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ExH is so awful I just can't cope anymore

(86 Posts)
Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 15:20:30

I'm sure he has a personality disorder. We have small DDs and share their care so we have to co-parent. I don't know if I can do it. In the last year since we split he has reported me to children's services about 8 times (they are, I think, quite sick of him but they have to investigate), he has reported me to the police, he has been awful about handing over DDs, going back on his word and keeping them for longer than agreed (this has now stopped due to a recent court order). I am starting to see how abusive our marriage was, how he totally fucked with my mental health. He tried to convince me that I had a personality disorder, then tried to convince me that I was autistic. He never actively stopped me seeing my friends but he would engineer situations to make it impossible (e.g. always flake on the childcare at the last minute and I would have to cancel or bring DC along). Financially he was completely in control of everything and very mean with it. Since splitting he has been financially abusive towards me. Since we have split he has damaged my things, hidden them, said he doesn't have them when I know he does (he has remained at what was the family home). He is just awful. How do I move forward and co-parent with someone like this for the next 13 years? Without going totally crazy in the process? Any decision we have to agree on, he disagrees with me on principle. He would argue that the sky is green just for the sake of it. He writes long, rambling emails when just a few lines would do. He keeps me deliberately out of the loop for e.g. dentist appointments then delights in telling me I have missed a check up. He refuses to use mutual friends or family as intermediaries. He refuses to use a communication book, I tried this and he ended up refusing to give it back. I am just so overwhelmed and feel very despondant 😭 I almost feel like letting the DDs live with him all the time, because then I wouldn't have to see him or interract with him (I wouldn't actually do this). Please tell me it gets easier??

OP’s posts: |
Littlefish Sun 17-Jan-21 15:23:30

What is the split of time between you?

Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 15:40:54

We split up in February last year. But the court order was last month.

OP’s posts: |
PurpleMustang Sun 17-Jan-21 15:56:08

This sounds awful. First off you need to be one step ahead. So list all of the places to contact to change your details. Set up a post office redirection to your new place, or if you are somewhere temporary pick your parents address, the kids should only really have a small list so I wouldn't pay additional for theirs too if it costs. Then buy a diary for just him. Diarise or write a summary so far and then note everything so it is down and dated if you need it. Find our from someone legal if he won't follow the rules ie using mutual people or the book what happens next. He is refusing these as a type of control and it would be seen as such. Only use email, text etc with him so everything is written down and not he said/she said. Good luck, am sure others that have been through this can help guide you and hope you have some real life support too

Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 16:01:08

Thank you for the advice. Hadn't thought about redirecting mail etc. I bet he has thrown loads of my post away! He was so rude and obnoxious to the intermediary from a very very small charity she gave up and said she couldn't work with him / me anymore 🙁

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Moirarose2021 Sun 17-Jan-21 16:02:38

Try and limit your contact with him, I stopped my ex picking or dropping off from my house or me from his ( this was pre covid), I had childcare arranged for his contact in case he didn't turn up. This worked quite well for several years, it cost me but well worth it and recommend it.

LastRoloIsMine Sun 17-Jan-21 16:07:05

You need to stop letting him control everything.

If he makes health appointments and doesn't tell you then the missed appointment is on him not you.

Send him factual update emails with info he needs to know each week and leave it at that. If he doesnt respond then thats on him dont ask him to.
Everytime he has a dig just smile and walk away. Ignore his ramblings and only reply if you absolutely need to when you do keep it short and to the point.

He is still controlling you and you can stop how you react to that behaviour and him.
I am sorry he is a twat.

hellasciously Sun 17-Jan-21 16:08:49

What is the court ordered routine?

Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 17:06:45

Court ordered routine is shared care and midweek and weekend handovers. I have to see him at least once a week as school closed. Every time I see him I feel completely sick.

OP’s posts: |
Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 17:08:30

He also does things like taking the homework (before schools closed) and not returning it - luckily I had photocopied it just in case.

He wouldn't let me keep my number when I changed phones (contract was in his name so he had to get the PAC code).

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PurpleMustang Sun 17-Jan-21 17:51:48

As a suggestion if you are unsure who has/needs your new number go through the usual list of companies/health care etc that you do for moving house and then go through your emails and check if anyone/company on there needs your new number or address.

Pebbledashery Sun 17-Jan-21 17:53:13

I'm so so sorry OP. I wish this wasn't your life. I welled up reading your post as I'm currently going through the Family court now with an extremely abusive and violent ex.. He's evil right down to the core and cafcass recognise this too. Your post resonated with me because I imagine my life to be exactly like this if he gets weekend contact. He's pushed me to the brink of mental collapse but I held strong because of DD.. But the thought of him behaving like your ex is.. It just makes me want to run away 😢.

hellasciously Sun 17-Jan-21 17:53:52

I'm the same with my youngests father. I feel sick and drained when it gets closer to pick up and drop off time. He lives quite a while away so it's only one weekend a month now.

My DD is 5, when I see him pull up I send her out by herself and hide in the kitchen, at drop off she comes in by herself. He knows I don't want to see him and luckily I can avoid him. Are your children old enough to go out to him on their own?

