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Hi Newbie here.. I feel so down and hopeless. Please please read

(29 Posts)
Janna Sat 25-Dec-04 22:46:07

Hello, I'm completely new to mumsnet and the forums. I've come here because I feel so awful today.
Back in March I found out that my partner had been seeing a girl of 16 behind my back. We are both 27 and have been together for 9 years. We've got a ds of 5 and dd who's 2. I'd had my suspicians for weeks beforehand, since his birthday in fact when he'd stayed out till 4 am clubbing then drove home drunk acting very very strange. After that he started hiding his phone, started acting cold and hard towards me (He'd been the most sweetest and loving fella ever prior), staying out till all hours. I then got so suspicious and phoned his mob phone company (he'd forgot I had access to his account) and found hundreds of texts to her phone. I went ballistic and threw him out. He then proceeded to blame the affair on me saying that I had no ambition, no life in me , I was a slouch and overweight. This girl (who I confronted) is so pretty, slim, nice blonde hair but had braces on her teeth. He told me she had awakened new things in him.. he started listening to bands he would never have bothered before, bought flash clothes and so on.
He moved out to his mums about 5 miles away and he promised it was over. My friend rang this girl as we both suspected it hadn't and this girl who I'll call B dropped him in it and told my friend they were still contacting each other and had been for weeks. I went crazy and told dp that it was over and he started crying and told me it was me he wanted and not her and could we try again. I said ok but he still would not move back in and since April we have maintained a casual relationship. However 2 months ago he started changing again. He became a bastard once more, stopped staying ovrnight, everything was a chore and he kept disapearing without a trace, not even his work colleagues ot mum knew where he was. (he had got rid of his phone)
I opened one of his bank statements as it still came to the house and found out he's been topping up a secret mobile phone and he's been taking a person to the pictures on a night when he said he was going home because he was tired. I confronted him yet again. He got very defensive and accused me of stifling him and not trusting him and he admitted it over the phone 'because that was what I wanted to here' I stayed very calm and said ok then thank you at least I know now@ He went quiet and said he was only joking. He took me out for a meal and a talkand we really had a good heart to heart and decided to finish once and for all. We were both crying and crying and he told me he loved me but as a sister but that he still fancied me like **. Iwas prepared then to get on with my life but he kept ringing me all the next day, and then said that he would come round to see me. we ended up in bed agreeing to try again but he wanted to take it slow.
I then found out tonight christmas day after spending the day with me and the kids, after him saying that he wanted to go and spend it with his mum and sister and then going about 4, he's gone out. His sister said he came in had a shower (after he had one this morning) and then buggered of to his mates house about 5. Even his sister said it was out of order. I feel so sick wondering what he's up to and keep wondering isit me am I so bad. He couldn't wait to get home this afternoon. I've had such a shit year and such a shit christmas. My dd has been really ill to with a Urinarry tract infection and it was touch and go whether she would be admitted to hospital yesterday. She wasn't thankfully. My dads been ill too and I feel so low. I just can't understand why he's gone from being a really lovely bloke and he was, he really was, to someone who cares more about his friends, his own needs. He's been so hard, cruel and arrogant and so different. Why do I still love him and why does it hurt so much after all that he's done. I want him here. I want the old dp back. I miss him in bed. I miss him so so much.
I know it can't go on and I can't wait until the new year when I can get things sorted. I've got to screw up the courage to see a solicitor about the mortgage as it's joint and he pays it. I want to buy him out if I can. I feel so sick and I want to eradicate every trace of him from the house. I just don't know how to act round him anymore. Do I act cool and calm. Would it be easier if I got a solicitor involved to tell himstraight to leave me alone. Thing is I work in sainsbury's on a sat and mon night and all day sunday so he has to come to mine to look after the kids. None of this is fair on the kids. My son has been so miserable and so has dd and I hurt for them too Theres no ne else who can have them. I just dont want to see him or face him. Knowing that I still love him it'd be easier if I don't see him. Please someone tell me it gets better as I feel so miserable. I'm crying so hard and I know I shouldn't be as it's Christmas.
Thank you all for reading.
Jan

