you have to prove everything otherwise a court will just assume you're an embittered old hag.

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LittlePinkAlien · 13/04/2008 21:25

lol at embittered old hag! Yes I suppose when you put it like that I should try. There's little chance exp would ever be bothered enough to take it to court but I take on board what you are suggesting.

How do I go about mediation? I really have no clue about this kind of thing. He will refuse for sure.

that I now need to suggest my son has counselling. I didn't bring children into the world to go through this. that ive spent his life trying to protect him and someone else is screwing it all up.

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littlewoman · 14/04/2008 00:16

When I was in court recently (county court) I saw a poster for mediation, so I presume you could contact the local court and ask where to go from there?

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Rosasmum · 14/04/2008 12:43

Here a a couple of links for mediation services.
I am currently going through the process in Leeds. I contacted the mediation service and self-referred myself. I had an interview to see if they thought they could help resolve the issues. My ex was then contacted and invited for a separate interview. After they have seen both of us separately, they then arrange for us to go together. I currently receive benefits so therefore, I don't have to pay. My ex works and therefore has to pay.

www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/index.php

www.ukmediation.net/cms/index.php?section=1
It is a voluntary thing but if your ex refuses to attend at least you can prove, with written evidence, that you have tried.

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LittlePinkAlien · 19/04/2008 11:42

Bit of an update. Ive tried to call exp in the week and he will not answer his mobile, it seems he has also instructed his partner and her son to not answer the landline to us. I left a voicemail and a text saying this was getting ridiculous and I had no wish to argue, that we needed to talk and sort this out for ds's sake.

He has not texted or called ds to see if he is ok. Last night he didn't turn up to collect him.

So I think thats it, he's gone again pending the arrival of his newest "toy".

I went into ds's school this week and have let the head know what's going on so they can keep an eye on him.

I think he was still hoping that dad would pick him up last night and its starting to sink in now. He's moping a little. Im just waiting for the crying to start.

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Sheila · 19/04/2008 15:22

Hi LPA,

Haven't posted for a long time and have only just spotted this, but my XP is exactly the same - always turns up late, refuses to agree to regular contact visits etc etc.

I have been at the end of my rope about it many times and had countless arguments, all to no avail. He will never see my point of view and seems to see DS as disposable.

So I can't offer any solutions but maybe it's some comfort to know that things may get better as your DS gets older. XP is much more reliable now being with DS is easier (he's now 8yo). XP is still pretty unreliable but will at least phone if he's not going to turn up at all.

How old is your DS?

What prevented me from stopping access in the past was DS's devotion to his Dad. DS loves seeing him and they do have lovely times together when XP turns up.

Hope this helps. Think the advice you've had here is great BTW.

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LittlePinkAlien · 19/04/2008 19:19

Ds is 11 later this year, his dad and I parted company when ds was 18 months old.

I think he's had long enough to get himself together!

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FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 19:32

you have nothing to feel shitty about...you are the only one who is protecting your son, and he will realise that when he gets a bit older...he will also come to realise what a fuckwit his father is. If he cant put his personal issues aside and be a good father to your son thenhe doesnt deserve him

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LittlePinkAlien · 19/04/2008 19:49

Its not been a good couple of weeks all in all. Im trying to get him into a good school too (another thread) and where is fuckwit in all this?

He doesn't even know about ds's school, and quite frankly doesn't care. It all bloody left to me again.

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FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 19:51

rofl see the name really suits him

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LittlePinkAlien · 19/04/2008 20:10

I would like to tattoo it on his head actually.

After we parted company he started seeing a girl who I became quite friendly with. They split after a couple of years but im still friends with her now. After this he started dating and married her best friend who he had another child with.

You can imagine probably that dating her best friend didn't go down well and they havent spoken for years. They recently patched it up (he has been divorced about two years I think) and today I found out that he hasn't seen his other child for the last 12 months. He told me at the time he ex wife wouldn't allow it, she tells a different story.

Now he's got another one on the way with the latest "love of his life".

The man is a car crash, he should be on Jeremy Kyle. His love life exhausts me.

What did I ever see in him? Although, to be fair, I was the first in a long line. You might think the latest would wonder about having a child with him when he doesn't bother with the two he's got.

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FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 21:15

because its the same old story....she thinks she is the one to change him, because he tells her she is differant from the other women who drove him away.....he is a sad excuse of a man and needs to neutered to stop otherinnocent children having him for a father.

Stay strong for your son, he will realise that he has only ever needed you and that fuckwit was a passing aquaintance ((((((hooooooge hugs)))))))))))

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googoomama · 21/04/2008 21:20

How awful for you - I have a feeling that my exh is going to be exactly the same, once the "honeymoon period" of seeing our DSs every other weekend has worn off (3 months or so so far). I can't help feeling that your exp is also my exp - he says exactly the same things in exactly the same way as mine! There are so many of them in this world - thank God I'm single now. I feel really bad for you - you are going through hell to try and make things OK and do what is right by your son, whereas your ex is just rolling on being the same selfish bugger he always has been. Don't be hard on yourself - LOL.

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piratecat · 23/04/2008 11:50

Just wanted to add that your ex is my ex !! Mine doesn't listen, doesn't compute that what he is doing is affecting dd5, who in turn doesn't wish to see him.

3 yrs on and its the same old story.

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LittlePinkAlien · 13/05/2008 21:03

Another update:

Ds has been getting more and more upset. He texted his dad Friday (I didn't know until after he'd done it) and his dad completely ignored him.

Against my better judgment I have phoned him tonight to talk. He started shouting as he always does, told me everything was my fault, that I had a problem and I shouldn't complain when he's late blah blah etc. All the time this was going on his gf was yapping in the background for him to "just put the f**king phone down" "tell her to get lost" etc . How I kept my temper in check I dont know.

I told him how upset ds was that he ignored him and he said he thought it was me texting him from ds's phone as I "like to play games"..I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I asked him to give me an example, he couldn't (obviously). What on earth would I gain from doing that? and more to the point, he's known me 12 years, should know I dont play childish games. Pretend to be my own son....why? Maybe just another excuse.

I knew his gf could hear me and so I hope she could hear I was the one trying to be reasonable as she did go quiet after a while. Why do these women feel it necessary to shout in the background anyway? Cant a mother have a conversation with the father of her child without having to listen to that? I've never said a bad word about the woman. I certainly dont blame her, god knows what he's been saying.

He says he will phone ds and talk to him about how he feels. Its clear though that nothing will change his mind. Im thinking I did the wrong thing now but its so hard seeing ds go through this.

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LittlePinkAlien · 13/05/2008 21:15

Actually the more I think about that text the worse I feel.

He gets a text from ds's phone asking if he's picking him up that night. Rather than believe his own son is hurting and wants to see him, for no reason whatsoever he convinces himself that I sent it.

That just proves to me that he is screwed in the head and doesn't understand what he's doing to ds . If he thinks he's done nothing wrong, how can we ever put it right?

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Tinkerbel6 · 14/05/2008 14:52

I think you should now cease all contact and help your son get used to not having his dad around, no dad is better than one that comes and goes.

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