PurpleMustang Sun 17-Jan-21 17:54:29

Things like the homework is just going to annoy the school and the kids and make him look petty but again write down in a diary that you suspected he may so you did x and he did y so as you did x they can complete it and maybe contact the school and tell them to see if they can ensure anything specifically goes home to you

Pebbledashery Sun 17-Jan-21 17:55:23

They do say abusive men continue their abuse and control via contact. It's so true.

Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 18:00:31

hellasciously

I'm the same with my youngests father. I feel sick and drained when it gets closer to pick up and drop off time. He lives quite a while away so it's only one weekend a month now.

My DD is 5, when I see him pull up I send her out by herself and hide in the kitchen, at drop off she comes in by herself. He knows I don't want to see him and luckily I can avoid him. Are your children old enough to go out to him on their own?

They are just about old enough to be dropped off by themselves. Weirdly exH doesn't like to see me face to face, he likes to scarper when he drops off. I don't know if on some level he is ashamed of what he's put me through... If he was anyone else I'd have thought this was the case but he really never seems to show remorse

OP’s posts: |
Niconacotaco Sun 17-Jan-21 18:04:46

Can you forward his emails unread to someone else to read and summarise? Then you don’t have to deal with some of the crap and you will have another person who understands his craziness?

Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 18:13:30

Pebbledashery

They do say abusive men continue their abuse and control via contact. It's so true.

I don't know why the courts allow it. It isn't fair on the children. ExH has delighted in telling me how he will not let DD phone me at any point over the long weekend despite her asking for this every time she goes to him.

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Pebbledashery Sun 17-Jan-21 18:20:16

@Chadvalley sorry if this sounds silly but why did your ex get shared care? Was the abuse in your marriage not documented? Did cafcass recommend shared care? How old are your kids? My ex applied for a lives with but it's suddenly gone down to shared care now.
Your exes behaviour sounds so horrific and destructive. He most probably enjoys every minute of it too 😢

Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 18:32:51

Pebbledashery

*@Chadvalley* sorry if this sounds silly but why did your ex get shared care? Was the abuse in your marriage not documented? Did cafcass recommend shared care? How old are your kids? My ex applied for a lives with but it's suddenly gone down to shared care now.
Your exes behaviour sounds so horrific and destructive. He most probably enjoys every minute of it too 😢

It wasn't really till after we had separated that I realised what an evil (i don't use that word lightly!) man he is. There is nothing documented in terms of me reporting the abuse as I didn't really see anything wrong at the time. He went for a lives with (even though he had spent very little time with DDs when we were together) and completely went on the offensive whilst I was still reeling from the separation. (Also that is why he is in our house and I'm living with my parents... I went to stay with them for a few days to clear my head and when I went back he said that I had ended the relationship and wouldn't let me back in, and when I have tried to get my things he has rung the police!)

I believe that shared care is the most common outcome these days. I don't agree with it at all and I can see the damage it's doing to DDs 😭

OP’s posts: |
Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 18:48:19

Pebbledashery

*@Chadvalley* sorry if this sounds silly but why did your ex get shared care? Was the abuse in your marriage not documented? Did cafcass recommend shared care? How old are your kids? My ex applied for a lives with but it's suddenly gone down to shared care now.
Your exes behaviour sounds so horrific and destructive. He most probably enjoys every minute of it too 😢

Sorry didn't answer - it was exactly what Cafcass recommended. Dd1 is 8 and Dd2 is 3. So still very young.

OP’s posts: |
iloverock Sun 17-Jan-21 19:05:32

Keep all contact limited. So what if he sends you rambling long emails. Ignore them.

If you need to provide info or answer him then keep it to bullet points.

If he doesn't do homework when they are with him then that's on him. The kids will be fine. Let the school deal with him.

Grey rock him.

I'm surprised the court ordered shared care

Pebbledashery Sun 17-Jan-21 19:06:18

That's awful sad I'm so sorry. You know it seems like unless abuse is documented by social services or by the police the courts just aren't interested. Coercive control is done under the disguise of a seemingly respectable citizen on the outside but on the inside they are evil to the very core. My ex is violent and abusive and I feel like fortunate is the wrong word but fortunately there is substantial evidence via the police and social services. But like you.. I didn't realise how awful it was until I left him.
Can you not go back to the Family Court and address the issues you're having. He's going to destroy your lives sad that's what he wants 😢

Chadvalley Sun 17-Jan-21 19:11:47

Pebbledashery

That's awful sad I'm so sorry. You know it seems like unless abuse is documented by social services or by the police the courts just aren't interested. Coercive control is done under the disguise of a seemingly respectable citizen on the outside but on the inside they are evil to the very core. My ex is violent and abusive and I feel like fortunate is the wrong word but fortunately there is substantial evidence via the police and social services. But like you.. I didn't realise how awful it was until I left him.
Can you not go back to the Family Court and address the issues you're having. He's going to destroy your lives sad that's what he wants 😢

I would like to go back to the courts but I simply can't afford it, I spent 10's of £1000s and have no money left. And I don't have the emotional energy to be a litigant in person.

I told the cafcass officer all about him and got told I was too focused on my antipathy towards him and not prioritising my children ☹

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Pebbledashery Sun 17-Jan-21 19:21:29

I completely get that. I can imagine it's daunting being litigant in person against an abusive ex sad
How long ago were you in court?
I still can't believe cafcass recommended shared care sad
How are your daughters when they come back from contact with him?

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