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Exh being very strange

(90 Posts)
QuestionableDanceMoves Wed 06-Jan-21 18:35:33

Exh was abusive, social services stopped him seeing the kids after we split. He took to me court for access, took 2 years to finally reach an agreement. He lasted a month before then cutting all contact off with the kids.
This was towards the end of 2019. Throughout the last year he’s popped up every now and again at the kids hobbies, claims he’s interested in having a relationship but won’t take it back to court, he says I should do that. Sent messages when we first locked down saying the kids could go and live with him if I had to keep working- even though he had had no contact for months at that point and lived with a woman they haven’t met.
He ignored their birthdays and Christmas.
He is now asking for daily updates about homeschooling. I wake up every morning to a message saying the same thing as the day before, that he’s willing to help and can’t wait to hear all about their day. Then in the evening I get a barrage of questions about what they’ve done.
He didn’t do this in the first lockdown, he asked nothing about how they were or what they were learning.
On the surface of it, there’s nothing wrong with him taking an interest but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Over Christmas he criticised what gifts they had received despite sending none himself and made wild accusations about not being our sons father.
I’m always aware he may take the matter back to court one day and don’t want him to have evidence of trying to be involved and me ignoring him so I reply to the messages but it feels so intrusive.
How do I handle this?

OP’s posts: |
Givemeabreak88 Wed 06-Jan-21 18:56:10

Gosh you are better than me as I would ignore him!

QuestionableDanceMoves Wed 06-Jan-21 19:06:13

I’d love to, I’d block him and his delightful wife and pretend they didn’t exist if I could but I’ve tried that and it only serves to antagonise them and then they start physically showing up more and more.
I want to ignore him but then if he does go back to court and has days and days of him asking after the kids and me not responding that would look like I was trying to alienate him

OP’s posts: |
Alexandernevermind Wed 06-Jan-21 19:09:02

Honestly - I would block and go to the police with harassment.

QuestionableDanceMoves Wed 06-Jan-21 19:11:12

Police aren’t interested, I’ve reported him countless times before and nothing ever comes of it.
Even when he strangled me so hard I had a hand print bruise on my neck, they arrested him, he denied doing it and they didn’t charge him because there were no other adult witnesses even though both DC had seen him do it

OP’s posts: |
Theunamedcat Wed 06-Jan-21 19:11:18

Physically showing up where more? Everything is closed

Just a calm text kids are fine they don't need help copy paste daily

What have they done? Schoolwork nothing exciting

Does he even see them or ask to see them?

Theunamedcat Wed 06-Jan-21 19:12:39

Remind the police they have a duty of care and of harassment laws

QuestionableDanceMoves Wed 06-Jan-21 19:29:18

He was showing up at the kids hobbies before they stopped for each lockdown- it’s actually a relief for me that we’re confined to the house.

He doesn’t see them, he decided he wasn’t going to see them anymore but then a few months later started showing up at their hobbies. He keeps claiming he wants contact but isn’t prepared to take it back to court to get an agreement that is in the kids best interests. The kids don’t want contact with him which is why I’ve said to go back to court- if the kids felt differently then I would have a different stance.
The kids feel this way because of how he’s been towards them- he’s sent some horrible texts to our son calling him and me names, saying he won’t amount to anything, he’s a failure etc
Also told our son he wouldn’t see him unless his wife was there too etc
DS has now blocked his number

OP’s posts: |
Givemeabreak88 Wed 06-Jan-21 19:35:13

My ex use to do this so I know how it feels, he didn’t want to see them but still wanted to message me and ask how they are, I stopped replying to him as I told him he isn’t a pen pal and If he doesn’t want to see them then I’m not going to update him about how they are. A bit different though as my ex wouldn’t take me to court so I can see why that would be a worry.

Kindlethefourth Wed 06-Jan-21 19:37:54

How old are the children?

Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool Wed 06-Jan-21 19:38:08

Are you uploading dc's work? Email school and ask them to forward it to him .. Explain why. They are legally obligated to send him the same info you get regarding the dc... Suggest to him he emails the school and requests info. Imo he needs keeping at arms length.

QuestionableDanceMoves Wed 06-Jan-21 19:48:27

DC are 13 and 7

He gets all the info from DDs school already, he has refused to give his contact details to DSs school.

