Chronic Illness (+/- PND) + Single Parent

[LivingOnDreamsAndCustardCreams]

Hi everyone,
An awfully long story as short as possible. I am a single parent to a 20 month old. I have health problems (ME/CFS, Celiac Disease + Hashimoto) + another illness that required me to have a hysterectomy. My husband "had to have" a biological child, as he didn't think he could love an adopted child. I was, naturally, skeptical about carrying a child with the above health concerns, anyway, we had a plan... which my husband then negated on when our baby was 3 months old, and he left me.

(I should probably add here, that I have a lot of mental health support, consultant (whom I speak with weekly) + a therapist (that used to visit once a week - we now speak on the phone weekly/biweekly) and a type of social worker who comes weekly. I am unable to tolerate antidepressants)

I am struggling REALLY badly.

I was never really bothered to have a child and certainly not one of my own. I wanted to be a family with my husband not "be a mum", if that even remotely makes sense? My husband has moved on already (of course he has) with someone who has 2 children (20 + 4) and is now living with her and her children. He currently has our little one every weekend at his parents place (they have use of a small flat). My husband used to stay one night a week at mine to look after the little one over night, so that I could take sleeping tablets if necessary (insomnia is an issue with ME/CFS) which he now no longer does, as his gf doesn't like it... despite the fact it was HIS suggestion and worked well for over a year before the gf decided to suddenly kick off about it. (she knows me and has known my husband for almost 4 years, so you know... not someone he just met... although I didn't find out about their relationship until WAY after it started and it's since then she's started kicking off!)

Anyway, I am a "good Mum" (wtf is a good Mum anyway... aren't we all just doing our best?!) ...I am (95% of the time) patient with my little one, explain everything, we have a good routine, can read them like a book, I cook from scratch because of my CD, they go to Kindergarten, enjoy it + is well adjusted etc etc etc

I am exhausted... physically and mentally. My husband does nothing for this child he so desperately wanted in terms of drs appts, KG pick up/drop offs, cooking, buying clothes, washing clothes, sticking to routines, no help when the little one is sick etc etc etc... and is more often than not on his phone when he visits one evening a week... I do everything... and I HATE IT!

I never ever get to do anything nice with my little one. I am unable to go back to work, I am unable to drive any distances, some weeks I am unable to do a food shop and take him to KG... basically all of the things my husband would have done for me/us, when I was unable to before we had the little one.
My little one is angelic too... content, happy and laughs all the time; is cheeky, life and soul at KG, goes to bed (nap + bedtime) without a fuss, likes and follows the routine... really, super angelic... although, when it kicks off, as it inevitably does with toddlers, it is of course me that gets bitten, hit, food thrown at etc...mostly when the little one returns from being with my husband I have to say! I just hate it... like HATE it... and ALL of it.

Last night I was googling "can you have a toddler adopted"

I am so sick and tired of always being sick and tired and so so so so so angry (yup, complete waste of energy) at my husband!! He, of all people, knew how MEGA it was for me to have a child with my health concerns... and ok, if you want to leave our marriage, I cannot stop you... but why are you not here for your child? why are you not sharing this 50/50? why is your gf not supporting your relationship with your child? I am still sick, in fact, even more so now, that I have to go it alone all the time...

Has anyone been in this situation, alone and chronically ill? I know being a single parent is hard and really difficult... really hard and really difficult are ok, however it cannot be impossible and it feels impossible and I do not wish to do it anymore... my social worker took a video of my little one and I... I watched it back a little while later and what struck me the most was, no one would never know how awful I feel and how unbearable the struggle is if they were to witness my little one and I together...

The more time I spent away from my little one, the more I panic about their return and the more resentment I feel upon their return... I have moments of feeling love and gratitude for their presence in my life, however very very rarely... mostly I regret becoming and Mum and wish to turn the clock back.

[Schoolchoicesucks]

Op that sounds really tough. Well done for raising your child to be the happy life and soul toddler that they are, particularly with your health issues and breakdown of relationship.

Is there a reason your ex can't have 50:50 care? With him taking (at least) equal responsibility for kindergarten, medical appointments etc? Do you have any other family or close friends that could help out on "your time" when you are struggling?

If it did come down to the scenario where you are considering adoption, would your ex step up to take on a full residency, with you having access or visitation?

I don't know where you are, but in the UK, it is difficult to get support, but if the alternative is a child going into care, support is found. Do you have a health visitor or any social services involvement?