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LOST..CONFUSED.ALONE.SCARED.....

(69 Posts)
tjgx Sat 18-Dec-04 14:49:36

hi please im looking for any advice moral support and friends..im pregnant with my 3rd bby...ive 2 other girls ages 12 n 13..n feel so isolated and alone...the father 2 b is not the father of my 2 girls...he says he wants nothing to do with this baby..n that i should get rid...there is no way im doing this..my family have found out the guy is mixed race n say if i keep this bby im on my own they want nowt 2 do with me due 2 the colour..which i think is so wrong...they say im cruel to bring this baby here..im 32 yrs old yet feel like im 16 asking for permission..this has put such a strain on family..n ifeel ive been outcasted..2 top it off,,,the father 2b mum is my neighbour..she was my friend...n didnt have a problem with me being with her son...but now she is steering well away from me..i feel ive no1..im 3months now..im scared and ive no support ..please i really need some advice on how 2 handle this...n what dod i do when ihave this baby n i have 2 pass his mums door..they do durgs in her house and i dont want my baby around that plz plz help me many thanx tjx

vict17 Sat 18-Dec-04 14:53:20

So sorry to hear you're going through this. I know it must be incredibly hard but try and ignore what everyone else says and just think and you, your girls and the baby.

spacedonkey Sat 18-Dec-04 14:53:41

god, what a difficult situation for you tjqx {{ hugs }}

i'm not really sure what to suggest, I know your family are saying they don't want to help, but have you got the support of friends where you are?

you will get lots of support here on mumsnet

tammyBEARinggifts Sat 18-Dec-04 14:58:08

hi tjgx, im so sorry to hear this (((((hugs)))))) do you have friends to support you? you will get lots of support from here. maybe your family will come round when the baby is born? are they still wanting to see your other 2 dds? xxx

tjgx Sat 18-Dec-04 15:39:59

thanx 4 the replys i moved here ayr ago n havent made friends..i live in just a small block ..so its been pretty awful...his mum was my friend..n she dont want 2 know now..but i dont no how 2 deal with them when baby is here..i really dont want my baby in her house...her kids mouths r disgusting....n drugs do go on in her house...

tammyBEARinggifts Sat 18-Dec-04 15:47:22

you concentrate on yourself and your children, and when the baby comes, do things the way you want to do them as they're all lacking support towards you now, so why should you be nice to them when the baby comes if they cant be bothered now? if you dont want to go round there then dont and if her and the father are not wanting to do anything at the moment, then it is unlikely you'll need to go round there. and you'll be able to make friends with nums when your baby comes when you can go to mother and baby groups etc. xxx

tjgx Sat 18-Dec-04 16:20:27

hi...yes i no ur rite...its when ur pregnant that u need the support..n i really donr c y i should play happy familys with them when bby is here..if ive bumped in2 them on the stairwell..i used 2 say hi..but because.. she has not bothered 2 speak 2 me or come 2 c me in the last 7 weeks...i ignored her yesterday when i saw her..i felt bad...i no i shouldnt its just i wasnt brought up like that...but y should i let any of them b involved with my baby...the father also said i di this all delibrate 2 have a baby...hes young hes silly and i no i should have known better..but he didnt say no at the time..n it was a thing ongoing 4 6 months..he called me some awful names..

pedilia Sat 18-Dec-04 17:09:19

poor you, my mil refuses to see ds beacause i am mixed race so i kinda know how you feel on that front. where do you live, i'm sure some mnetters must be local.

tjgx Sat 18-Dec-04 20:03:34

i live in islington....so if any1 could tell me if they no any mnetters local...i will never 4give my family 4 the things they have said about my baby....

tammyBEARinggifts Sat 18-Dec-04 20:07:22

if you look on the meetup board, i remember seeing a meetup for islington. you could have a look and see whos near you xxx

tjgx Sat 18-Dec-04 20:48:32

hi tammy...just joined it..many thanx...hopefully i will get 2 make some new friends...at least ive ppl i can turn 2..thanx xxxxxxxxx