Janna Sat 25-Dec-04 22:48:00

Hello, I'm completely new to mumsnet and the forums. I've come here because I feel so awful today.
Back in March I found out that my partner had been seeing a girl of 16 behind my back. We are both 27 and have been together for 9 years. We've got a ds of 5 and dd who's 2. I'd had my suspicians for weeks beforehand, since his birthday in fact when he'd stayed out till 4 am clubbing then drove home drunk acting very very strange. After that he started hiding his phone, started acting cold and hard towards me (He'd been the most sweetest and loving fella ever prior), staying out till all hours. I then got so suspicious and phoned his mob phone company (he'd forgot I had access to his account) and found hundreds of texts to her phone. I went ballistic and threw him out. He then proceeded to blame the affair on me saying that I had no ambition, no life in me , I was a slouch and overweight. This girl (who I confronted) is so pretty, slim, nice blonde hair but had braces on her teeth. He told me she had awakened new things in him.. he started listening to bands he would never have bothered before, bought flash clothes and so on.
He moved out to his mums about 5 miles away and he promised it was over. My friend rang this girl as we both suspected it hadn't and this girl who I'll call B dropped him in it and told my friend they were still contacting each other and had been for weeks. I went crazy and told dp that it was over and he started crying and told me it was me he wanted and not her and could we try again. I said ok but he still would not move back in and since April we have maintained a casual relationship. However 2 months ago he started changing again. He became a bastard once more, stopped staying ovrnight, everything was a chore and he kept disapearing without a trace, not even his work colleagues ot mum knew where he was. (he had got rid of his phone)
I opened one of his bank statements as it still came to the house and found out he's been topping up a secret mobile phone and he's been taking a person to the pictures on a night when he said he was going home because he was tired. I confronted him yet again. He got very defensive and accused me of stifling him and not trusting him and he admitted it over the phone 'because that was what I wanted to here' I stayed very calm and said ok then thank you at least I know now@ He went quiet and said he was only joking. He took me out for a meal and a talkand we really had a good heart to heart and decided to finish once and for all. We were both crying and crying and he told me he loved me but as a sister but that he still fancied me like **. Iwas prepared then to get on with my life but he kept ringing me all the next day, and then said that he would come round to see me. we ended up in bed agreeing to try again but he wanted to take it slow.
I then found out tonight christmas day after spending the day with me and the kids, after him saying that he wanted to go and spend it with his mum and sister and then going about 4, he's gone out. His sister said he came in had a shower (after he had one this morning) and then buggered of to his mates house about 5. Even his sister said it was out of order. I feel so sick wondering what he's up to and keep wondering isit me am I so bad. He couldn't wait to get home this afternoon. I've had such a shit year and such a shit christmas. My dd has been really ill to with a Urinarry tract infection and it was touch and go whether she would be admitted to hospital yesterday. She wasn't thankfully. My dads been ill too and I feel so low. I just can't understand why he's gone from being a really lovely bloke and he was, he really was, to someone who cares more about his friends, his own needs. He's been so hard, cruel and arrogant and so different. Why do I still love him and why does it hurt so much after all that he's done. I want him here. I want the old dp back. I miss him in bed. I miss him so so much.
I know it can't go on and I can't wait until the new year when I can get things sorted. I've got to screw up the courage to see a solicitor about the mortgage as it's joint and he pays it. I want to buy him out if I can. I feel so sick and I want to eradicate every trace of him from the house. I just don't know how to act round him anymore. Do I act cool and calm. Would it be easier if I got a solicitor involved to tell himstraight to leave me alone. Thing is I work in sainsbury's on a sat and mon night and all day sunday so he has to come to mine to look after the kids. None of this is fair on the kids. My son has been so miserable and so has dd and I hurt for them too Theres no ne else who can have them. I just dont want to see him or face him. Knowing that I still love him it'd be easier if I don't see him. Please someone tell me it gets better as I feel so miserable. I'm crying so hard and I know I shouldn't be as it's Christmas.
Thank you all for reading.
Jan


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tillykins Sat 25-Dec-04 22:56:06

Oh Janna honey, I could cry with you. It sounds absolutely awful, particularly since you have children.
I know 16 is "legal" but its awfully young when the man is 27 and to drive home when he has been drinking is dreadful too.
I don't have any experience of this so I can't offer you any advice from that, but I do think you need to take a step back and really think before you do anything you might not be able to undo, if you see what I mean
Are you sure its over, have you had time to think about it or are you just reacting? I'm not criticising you, honestly, I would probably react the same way but I just think you need time to get used to it before doing anything
I wish I could help - I'm sure someone will be along soon
take care
Tilly
x

tangerinecath Sat 25-Dec-04 22:57:17

Oh Jan how terrible for you and your kids. I'm afraid I don't have much to ofer in the way of advice but I'm ending you ((((((((HUGS)))))))

xxx

tillykins Sat 25-Dec-04 22:58:44

Its a bit quiet tonight Janna, so if you don't get many posts, please come back and bump your message up - I know you will get some good advice and lots of support

StuffTheMagicTurkey Sat 25-Dec-04 23:05:46

Janna - I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time - to be let down in this way by someone you love and trust deeply must be dreadful.

