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Contact changed

(14 Posts)
Nanny15 Tue 12-Jan-21 21:29:03

Just after some advice, there is a contact order in place but that now has to change as ex has changed jobs, he doesnt have set shifts he gets given shifts that are available for a month and picks what he wants. Ive asked him when this happens he wont tell me. So he changed his days starting from this week to a fri and sun. Ive asked again tonight when his shift patterns change to be told no that there is 3 weeks left of the month and if next month ds isnt available for the day he wants i have to choose another day. What do i do?? I cant sit around wondering when he can have ds.
He is very controlling has been towards me and i feel this is another way to control. Im just so fed up of it all my mental health isnt great, ive had so much abuse off him and his "friend" i cant take much more.
Thanks for any advice given

OP’s posts: |
JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 12-Jan-21 21:31:22

If there's a contact order in place he sees DS on those days. If he can't, then he applies to Court to get the order amended. Do not let him use this as another way of controlling you OP.

Nanny15 Tue 12-Jan-21 21:32:47

Really i thought i had to help with contact and not put barriers in place??

OP’s posts: |
JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 12-Jan-21 21:40:08

You're not putting barriers in place though are you. He has it clearly defined when he can have DS and if that no longer suits him then it's up to him to get the order changed. It's not up to you do sort everything out to suit him.

Casade Tue 12-Jan-21 21:44:06

Hi OP - is there a child arrangement order in place? If so what does it state? You can always seek legal advice to get it clarified?

Nanny15 Tue 12-Jan-21 21:44:38

Ahh thank you for your advice he just sent me a message saying hes changed jobs no set hours so cant say when he can see ds. Then says he has evrry fri and sun off this month. But expects ds to be available. He used to work 4 on 4 off so had ds on 2nd and 3rd day off so we had some kind of routine. We communicate through email nothing else we meet in public too due to dv emotional and mental abuse. He really doesnt understand why this happens and tbh im just so fed up of the arguing 😔

OP’s posts: |
Nanny15 Tue 12-Jan-21 21:51:16

@Casade yes an order in place he is meant to have him on his 2nd and 3rd day off as he workes 4 on 4 off. Now he has changed jobs not knowing when he has days off. But then expects ds to be available for him

OP’s posts: |
JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 12-Jan-21 21:51:53

If you do have a Child Arrangements Order in place, does it say that you talk through email? Could you apply to change it so that you talk through a third party instead?

Nanny15 Tue 12-Jan-21 21:55:33

Yes it states for emergencies only, ive had to change the email adress i got emails off his "friend" and alot of accounts inc porn ones made in my name last week. No one else has this email address other than him and his "friend" as he gave it her. So i set up another one only he has..i only ever answer messages about ds nothing else. We had a contact book but he hardly used it.

OP’s posts: |
YouBoughtMeAWall Tue 12-Jan-21 21:57:15

He has made himself unavailable to attend his child’s contact. (The contact is the child’s right, for the benefit of the child- not a possession for your ex to claim access to) if he wants to rearrange the contact formally- he needs to go back to court and apply for it. But until there is a new court order you just make your DS available on the days it states on the current order. Don’t get into any negotiations with your ex. Send him one email saying “DS will be available for contact in accordance with the court order.” And don’t respond to any arguing from him. Just make DS available on the ordered days.

Nanny15 Tue 12-Jan-21 22:03:46

@YouBoughtMeAWall thank you thats how i feel. I just didnt want to go court and say i havent helped by changing days for what he wants?

OP’s posts: |
JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 12-Jan-21 22:04:20

* He has made himself unavailable to attend his child’s contact. (The contact is the child’s right, for the benefit of the child- not a possession for your ex to claim access to) if he wants to rearrange the contact formally- he needs to go back to court and apply for it. But until there is a new court order you just make your DS available on the days it states on the current order. Don’t get into any negotiations with your ex. Send him one email saying “DS will be available for contact in accordance with the court order.” And don’t respond to any arguing from him. Just make DS available on the ordered days*

Exactly this ^

Nanny15 Tue 12-Jan-21 22:21:21

Thank you so much 😊

OP’s posts: |
marshmallowfluffy Fri 15-Jan-21 17:31:25

Agree with the replies that you've had. He can't just say I'm available every Sunday and expect to have his son then. He changed jobs so he needs to apply for a change. Courts will know how to deal with shifts and you're obviously reasonable to want to know his shifts ASAP.
Dads often end up with EOW because the child will want to spend quality time with mum and her side of the family on weekends they aren't with Dad.

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