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How can I get rid of my ex?

(42 Posts)
Happycat1212 Thu 11-Feb-21 20:57:40

My ex doesn’t bother with our children, he’s never done any parenting since we split and I’m “lucky” if he sees them once a year, since November he has seen them once. He only now texts me weekly to ask how they are hmm but never actually asks to see them, I’ve decided to cut contact with him but how should I go out this, do I just ignore him from now on or should I send him a message telling him? I don’t really want to send a message as I know that will open it up to him sending abuse to me but I also don’t want him to just think Anything is unfinished

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NoraEphronsNeck Thu 11-Feb-21 21:13:54

Just block him. No explanation necessary.

Happycat1212 Fri 12-Feb-21 09:29:40

I thought that would be the best way but just don’t want him turning up at my house or thinking things are left (unfinished) that has happened before where I’ve cut contact then he has tried to come back and has completely twisted what happened (saying I just blocked him for no reason)

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2ndtimemum2 Fri 12-Feb-21 13:15:23

Happycat why not just answer the weekly text if it means that it keeps drama to a min and keeps him out of your life?. If blocking him means that he could potentially turn up and cause issue I think id just answer the question and leave it at that.

It also means if you ever do.go to court that you have been more than reasonable and have gone over and beyond to keep the absent father involved and that will work in your favour in court.

carly2803 Fri 12-Feb-21 20:38:41

honestly dont. Just answer the weekly texts with gritted teeth. much easier in the long run!

Happycat1212 Fri 12-Feb-21 23:13:45

The thing is it is affecting my mental health, I can’t stand the man and him contacting me by text to “do his bit” really angers and frustrates me, I bring up 4 alone and I find it hard to be polite or civil to a man that isn’t interested in his own kids, I’m not his friend and I don’t respect or like him, I would rather he just disappeared if he doesn’t want contact. he wouldn’t take me to court and tbh I wouldn’t care if he did.

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2ndtimemum2 Fri 12-Feb-21 23:17:20

Happycat if you are 100% that he won't bring you to court then no issue but court is an awful experience and it drags on and its costly and it will cause you so many sleepless nights.

Is it likely your ex will turn up if you block him?

windisblowing Fri 12-Feb-21 23:18:04

Tell him to email for all future communications. Then block on phone. Check emails once a week , copy and paste the same reply every week "they're fine"

PicsInRed Fri 12-Feb-21 23:19:23

You grey rock him. In this instance, grey rock would be minimal, polite but dull updates. Nothing interesting, really banal and dull.

Hopefully he'll get bored (mostly at no reaction from you) and the contact will wane to nothing.

If you actively cut him off, he'll relish the attention and reaction of a battle. That's the opposite of the dull and boring family you need to be.

Google grey rock and see what you think.

Happycat1212 Sat 13-Feb-21 00:07:17

No he wouldn’t take me to court, he has no money and doesn’t work, he also doesn’t have a home to take them to so not sure how that would work? Wouldn’t that kind of be a basic need that he has a home to take them to? I’ve mentioned court in the past and he told me he wasn’t interested. I’m not sure if he would turn up he’s done that only once so probably not but I can’t be certain. The thing is when someone is absent you make peace with that and move on but he is absent and constantly reminding me? He doesn’t seem to get bored as it’s the bare minimum and takes no effort, he will basically text how are they, I say they are fine and he will say that’s good. And that’s it again until the next week. Some times I may tell him about their week but he never asks and sometimes he doesn’t even respond. He never asks to speak to them directly

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2ndtimemum2 Sat 13-Feb-21 02:03:56

Happycat that is an awful situation...he is an absolute deadbeat and thats putting it mildly.

What would happen if you blocked him? Would he turn up to your house? If not block him and do not respond to any correspondence. Do not give him the opportunity to twist things. My only concern is in the future he could use this against you with the kids...that's if he even bothers with them when their older. You need to do whats best for you and your kids and if he is affecting your mental health without bringing anything positive for the kids then block him.

