Worried about daughter...

[SolitaA]

Me and her dad separated 3 weeks after we had her, having been together 5 years. We got back together when she was 18 months old as I thought it was best for her at the time but I was totally wrong. During the first 18 months he only saw her 4 hours on a Sunday and wasn't very good at keeping up with it until she was maybe 15 months when he started to try and show us how important me and her were and started putting loads of effort in. So we got back together and lasted until she was 4,when we separated again (both times because of him having an affair) essentially dd and her dad have no relationship at all, he is with a new woman who has 2 daughters and he is trying to be super dad again. However my daughter (now 5.5 so again 18 months into separation) seems to be having anxiety about going to his. She cried from 2 nights before she's due to go, almost as if it's a panic attack, I've had to calm her using headspace breathing exercises on a number of occasions. At every drop off in the last month he has told me she has wet herself 3 or 4 times while with him, yet she never does this at mine. I'm starting to get a bit concerned and unsure whether I should still be forcing her to see him or allow her to make choices. I realise she's only 5 so I haven't yet allowed her to make the choice but I'm starting to wonder if there's any point putting her through this much stress when she clearly has no relationship with him. What should I do? It's heartbreaking seeing her like this. TIA

[LouiseTrees]

Can you ask her what she finds so scary about being there? Start a dialogue. Also ask how he ( and his other woman and children) reacts when she does this? ( maybe they aren’t very nice). I wouldn’t flat out stop contact unless you have concerns about neglect or them doing something not right but I would maybe change the shape of that contact.

[SolitaA]

I've tried a few times but I don't think she really knows what the problem is. She says things like "I just like you and not dad but I don't know why" she tries to say he's mean but when I dig deeper it's more just he doesn't help her or he is moody and doesn't really interact with her.

[unicornsarereal72]

Is he on board with any changes to contact. Would ds be happy to meet her dad for an hour at the park. Or go to his for tea and straight home.

My dd was 5 when we separated. And she is very much a mummies girl and given the choice not go. But once there I know she is ok. He doesn't do a lot with her they eat and watch films.

Would school offer some Elsa support. She might be able to open up to a trusted adult.