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl Sun 19-Dec-04 02:54:09

tjgx, my situation wasnt quite the same as yours but i know the feeling of an ex partner who doesnt give a sh*t. my baby is nearly one now and her dad has never seen her, wants nothing to do with her. he left me when i was 3 months. i wont say to you that it isnt hard to cope with but you will be amazed at how you do cope. ive had so many knocks this past year and yes, they hurt...but im still here and still sane (just about!) you will find the strength to go through with everything even if it seems now that you wont. my family were opposed to my baby too...not for race but just because of my circumstances...im sorry that your family seem to have disowned you...that is wrong. if its any consolation, my family didnt quite disown me but they never approved of my baby and dont love her anywhere near as much as my other child. i was very shy and came to mumsnet in desperation more than anything else and i actually found it to be a great source of support and have made some friends here. so keep posting...this place has helped me more than i could have ever imagined...there are some lovely people here. stay strong, best wishes xxxx

tjgx Sun 19-Dec-04 14:22:26

hi twas .. many thanx 4 ur kind words xxx...rite now i feel piggy in the middle....like its a game they r all playing.. my bbys colour shouldnt come in2 it...rite now im feeling even if they do treat me ok when bby is here...im not going 2 b ok with them...4 the things that was said 2 me during the pregnancy...its at this time u need the support of every1..the father 2b n his family... will not b involved..i dont want them 2 b...it will b 2 late...hes not going to pick n choose when he wants 2b involved or b a dad!!

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl Mon 20-Dec-04 03:31:44

your baby's colour shouldnt matter at all and i find it so sad that families can behave like this. it doesnt matter what colour you baby is...he/she will be a pure, innocent little child who deserves to be loved just like any other. just concentrate on yourself, your kids and the baby..the most important people, and take every day one at a time. i was remarkably calm throughout my pregnancy because i knew i had to be. yep, there have been times since when ive nearly fallen apart but ive gotten (at times struggled) through my first year with dd. if you dont want your baby in that house with people doing drugs then you dont have to. they cant force you, they have no rights. maybe when your parents get more used to the idea they will come round to it? its very different to other people, to them your baby isnt "real" at the moment. you may find when they actually see you putting on a bit of weight or when you have the baby, their attitudes will change. this is why i have tried and tried to catch my dds daddy on his own to finally meet her..thats not to say it would work but if they can see that child and then still turn away you know where you stand and can start coming to terms with it. i will also say to you what someone said to me (although i never believed it at the time) you are doing a very brave thing. i think it was harder being pg on my own than how things are now and if you can get through that you will be fine. i hope you find many friends on here and lots of support through this (im sure you will). xx

DingWongMerrilyOnHigh Mon 20-Dec-04 05:58:55

hi there tjgx

Lots of wise advice here already.

There are loads of Mumsnetters in Islington, they are very kind and friendly and a great laugh as well. As someone also suggested look out for Islington meetups and go along and make some friends who will support you and listen to you and help you do what's best for your family.

Hope this helps

anorak Mon 20-Dec-04 09:38:12

Hi tjgx, I'm just appalled to read about how these people are treating you, people who will be this baby's flesh and blood and should know better. Why shouldn't you walk past their place with your head held high, they are the ones who should be ashamed. I am sure that one day they will regret this behaviour and then if you are very forgiving and gracious perhaps you will allow them to have a relationship with your precious new child.

You are not alone, this sort of thing happens all too often as you will see if you decide to stick around on mumsnet. We have no contact with my inlaws because of their malicious lies, why?, no one can tell you since if you are a nice person who tries to be fair to everyone you meet you are never going to understand how these people's minds work.

You just carry on doing what you know is right for you, and never waver. If you can look yourself in the eye when you look in the mirror and know you always do your best to do the right things, that is worth more than the dubious support you might get from all these people.

