Deserve to be slated for this....but

[pinguthepenguin]

I'm going to be completely honest, because it's eating me up, and I'm fully aware of how it makes me sound, but I can't help it..........

I don't like being a mother as much as I thought I would

I find it hard
I find it isolating
I have little patience with my child
I prefer to do other things when I'm with her
I look forward to her nights with her dad

and the worst?

there are times when I even regret her

Some days I reason with myself and think that it's because she is so small (8mo), therefore not as interesting/interactive as an older child. That it'll be better when she's older etc, that I'm just not that good with babyhood - but I'm afraid I might feel this way forever.

I am not depressed, I am not without friends, I am not poor.

I am just a parent, who often wishes she wasn't one.

[snotbuster]

Parenting on your own is very hard, having an 8 month old is very hard too.
I think I'm much happier now my DS's a bit older - he's good fun now (in between the tantrums!). I found the baby stage extremely stressful and felt completely inadequate most of the time. I think DS being the first baby I'd ever cared for (despite being an 'old' mum) didn't help and I was much too stubborn then to let family or friends help.
There's a complete taboo against saying what you're saying but I bet it's gone through most parent's minds at least occasionally.
It does get much better/easier - she'll probably turn out to be the best thing you ever did.

[elliephant]

Motherhood is nothing like what those glossy mother and baby magazines would have you believe.Sure, theres the bonding, the cute matching outfits and socks and those first smiles, but there's also the monotony, the lonliness and the sheer boredom of weaning. I know I certainly have long moments of envy and very guilty thoughts of wishing it was me when my childless friends swanned off in their bikinis while I was stuck in an endless cycle of nappies and spit up . However I think as long as you're not always regretting it and you can take joy and pleasure (most of the time) in your DD, then you're pretty much a normal first time mom. It does get easier as they grow, when you have to do less for them but can do more things with them. You're right , you are just a parent, none of us are perfect, most of us just muddle through, dealing with the guilt of feeling we're not the best parent and hopefully loving our kids enough to amke us for any shortcomings.

[nevermore]

Hi there, I'm not a single parent but sometimes wish I was so I'd get w/e's off when the kids could go to their Dad's. I do know how you feel, bits anyway & I don't have any mum-friends who don't feel some of the things you mention all the time. Those who don't admit to feeling it - well, lucky them.

Don't beat yourself up, it is soooo knackering but cliche though it is it really does get way easier esp. once they start walking properly. If you're not skint then get a babysitter in regularly, I'm sure it's been said before but you were a woman before you were a mother.

All the best....

[Scoobi6]

Poor you, sounds like you're having a really tough time. I found being at home with dd the hardest thing I ever did. I loved her to bits, but it was really hard work, really boring.... maybe we're not supposed to admit it as mums but I was very relieved to go back to work tbh. I felt guilty that I should have been "making the most of" my maternity leave, that I'd never get that time again, but if I'm honest I couldn't wait to get away.

It does get more and more fun as they get older. DD is still only 15mo but once she could crawl, toddle, let me know what she wanted by pointing or facial expressions - it did get much better. They become hugely entertaining, and the first words are magical. They giggle. They start to try and make you laugh

Do you need more time to yourself? Any way you can achieve this? Anyone in RL you can talk to about it? hth

[elesbells]

I'm going to be completely honest with you :

You're perfectly normal!

There are times (especially in the first year or so) that all mothers feel this way. Its a tiring demanding 24 hour job that nobody can prepare you for. Its a shock to the system - the sleepless nights, never ending rounds of nappy changing and feeding with what feels like little reward. You loose yourself as a person, With no-one to talk to because its admitting defeat if you do.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Enjoy the time when she is with her dad to pamper yourself - go shopping, whatever you used to do before you became a mum.

I promise you that - one day, she will do or say something funny that will make your heart melt and you will reap the reward of all your hard work.

Be kind to yourself x

[SenoraPostrophe]

it does get better. some people are more interested in babies than others. mil has never been a baby person, but she produced 2 fine children, and is a great granny to the kids now they do stuff.

are you a sahm? have you thought about maybe working a bit? I work part time - think I would hate being at home with kids all the time (but I'd also hate working full time).