I'm sorry I don't have any personal experience to offer. However, I know there are some wonderfully supportive people on Mumsnet who have been through some very tough times - similar to what you describe - and have come through them, sometimes staying with a partner, sometimes not, but there's a wealth of support and experience on here which you can tap into. Its VERY quiet on here at the mo, obviously because of Christmas, but keep posting and when it gets busier again, you will be amazed at the support you receive.

(((((hugs)))) to you. xxx

KatieMaChristmas Sat 25-Dec-04 23:07:41

You will get great advise here - but maybe not tonite....that doesn't help you now

Sympathy...please try again soon, 'cos they really are helpful

marinda Sat 25-Dec-04 23:10:12

Hi janna what a bastard he is !!!!
In the long run it may be better to finish it as otherwise you will be so hurt and the poor kids won't know what's happening. Can you pay the mortgar on your own ?

marinda Sat 25-Dec-04 23:11:06

Sorry Mumsnet for bad language ! Just so moved by this poor story !

Janna Sat 25-Dec-04 23:32:14

Thank you all so much for reading. I really appreciate the replies and it's more than I expected on Christmas Day to be honest. How do I 'bump' up my message just out of interest?
I'm not entirely sure if I can afford to pay the entire mortgage as my wages don't cover it alone so would have to rethink my whole money/job situation.
I've really really thought about this and I can't stomach dp lies and deceit anymore. I've been reading lots of the stories on mumsnetand they are slowly giving me courage and you all seem so nice!
Thanks again

tiptopoftheChristmastree Sat 25-Dec-04 23:49:41

Janna - Sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time of it. I haven't got any advice to give other than to keep bumping up your thread - this is done by just writing the word bump as a message in the box you write your message in - and you will receive advice. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you soon.

SmokedSamN Sun 26-Dec-04 00:03:31

Hi Janna

Just thinking of you. It sounds like you've really had a tough time . Try bumping your message as the others have suggested - and if you don't get many responses, bump it up at different times of the day. Some of us are night owls, some people check in the morning, some at lunchtime etc.

also, although I can't properly comment on your situation, it might be good to think of people you know who might be prepared to look after the kids from time to time. It's worth building up contacts so that if you are going to be on your own you have the support you need - both emotional and practical.

Big virtual hugs [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

makealist Sun 26-Dec-04 00:57:08

hello janna,
Sorry to hear your having such a crap time of it, and this time of year only seems to make things feel alot worse. Haven't really got any advice for you, I think only you personally can decide when enough is enough and then I'm sure you'll then find the strength to get this selfish immature man out of your life. hopefully more mns will be on tomorrow and will be able to give you the advice and support you need. Take care {{{hug}}}

heavenlyghost Sun 26-Dec-04 05:11:09

I want to send you hugs too Janna ... and say, Welcome to Mumsnet ...
You will get good advice here ...
Hang in there hon ...
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Ghosty
xx

anorak Sun 26-Dec-04 09:41:35

Hi Janna, I haven't had time to read this all properly, but don't be despondent about the slowness of replies. Yesterday had to be the slowest day in living memory on mn! I am sure in a couple of days lots of people will be posting again and will be able to chat with you all day long if necessary. Hang in...you will get the support you need on mumsnet.

Janna Sun 26-Dec-04 10:07:03

Hi and thanks everyone. I keep coming back to check on messages.
I feel really sick this morning and I slept badly. Dp was meant to be coming round to my parents for tea this afternoon but I can't face him. I'm going to tell him at his mums to stay away from me and the kids for a few days. I can't deal with this or him at the mo. I can't stop shaking.
Arrhhh what a time of year for this to happen.

singsong Sun 26-Dec-04 10:08:11

Hi Janna, sorry to hear of your situation. It will be tough for a while but hang in there because I’m sure that life will start to improve again. Is it possible that your kids dad will still continue his relationship with the children? Maybe he can continue to care for them whilst you are at work.