Stick around on mumsnet and you will make friends, good ones, quickly, and get the support you need. This website is a fantastic network of support for all mothers. And if anyone on here ever treats you as the people around you have the rest of the mumsnetters would come down on them like a ton of bricks! Lots of love xxx

tjgx Wed 22-Dec-04 21:57:27

Hi anorak..n dingwong.. thanx ever so much 4 ur msgs,I have some really good news!! first i had my scan..n everything is fine baby is well x...secondly estste manager came 2c me 2day..n ive already got an offer of a flat exchange...i have 2 ring the lady 2moro..so fingers x i will b out of here...n wont have 2 put up with all this much longer,i no im a good person n i no rite now they dont deserve to be involved in my life..or this bbys..but when i move will leave my number n the rest is up 2 them....if the father 2b..doesnt ring or make himself known 2 this bby then its his loss...cause i will do my best for this bby..x

tjgx Wed 22-Dec-04 22:04:54

hi twas......i no the feeling,tonite i was in kitchen standing by the window,n in he walks 2 c his mum,without a care in the world...i had my scan yesterday..n he didnt no..n i felt sad..i was happy my scan went well n bby is fine..but sad he wasnt there 2 know this or share it,it does upset me that he walks in n out of the flats n the mum.without a thought 2 me..yet these r same ppl..who would say 2 me..o can i lend this..can i lend that ..i do understand that she will bk her son no matter what..i respect that..im a mum myself...all i want is 4 them 2 show a bit of interest nothing more....i was a good friend 2 them all..n ive asked nothing from them..i no im alone n i will do it alone..n i can!!i just never knew ppl could b nasty in that way...

anorak Thu 23-Dec-04 09:36:57

I think it's no loss to you. What kind of people are they who turn their back on their own flesh and blood, an innocent child? As you say, it is their loss, and you are better off without them.

Do keep posting.

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl Fri 24-Dec-04 03:31:00

tjgx....unfortunatly people will and are happy to turn their back on their own flesh and blood...i will never understand why or how but have seen it first hand. im glad your scan went well. when i had my first one i remember sitting in the room watching all the other mums to be with their partners and wanting to cry...it was hard. you keep posting here and we will be with you every step of the way xx those people arent worth your time.

tjgx Fri 24-Dec-04 14:19:50

Hi i just want 2 say many thanx 2 all of u that have left me msgs of support i thank all of u from my heart...xxxxxxxx

tjgx Mon 27-Dec-04 23:55:33

Hi all..i hope u all had a lovely christmas xxx...2day was a nitemare 4 me n my girls...my eldest had a row with father 2b sis...he was there,he swore at my daughter..so i told him not 2 speak 2 her in that manner...i then got a mouthful of abuse frm him in front of my girls...he called me some awful names n swore at me..told me 2 watch my bk cause i was gonna get it..his mum then came out n starting screaming at me n calling me names...he told me watch out u n that baby r gonna disappear...the abuse went on 4 a good half hour from both of them...i was in tears...i dont no wat 2 do..the situation is getting out of hand !!

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl Tue 28-Dec-04 09:01:27

what awful people to have to deal with. are you scared of him? or is it just mouth? {shakes head} what a thing to do to you, his baby and your child. so sorry you are going through this.

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl Tue 28-Dec-04 09:04:33

feel free to cat me if you want btw xx

tjgx Mon 03-Jan-05 02:35:29

hi twas..just got bk hme now n checked ur msgs....thanx 4 ur support.....well ive been away to my nans...so its been a good break!!...ive good news..i got offered an xchange 2 basingstoke and ive accepted..so hopefully within the nx couple of months i will b gone...im not scared of him...or his mum...i just dont like their attitudes 2 me or this baby...n i will not b giving them my new addy!!i no he is the father but he has made it clear hes not interested so im going n that will b that,the names he screamed at me and in front of my girls was disgusting..my eldest was crying..i do feel im getting stronger but i think its because i now no i will b getting away from them...do u no what he said 2 his mum...o i want 2 b their when baby is born!! now work that one out!! he is so confuseing..but i dont want any of them there...he has paid no interest aprt frm the abuse n yet expects 2 b there...what would you say to that !! xx

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