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks loads for the messages.

I already work full time. I went running back to work to be honest.
I get to go out and spend time with my friends when she is with her dad, I have a good network of friends, and I'm not unhappy per se. Sure, I didn't anticipate becoming a single parent, but Im dealing with that, and already feel loads better about it all. What I'm struggling with, against every natural feeling that I have, is the overwhelming sensation that motherhood is not ever going to be my grestest achievement.

To be honest, I'd be the first to laugh at the celebs that spout their tripe about motherhood/bonding/deep spiritual connections with their childre. I'm a realist. I didn't for a moment think that I should stop existing the moment I had a xhild. From she was born I fully believed in my entitlement to a life that could co-exist happily alongside hers. The trouble is....I just don't feel that ecstatically happy around her, and it makes me feel bad.

I find myself wishing her life away....'I cant't wait til she's 3, I can't wait tile sh'e 12. Honestly, it's terrible. She's a good baby, sleeps brilliantly, happy etc, yet I'm intolerant of her if she's having a whingy phase. I'm not overtly maternal, and I know it's noticeable to other people because it's been mentioned. That makes me feel bad.

It doesn't help that, since I went back to work, I've asked her father to take more responsiblity for her, rather than just 'seeing' her, so he now takes her 2 nights a week, and a full weekend per month. He seems to resent this and accused me of trying to 'get rid of her'. He's a passive aggressive, so I ignored him, but the comment bothered me, and has me wondering if he is right.

He reminds me frequesntly, that the person who spends the most time with her is the childminder, and that in fact, I have as little quality time with her as he does.

[BoysOnToast]

answer to OP:
honey i feel like that sometimes and im not on my own.

youre not a bad person. youre allowed to have feelings too y'know.

chin up.

[BoysOnToast]

"It doesn't help that, since I went back to work, I've asked her father to take more responsiblity for her, rather than just 'seeing' her, so he now takes her 2 nights a week, and a full weekend per month. He seems to resent this and accused me of trying to 'get rid of her'. He's a passive aggressive, so I ignored him, but the comment bothered me, and has me wondering if he is right."

er, he has her 2 nights a week and 1 w/end a month, and youre the one not wanting to spend enough time with her?? tell him to F off unless hes prepared to have her HALF the time, and feckin like it too. [scowl]

[bluejelly]

How old were you when you split up with her dad? Do you think that has affected your relationship with her?

If it has might be worth getting some counselling.

However I felt quite ambivalent in the early days-- I now love my dd with a passion that surpasses everything else in my life! ok it has taken a few years, but the love I felt for her at the beginning was kind of functional (if you get what I mean) and it really has grown hugely.

So don't despair.

I think the key for me was getting happy in myself, and this just fed back to her , which fed back to me, etc etc

[elliephant]

I think , tbh, we are all guilty of wishing our first child's life away- if only she was sleeping through the night, out of nappies, walking, feeding herself etc. But that slows down as they get older and you realise just how quickly the grow. However, it seems to me that the comments from your Ex and others are making you feel that you are unique, odd and a bad mother. Not every one is obviously 'maternal', some mothers choose to work to have a break from the kids. TBH those comments from your Ex sound spiteful rather than insightful.

[pinguthepenguin]

I was/am 29

I guess splitting up with her dad has affected things

[bluejelly]

How did the split happen? Did he leave?
If so, I know how that feels, my ex left when my dd was 6 weeks old...

[BoysOnToast]

seriously, my parents split custody of me and my 2 siblings right down the middle. 2 days here, 3 days there...
tell him he does little more than occasionally babysit his own child and until he takes more responsibility, he can take his opinions and stick em where the sun dont shine.

we are NOT all naturally 'maternal'. i bloody amn't. and if we were men, we wouldnt be expected to be.

your relationship with your child will deepen as time goes by. and in the meantime, im willing to bet youre a damn fine parent anyway. dont let this criticism get to you.