Stripymouse Sun 26-Dec-04 10:19:37

Janna - so sorry to hear what an awful time you are having. It is amazing to hear how selfish people can be at Christmas of al times. The lack of respect for you and his own children is mind boggling.
If you have any emotional strength left, please try to pick yourself up, make a decision to be as positive and as happy as you can be for your children for the next few days and just be happy with them. Even if it is a big act and you are crying at night, while with them give them the best present from you - a happy time with their mum. Do anything, go to the swings and just mess about, play games whatever, just be with them and show them that you are totally focussed on their needs and shower them with lots of love. At least then, at night, you might feel really angry and hurting etc. etc. but will be able to look back and say that you didn’t allow him to upset your children’s Christmas and that inspite of him you all had a great family Christmas. I know it is hard and words are easier than actions, but seeing your children so happy to be with you will help to make you feel a bit better about yourself and you might even find yourself gaining more self esteem and courage as a result.
Have a great holiday and refuse to allow him to affect your time with your children - he does not have the right.

Bloatella Sun 26-Dec-04 11:35:51

Dear Janna, thinking of you and sending you my support too - such a tough time of year to feel like this - everyone seems to be playing happy families all around. I can only speak as a child of divorced parents, my father ran off with a 22 year old when my mother had three of us and a newborn! He was such a ** I can't even begin to describe what he put my mother and us through. Looking back though, he was the real loser, not us, and my mother has had more love and joy with us since and he has just spent his life being a teenager and never growing up. It is so hard when someone seems to have a personality-transplant overnight isn't it? The only thing I would say is to get as much support as you can, as much rest (if not sleep) as possible and try to see the situation in the long term ( I know that is hard though!) Many people seem to go through some bad relationships in order to meet the right person and then the whole thing makes sense in retrospect. The other thing is I think it helps to really cry and let it all out (wherever you feel comfortable) if you can - I think my mother spent so much energy putting on a brave face that it wiped her out. Apparently when we cry it releases these amazing feel good chemicals so we can rest and recover a little bit. I feel so much for you and wish you all the best. I think it all takes a long time and just to accept maybe that there aren't clear answers and that only time will tell. You have to do what you think is best. It sure sounds like you are the only grown up in that relationship at the moment! And you know, maybe we don't really know what a partner is worth until we see them go through a tough period and either live up to it or buckle like weaklings. You sound strong enough to have a great life in the future and I think he would have to earn your respect to win you back! All power to you and all the best.....

KateandtheElves Sun 26-Dec-04 14:26:28

Sorry to hear your story Janna. I don't have any advice or experience to offer, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I am also a single parent of a 5 and a 2 year old. It's very hard, especially at this time of year.

Hugs to you.

gothicsanta Sun 26-Dec-04 14:32:29

janna hugs will try and post soemthing more later be strong if he is not making you happy than teh situation neds to change so you acn be a happy mum for your kids take carex

jollymum Sun 26-Dec-04 17:41:18

bump

turquey Sun 26-Dec-04 17:43:26

This is so hard for you at this time of year Janna but I think in some ways this is the best time of year to see a person for who they truly are. If a father of small children can't put them first and be unselfish at christmas for their sakes, then when will he? If he loves you and can't try to make you happy now, when everybody is making the effort for their loved ones, then will he ever? You sound like you've had as much as you can take and from now on you'll be the one in control, even though it is so terribly painful.
Sorry have to run now but welcome to MN, you'll get a lot of help and support here. All the best, ((()))
by the way, "bumping" just means - if your thread drops off active convos, just add a message to it saying "bump" and it will go to the top again.

KateandtheElves Sun 26-Dec-04 17:59:37

That's a very good point Turquey.

Janna Sun 26-Dec-04 23:11:28

Hello me again
You've all given me really good advice, thank you all. I wrote dp a letter saying that I couldn't take it anymore, his lies and deceit and went and delivered it this morning. He wasn't there and his mum told me he hadn't come home that night. Anyway he turns up literally five minutes later large as life and he gave me all these excuses and told me I was overreacting. I told him I effing hated him and I would give him the money for the pair of boots he bought me for xmas. I also told him to stay away from me and the kids this week as I couldn't face him. He looked very shocked then I walked out his mums and slammed the door behind me and thats that. Hope I did the right thing?

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