help!!!newbie here(41 Posts)
Hello mary, welcome to mumsnet, I'm sorry its something so terrible that brings you to us
I don't know a lot about this but if you aren't married, I think the law is different, I think he has to apply for parental rights to have any say in the matter
Someone more knowledgable than me will be along to help you I'm sure, but if not, please bump this up the active list until someone does, its a bit quiet here at the moment
What I will say is I am so sorry that you are in this relationship, no-one deserves to be hit by anyone, least of all the person who is supposed to love them most of all.
I hope you get the help you need and deserve, for you and your daughter
I'm sorry I can't be more help, but you will get all the support and the help you need here, I'm sure
And cheating is a rotten thing to do at anytime, let alone when you are carrying his baby - you deserve so much better than this
ask W&R she's the local family law person, barrister I think or QC? (looks confused) v good thou knows her stuff.
Mary, if he hits you again call the police, even if he doesn't leave a mark. They know about men who know how to hit so it doesn't mark. You need it on record that he's hit you, even if the CPS decides not to prosecute. You could also go to your GP, so that it's on your medical notes.
Unfortunately, that's no guarantee that he won't be given contact - contrary to the impression given by the media, violent men are very often given unsupervised access to children, which is one of the reasons so many mothers deny access to men who have been given it by the courts.
You could try phoning the helplines of either Gingerbread (www.gingerbread.org) or One Parent Families (www.oneparentfamilies.org). Both lines are free.
Don't worry about hitting back at him, the police won't be interested in that. The damage you can do him by hitting him is far outweighed by the damage he can do you. In any case, it's self defence.
You could tell your GP about the stress this domestic abuse is causing you. I'm sure it is causing you stress.
I've just looked this up from another thread and this is a number which might give you some good advice:
0808 2000 247 Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline
You can contact the 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline by:
Freephone: 0808 2000 247
Post: P.O.Box 391, Bristol, BS99 7WS
Do you know your neighbour? If you do even just a bit, you could ask her to call the police if she hears you sceaming.
I am sending hugs cos I feel very sorry for you sweetpea, you sound so alone.
The breaking things is enough to call the police, MaryS.
Marys, sorry, just replied on your other thread but now I've seen this one it's clear your problem is much more than whether your partner has parental responsibility and the same surname as your child. I'm sorry, this sounds so awful and I agree, you should call the police and talk to your gp. I think women's aid will be very helpful and will be able to advise you about money and housing and so on. Their website is here and there's a button you can click if you're worried about him knowing you've visited the website.
mary, can i ask what may be deemed a silly question? are you actually frightened of him or not? the only reason i ask is that when i was your age my ex partner hit me and threw things at me too...but i cant actually say i was frightened of him...i was no angel myself and frequently would hit him back. it was the mental abuse more than anything that made me want to call it a day. on the other hand ive seen men who hit out and are very frightening. i think my ds's dad was more of a "tantrumer" than anything else, ie i knew how far he would go. the reason i ask is that i found it much easier to split with him than say someone who had complete control over me and who i was frightened of. i had to start all over again, i stayed in our home for a year 1/2 after we split, by which time he wanted to move back in with his new gf, i couldnt afford the mortgage anyway and i didnt have enough space for myself and the baby. (one bedroomed house). i did start all over again and although it was difficult, it was nowhere as bad as i thought it would be. we have a decent enough house now and im happy that everything in it is mine and cant be taken away. he is on my son's birth certificate and ds has his surname. hes not particularly interested in his son but the fact hes on the cert has never been a problem where rights were concerned..i was told he really didnt have any. bear in mind though that my ds was born in 1997 so im not sure what has changed since then. you say he has threatened to take her away from you...what reasons does he give for this and how exactly does he intend to do it? obviously someone from a legal point of view can advise you so much more than i can but i cant see how he thinks he is going to seperate a child from its mother without good reason? sorry i cant be much help right now, keep posting and you'll get lots of support from more knowledgable people than me! best wishes xx
Hi MS, sorry aobut your situation, sounds horrible, and as others have said, you don't deserve to live like that. You can change your child benefit to another account quite quickly, I have changed mine, for different reasons, but it didnt take long. You can ring them on 0845 302 1444.
I have no idea about the legal stuff I am afraid.
Do you have family/friends around who could support you in leaving him? Do any of them know what is going on?
Hope you can get sorted soon.
sorry mary, i dont know the laws about this now but surely he would have to have a very good reason to take her from you? he is emotionally blackmailing you if i see it correctly. take it from me, starting afresh really isnt as hard as it appears to be. i started again from virtually nothing, yes i had most of the furniture from our old house but this place was a shit tip basically. it comes with time though..i had a council property (or shed maybe?!) you get a decorating grant...it isnt much..less than £200 for the entire house but you can make it decent if nothing else...5 years on im just about getting there and my house is quite nice now. my ex would blackmail me...he would say he was going out in the car with a bottle of vodka...thinking i would let him come back again...last time i didnt...and he's still here 6 1/2 years later, married to someone else with a baby on the way. emotional blackmail doesnt work with me anymore. why exactly are you worried about contact? do you think he would try to kidnap her as such...or is it more that you are unfriendly with him? if i had no fears for the child's safety then i have to say even if i hated the man, i would still let him have access. obviously if thats not the case then i wouldnt. i think sometimes you have to put your own feelings aside for the childs sake...thats not a lecture btw, not sure we have enough info from you to quite understand how it all is? if you want a new life then go for it...you may have seen my posts around not looking too good but that isnt due to my ds's dad and our relationship...its due to things that happened much later on! i handled the situation with ds's dad and rose above it. you deserve so much better. if you want to leave then do it. you will be fine. i know its frightening but really, you will be okay...better than being with someone who makes you miserable. dont fret about bank accounts and such...those things are easy enough to remedy. xx
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