Happycat1212 Sat 13-Feb-21 10:49:14

(Luckily? Not sure it’s lucky) but my kids are old enough to see/know he isn’t interested in them, they can see that with their own eyes and they know he has never bothered with them so I don’t think they would be fooled by him

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Doyoumind Sat 13-Feb-21 10:55:03

I would be wary about blocking him as it could be interpreted as you blocking access to the DC.

If he did take you to court I can guarantee he would be given some access. It's not expensive to go to court. You can pay the court fee and self represent. I know you think he won't but someone might come along and encourage him.

Does he pay any maintenance? He should do.

Happycat1212 Sat 13-Feb-21 10:55:31

My daughter even use to say to him “why don’t you take me to school” “why can’t I stay over at your house” he always made his excuses, so they know what he is like

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Happycat1212 Sat 13-Feb-21 10:55:54

He pays £7

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Happycat1212 Sat 13-Feb-21 10:57:36

The thing is the constant texting is really bugging me as like I said it’s a constant reminder, I don’t want to be friendly or civil with him, if I express my annoyance I get told “gosh you’re really bitter about your situation”

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2ndtimemum2 Sat 13-Feb-21 11:12:46

Op what age are yhe kids?

Madzhouse Sat 13-Feb-21 11:17:58

Tbh i think id ask a friend if you could give him their number and they answer the message. Or get a cheap £5 a month one and ask your friend to reply on that. Tell the ex you've changed your number. Give him the new number and your friend can just answer each week with they are fine.

That would seem infinitely easier than risking him deciding to fight for what he believes he is entitled to. The problem with guys like this is often they don't want to be bothered but don't want other people to know they aren't bothered so do the minimum. Once you take that option away from them they feel obliged to fight for it because otherwise they get judged by friends / family and potential new girlfriends ....

Happycat1212 Sat 13-Feb-21 11:26:12

My friends and family hate the man so I’m not sure they will agree 😫 they have all wondered why I’ve let him act like this for so long. They think he should be cut off so I’m not sure I could trust them to respond, they probably wouldn’t.

They are 9,8 6 and 3

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trevthecat Sat 13-Feb-21 11:29:07

Personally I would tell him, step up or piss off. Either he has regular contact or nothing. My ex chose nothing. How old are the children? The irregular contact isn't good for them.

trevthecat Sat 13-Feb-21 11:31:53

Also, I wouldn't engage in any conversation about anything other than the bare minimum. Keep replies short and to the point. How are the kids? Fine. Nothing more. Dont let him tell you you are bitter, just short and sharp

2ndtimemum2 Sat 13-Feb-21 11:32:28

Op in this scenario if I knew there would be no repercussions from the asshole ex i would 100% block. But I think.you're feeling a bit afraid of the consequences? Maybe you could ask him to email you instead of using the phone and set up an automated reply? Don't know if that will work but it would definitely be something worth looking into?

Happycat1212 Sat 13-Feb-21 11:38:34

I’m not afraid he will take me to court, I believe pigs will fly before that happened, 1 he said he never would, 2 he has an older son from another woman who he equally doesn’t bother with (never took her to court) 3 he doesn’t have money and has no home to take them to, I just don’t see it, he is very lazy and unmotivated, it’s more so that I just don’t want him turning up. I can’t see him fighting me
For access I’ve begged him to have them and I’ve been told that they are my responsibility and I “chose to have them”

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Happycat1212 Sat 13-Feb-21 11:39:51

Even when he was seeing them he wasn’t exactly father of the year, he took them to the park and brought them home. He doesn’t want them in his house.

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2ndtimemum2 Sat 13-Feb-21 14:56:00

Happycat you have 3 options;

1.you continue replying on a weekly basis.
2.you block him with no further communication.
3 you send a message saying "asshole ex, I will not be continuing to provide weekly updates as you seem to have no interest in having a relationship with them. Should you wish to have any more interaction please contact a mediation service and then an arrangement can be made. Then block his number.

The important this is not to be a passive aggressive or open up a dialogue. I know that is hard because he's an absolute waste of space but he won't see that no matter what you say

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