[pinguthepenguin]

He met someone else, whenhe was 7wks old

[PersephoneSnape]

he is a shite and you're better off on your own. seriously.

i know it's hard, it really is, but your baby is so young - it really does take a long time to adjust.

i know it's vaguely fashionable to nod sympathetically and ask how you 'really' feel - but do you think you may 'just' be depressed? I know i'd be depressed if my OH waltzed off when our child was 7 weeks old.

this may seem like a daft idea, but how do you feel about cutting your working hours, or rearranging them so that you can leave early one afternoon a week and spend some time,. just you and your dd? I work full time as well and am a single parent to three (admittedly they're much older..) but i've arranged to leave early a couple of days a week to do some dc stuff. it's more fun than work (trust me on this)

[elliephant]

Your ex left you and your 7 week old baby for someone else and now he's calling you the bad parent because he has to spend a little time caring for his child ? You are a lone mom working full time - its ok to need a break and some respite.Remember many new parents have mixed feelings about parenting . Try to focus on all the good things - you say your dd is a happy, contented baby so she must be well loved by you. Your ex obviously feels the need to hurt you, maybe he feels guilty, resentful or is just mean spiteful .

[pinguthepenguin]

I don't think leaving work early is a option- work in education, and I'm not sure I'd want to, I ove my joo and feel completely human when I'm there. It's when I walk through my front door to begint he evening routine/grind that I don't feel quite so human. I don't think I'm depressed either. Honestly.

[pinguthepenguin]

Ellie, you're right. He has always felt the need to offload his guilt onto me, hence the remarks. The trouble is...in the earlier days, when the intensity of the situation was harder to bear, I was less reluctant to hand my child over- not obstructive in any way, but I made it clear he was only having her once a week etc, which he was happy to go along with. Now that I've gone back to work/had a taste of a social life again- I'm happier for him to have her more. He has interpreted this as trying to 'get rid of her' (his words)

Forgetting how he has behaved, and the irony of this situation- I do fleetingly wonder if he's right. Why have I had a change of heart?

[Lazylou]

Nice post Ruby and definately true.

[Remotew]

My situation was a bit different as I knew I would be on my own so made sure that I didnt come across as resenting my DD. But there were times when I felt the same way as you.

If I'd expected to be in the relationship and he left me with a seven week old I dont know how I would have coped. I managed to get some time to myself and it kept me going.

Please dont beat yourself up over these feelings. Children have a habit of growing up and the challenges and joys change all the time .

We are almost 14 years down the line and I hate it when DD goes out. Feel like its time for me to get a partner before she leaves home as she's my life now.

[pinguthepenguin]

Thank you all so much for your input- I feel proportionately less of a shit parent than I did half an hour ago.

xxx

[skyatnight]

Good advice from people, Pingu.

I struggled in the early months with dd. I was affected by the split from her father and, looking back, I was depressed. As others have said, I wasn't bad at the functional stuff, I did look after her well, and I did love her, but I found it all really hard and exhausting and not very rewarding. I hadn't had any unrealistic fantasies in advance about looking after a baby but the reality was still a shock to the system and I was grieving for the two parent family that I had thought we would be.

I did find myself wishing away the time. The time seemed to drag but, now that she is three, I already have regrets about how fast time is passing and how I wish I had made the most of these early years.

You may not be the most maternal type but you will be able to give other things to your child which are just as valuable. Each parent has a unique gift to give to their child. Yours could just become more apparent when she is older. Lots of people don't like the baby stage and, in any case, it is a big adjustment becoming a parent. It takes time.

[littlewoman]

I feel like this sometimes. They were a lovely sandwich filling between me and my husband when we were together, now what am I supposed to do with them? They're totally useless as I no longer have the 'daddy, mummy, children' fairytale I once dreamt.
I don't always feel like this, very infrequently actually and it is usually in response to seeing xbastard go off skiing, or when I can't do the things I want to do at the drop of a hat. We're all human, you're not abnormal, honestly.