will they make them see him?

[CherryEm1]

My ex was 1 half amazing one half completely vulgar. I was stupid enough to not press charges for various things he did in the hope he would 'change'. so i found the strength to leave him taking my 2 children and the one i had after we split. weve now been separated for a yr but i have no proof of anything and therefor have to go through a mutually consented divorce (i didnt do it straight away as i was pregnat and couldnt take the grief), and he is fighting me for access. I tried my hardest to maintain his relationship with the kids when we separated, and his response was to disappear, get his brothers ex/nephews mum pregnant. hes shown no attempt at changing,even for them, shows up drunk (police do nothing), threatens that he'll do wot it takes to see kids. i am terrified the courts will grant him access. Who in their right mind would allow there kids to spend time with an alcoholic, violent rapist who pays no money? supervised or not! can i stop this from happening? my lawyer isnt very sympathetic or forthcoming, she says she cant do anything till she receives word from his lawyer or till the divorce is pending.

[shelleylou]

sorry no advice sending u sympathy and virtual hugs

[avenanap]

Hi cherry. It's very sad but the courts will only look at what is in the child's best interest. They may, depending on the judge, take his history into account, but are more likely to consider his behaviour towards the child/ren. If the courts allow this and you do not follow their orders they can find you in contempt, however, it is rare for the courts to jail a primary carer for contempt. The law is an arse. You need to be able to show that contact is not in the child's best interest, maybee his past behaviour towards them, the fact that they are very settled with you. If you could find a child psychologist that could say thathaving contact with their father is detrimental to their mental health then this would help. There's no easy way out of this, supervised visits is your best option if he tries to seek access. I wish you well and send you hugs.

[Alambil]

Get a new lawyer!!!

I fought for 2 years in court for supervised access due to my ex's violence and incompetence - I didn't press charges so the courts only referred to it as "alleged" (which pissed me off) but they did take it in to account.

Also, the process is so long and drawn out that even if you do get contact dates, he may not turn up or whatever - you can push for it to be in a contact centre so he can't take the kids out for the day (they aren't usually allowed off site but have facilities to play etc) and go for supervised.

Really, if he is as awful as he appears, I doubt that he will turn up - even if he does fight for it... sounds more like a bid for control to me than real contact because he cares.

[Alambil]

aven - you don't need a psychologist to say it is detrimental. If they have contact and their behaviour/sleep/general "them" changes dramatically, you can say that contact is distressing them too much yourself.

I said that at 1yr old about my DS - they took it in to account and also his utter inability to look after him. If he hasn't had contact or done much parenting, you can add that he isn't fully able and will need supervision (at least to begin with - until he proves himself able) for the sake of stability for the kids.

[Alexa808]

Change your lawyer. He/she should be fighting your corner. If you've got witnesses and remember the dates when he did things to you, then go to the police anyway.

Get a diary and record all contact with him, dates, times, action. This will help when it all goes to court.

[CherryEm1]

Thanks everyone, its all a control thing and when i ask why he says its cos he misses them, so its when suits rather than a proper interest in their wellfare. he was seen doing something to my mums car just yest. I wouldnt drag my kids through this if i thought hed do the right thing, if i go the contact centre route and he doesnt show, how do i explain that to the kids. hes even threatened he wont sign for the divorce unless he gets full access but when i warned him i may open mymouth about things he sed hed do it. fingers crossed. think i will ask womans aid for advice on lawyers etc, feel like a fraud tho cos he never broke bones or gave me black eyes, mostly mental, threatening and sexual

[shelleylou]

Cherry its still abuse you are by no means a fraud. your worried about your dcs welfare so your doing what you feel is right

[CherryEm1]

thanks, this battling just draggin me down. Feel so good that i escaped and have made a new start but its all still hanging about. just want a clean break. if we had both moved on and he was a good dad i could cope but i know he wont do that. how do i explain to kids when he dont show? dds are only 4 and 2 and hes a stranger to my baby boy

[gillybean2]

You have to be as honest as you can be with the children given their ages. And you don't want to hurt or upset them which I know makes it even harder to talk about.

Perhaps you might tell them that you and Daddy decided to live in different homes because he didn't always keep his promises and you thought he should and it made you both cross and upset with each other. Say that you didn't want to be upset and angry with each other any more, but that you love them both very much and even if they make you cross it's not the same as when grownups get cross with each other.

Also say that Daddy finds it hard to remember things he is meant to do and what time he should be somewhere, and that is why he doesn't always come when he says he will. Remind them that you love them and you will always be here even when Daddy forgets and that you can understand it might upset them when Daddy doesn't come.

Finish off by asking if they have any questions. Most children take this sort of thing in their stride not really fully aware of what it means but 'happy' knowing how things work and that it's not about them and that mummy doesn't mind talking about it so there's nothing to worry about.

Best of luck whatever you decide to tell them
Gilly

[CherryEm1]

Thanks at the moment ive told eldest he's decidied to go and learn how to be good cos he doesnt want to frighten her anymore and he's sorry. she remembers EVERYTHING, but bless her had a horrible time yest talking about death and shes getting mixed up cos her grandpa died and is in heaven, but keeps asking if her dads there too. breaking my heart but just talk matter of factly bout it