Am I wrong for wanting to leave my partner

[Mamabear931]

My little one is almost 9 months old, thanks to the pandemic my partner has been home for basically the entirety of his life (give or take a month).

My issue is that he literally does nothing for him. My son is quite ‘high needs’, very demanding, doesn’t sleep well (and is even worse due to the 8 month sleep regression) and I’m getting to a point now where I’m just done.

I have to force him to help out in the night, my son wakes up usually between 5-6am, and not ONCE has his dad woke up to help him in the morning. He’s lay in bed way past 10.30am probably 20/30 times since Christmas, once until literally 4.30pm.

I don’t mind so much when he has been working as he needs to concentrate but he’s been on furlough this whole time and still won’t pull his weight.

I feel terrible for my son, he deserves so much more, and I’m really struggling now myself to give him the attention he wants/needs as I’m so exhausted.

I’ve been unwell for the last week (covid), sleeping terribly, up all night, baby has also been very very unsettled and he’s not once offered to give me a hand.

Instead he went out drinking last night with his friends (I have literally had covid), came in blackout drunk and has been incapable of helping all night and is now sat vomiting in the bathroom (he is 27) This isn’t an unusual occurrence either.

I’m so unhappy, before our son he was the total opposite of this. We were together 6 years and he doted on me. He was so attentive and caring, I don’t know what has happened.

I don’t want to break up our relationship for the sake of my son but I’m struggling. He makes it feel like it’s my fault I’m annoyed at him and he’s ‘done nothing wrong and it’s your fault for waking up so early’

Please tell me it isn’t just me.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

He sounds the pits OP I’m sorry, I would for sure leave. Was he like this pre baby?- if so, with the greatest of respect why did you think he’d change?

Have you spoken about him doing more etc?

[Mamabear931]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers that’s the thing, he was the total opposite! I have no idea why he has changed so much.

Pre pregnancy I honestly thought I’d hit the jackpot, we never argued in all our years together, he always made an effort.

Even when I was pregnant he went out of his way to help me. I don’t understand what has changed now, I have spoken to him multiple times but he makes it seem like I’m being unreasonable

[happinessischocolate]

I was going to suggest to have a proper chat including saying you will leave if he doesn't pull his weight, but now you say you've already done that then there's nothing left for you to say to him.

I kicked my ex out due to similar behaviour when our dd was 9 months old, ex phoned me every day crying begging me to take him back, and after a month I did, he came back and things did change for a while but then when I got pregnant again 6 months later we split after he was unfaithful (which is another story entirely)

You'll be no worse off by leaving (or kicking him out) as you're doing everything anyway, I found it easier once ex had left, even when the 2nd one was born

[icklekid]

How does he respond when you ask him about it? I know you don’t want to have to ask but forming a new relationship as parents requires new ways of being with each other. You need to explain how you feel. If he just shrugs his shoulders then you know the relationship is over. Maybe he feels totally incompetent as a father and that’s why he’s behaving this way. This isn’t ok but it’s a starting point to move forward from - the only way to get better is to practise. So will you alternate getting up early, can he do a regular walk in pushchair every day (around nap time?) so you get a break?

[Mintyt]

I wonder if he's depressed, but try to fix things if he's worth it and he was before the baby and furlough. Show him what you have written here and see what he says. You both have had a big life change, today, now show him what you wrote. And what he replies will tell you all you need to know

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Ok so if he wasn’t like this before then maybe furlough and lock down has got to him- not excusing his behaviour- do you think if he started working again he could pull himself back together?

[milfmummy]

I would suggest to definitely leave the relationship as I was on a very similar boat myself. It will probably get worse after you breakup and he will always fault you. The best thing to do is put your foot down and be a boss b*tch. They hate that. Always document everything too. Have another chat with him and explain that if/when you separate, he will be seeing his child considerably less, either be a dad or then be the part time dad since thats what his actions are leasing you to believe

[HollowTalk]

This thread was started in April, @milfmummy.

[HollowTalk]

Sorry, @milfmummy, I meant the OP hasn't posted since April. I didn't mean to sound snippy!