It’s such a fine line to walk on- I want to ignore him and keep him at arms length but am also acutely aware of how things look at court. My feelings and mental health do not matter to the court, I have to be perfect in their eyes

OP’s posts: |
Kindlethefourth Wed 06-Jan-21 19:51:30

13 year old will be considered old enough to make their own mind up. Courts unlikely to be able to order them to do anything they don't want to do

Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool Wed 06-Jan-21 19:52:08

I would say at 13 your dc can choose what info their df gets. At 12 my ds went nc with exh. No court intervention...
In your shoes I would absolutely ignore. Or send emails to spam. Leave them there. I would assume in a short period of time being ignored will force his abuse to rank up. Giving you - and a solicitor - proof you were correct in ignoring him..

Kindlethefourth Wed 06-Jan-21 19:54:10

I echo the advice to point him in the direction of the school. Breezy text explaining they are much better equipped that you are to comment on DCs progress. That way you can't be criticised by a court even though I don't think you would be expected to be providing nightly updates in any event. He is trying to control you and courts used to this.

Miramour Wed 06-Jan-21 20:06:31

I too would set up a redirect on his emails to spam or a separate folder.

Perhaps send a short, bland email each week - kids are happy, managing school well - as evidence of cooperation. Beyond that, do nothing. His track record will surely tell the court everything they need to know.

I am so sorry that he wasn't charged for strangulation, that is very disturbing. He sounds like a very dangerous man.

popsydoodle4444 Wed 06-Jan-21 20:08:12

If he goes back to court you can prove he has a history of sporadic interest.I'm assuming most of the contact has come in the form of messages/email?

From what I've picked out of your replies/OP

*Was given court access but abandoned after one month
*turning up without telling DC's to events
*no interest during the first lockdown {5 months} in their education and now he's taken an intense interest
*Offering to have them live with him after barely having any physical contact for the last couple of years
*no Birthday or Christmas presents
*doesnt treat your DS as his eg no contact with school/denying he's his child.

It's completely messed up:does he have bipolar disorder or something?

rainywindows Wed 06-Jan-21 20:09:33

Give him an email address that you set up just for his emails. Look at it once or twice a week. Block him on your phone. Tell him to contact the school if he wants updates on the DCs education.
If he turns up call the police and report him for harassment.

Daydrambeliever Wed 06-Jan-21 20:12:39

"Kids are doing great with homeschooling but if anything changes I'll let you know but due to parenting and work commitments I won't be messaging everyday. Happy to give you a weekly update"... Or you could literally just send him updates all day until he tells you to stop....

"Jimmy is having breakfast"
"Jimmy is doing p4 of his maths work book"
"Jimmy got 16/20"
"jimmy has gone to the toilet"
"Jimmy is eating an apple"
"Jimmy spelled skedule wrong"
"Jimmy thinks Denmark is the capital of Norway"
Etc etc

Daydrambeliever Wed 06-Jan-21 20:13:32

.... But that might not be the best advice!!

Daydrambeliever Wed 06-Jan-21 20:15:05

But it does sound like he's gearing up for court again so you're right to be cautious.

titchy Wed 06-Jan-21 20:34:49

If SS stopped him seeing them block him FFS. He can go to court if he wishes. You don't need to be worried about looking positively at his involvement to court - you need to be worried about failing to protect them from his abuse.

And take out a nonmol so he can't contact you. You've totally dropped your boundaries here - reinstate them.

QuestionableDanceMoves Wed 06-Jan-21 20:57:35

I know the boundaries are gone but every time I tried to put them in place in the past CAFCASS told me I was being unreasonable and that I had to leave an avenue for contact open and because he doesn’t like email then they said I couldn’t block his number.
I am trying to protect my DC by keeping him placated. If he’s happy then he doesn’t show up places therefore they aren’t impacted.
They don’t know he’s contacting me and they are having no contact with him.
He doesn’t contact me enough to class as harassment, the police said it would need to be 20+ messages a day previously, so I doubt I can get a nonmol now

I will go with the suggestions of “kids are fine, working hard, you can always contact the school for additional info” and repeat

@popsydoodle4444 he isn’t bipolar to my knowledge, has had treatment for depression and anxiety in the past, I suspect some form of personality disorder though.

OP’s posts: |
Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool Wed 06-Jan-21 21:06:08

I seriously doubt he will attempt court. He told op she should instigate it... Likely his dw /her family are quizzing why he is nc... So he is making a half arsed attempt to be interested... Court delays being what they are it would take ages. And your older dc would have plenty of say at 13....
Imo stop giving him head space. He can contact school should he choose. You haven't been court ordered to be his secretary...

popsydoodle4444 Wed 06-Jan-21 21:44:09


I'd look up something called an emotionally unstable personality disorder also know as borderline personality disorder;it typically appears in the first instance as depression and anxiety.

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