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What do I tell the children?

(18 Posts)
fedup51 Fri 18-Dec-20 22:14:36

Advise please...
Husband and I have separated. We have two DC (6 and 3). I currently won't let husband see the children due to the reason behind our separation (DV) and no court would allow unsupervised access (not that husband will even bother making an effort to see DC) BUT what do I tell the DC when they ask 'where's Daddy?'.

OP’s posts: |
shivermetimbers77 Fri 18-Dec-20 22:38:48

Hi OP, There is quite a lot of advice about this from organisations such as CAFCASS (google Separated Parents Information Programme). Generally the advice is to tell the truth, but in an age-appropriate way: for for young children, there are lots of storybooks to open up the conversation. I have used ‘Mum and Dad Glue’ but there are lots of others that may be more suited to your situation. Good luck!

fedup51 Sat 19-Dec-20 07:19:22

@shivermetimbers77 thank you for this advice! I'm new to all this. Will certainly have a look.

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MotherExtraordinaire Sat 19-Dec-20 08:44:35

Was the dv to the children?
If you and not in front of them, then I'm afraid courts do award unsupervised contact as the issues are relationship specific.

Have you reported the dv to the police?

As for the children, be honest that you and him have chosen to split, but don't make sweeping statement like they won't get to see him, rather you don't know when.

ChablisandCrisps Sat 19-Dec-20 08:48:48

@MotherExtraordinaire is right OP, intimate partner violence is specifically towards partners so if he has not harmed the children physically or emotionally, he will get to see them. I would seek legal advice urgently.

fedup51 Sat 19-Dec-20 09:19:52

Thank you for your posts. All of it is appreciated. He has no interest in seeing the children and wouldn't want to spend the money to go through the courts. I will however seek legal advice just in case.

I was more concerned about what to tell the children as although he was rarely 'present' the children were used to having him around.

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MotherExtraordinaire Sat 19-Dec-20 10:09:27

He doesn't need to go to court. He has pr, so at any point he can take the children and refuse to return. It would be you applying to court in this situation.

School or nursery cannot refuse to give the children to him without a court order.

Just because you feel right now he doesn't want to see them doesn't mean this will remain.

And if it went to court, without safeguarding risks to the children, you'd be viewed as unreasonable as the children have a right to have contact with their father.

fedup51 Sat 19-Dec-20 10:14:07

@MotherExtraordinaire thank you for telling me all this. I genuinely had no idea. Quite shocking that school and nursery cannot refuse to give him the children.

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fedup51 Sat 19-Dec-20 10:25:01

For context, I've not stopped him seeing the children. He just hasn't asked or made any effort to see them.

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MotherExtraordinaire Sat 19-Dec-20 11:26:03

How long ago did you separate and/or him move out?

Where is he living?

Be prepared he will be ay well expect contact around Christmas time and it could be at short notice if nothing has been agreed. Especially if his parents would be wanting to see the children,thus tends to spur things on.

Have you discussed and orga used maintenance? Can you manage financially?

Lemonpiano Sat 19-Dec-20 11:32:11

You need to take professional advice on how to safeguard your children.

The evidence base shows that children living in a home where one parent abuses the other are harmed and traumatised even if the abuse is not directed at them. However, pp are correct that our legal system has failed to keep pace with the knowledge we now have on these significant harms.

If you are proactive in taking professional advice now, you will stand a much better chance of safeguarding your children in the long run.

clpsmum Tue 22-Dec-20 08:22:23

@fedup51 I am in a similar situation. Schools can't stop him but the advice my dc schools gave me is that they can't stop him but they can delay him and call me. Speak to schools and see what they can do

fedup51 Tue 22-Dec-20 08:42:29

@clpsmum thank you! I was thinking something along these lines. Did you just explain the situation to the school?

In regards to other questions; no idea where DH is living. PIL have no interest what so ever in children. They've never met children or me. Financially I can survive. I work, but was planning on remaining part time until youngest was settled at school. Have started maintenance process. Should be a whack going by what DH earns - but can imagine he'll avoid trying to pay anything, so not factoring it into my budget.

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clpsmum Tue 22-Dec-20 09:07:37

@fedup51 yes I went in and spoke to the schools and was totally honest with them. As well as being aware of the situation and agreeing to delay him etc also means they are on hand to offer support to the dc if needed. Feel free to message me if you need to chat. Stay strong and have a great Christmas with your dc grin

fedup51 Tue 22-Dec-20 09:10:40

@clpsmum Thank you so much! I will do that. What did you tell your children? Do they ask where Daddy is?

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Fishfingersandwichplease Tue 22-Dec-20 09:38:47

Gosh he sounds like a right prick OP - you must feel a sense of relief he is out of the house? Obviously lots of other things to deal with too but hopefully this is the start of a new life for you and the kids. Sorry no practical advice but hope you are ok xx

Ohalrightthen Tue 22-Dec-20 09:48:24


*@MotherExtraordinaire* thank you for telling me all this. I genuinely had no idea. Quite shocking that school and nursery cannot refuse to give him the children.

Theyre HIS children! Of course he can't be refused access to them without a court order!

I think you need to see a lawyer ASAP, get your facts straight and work out what you need to do.

clpsmum Tue 22-Dec-20 09:58:27

@fedup51 initially told them that daddy was going to get another house and they would be able to see us both in different houses how exciting! They'd get two bedrooms and two lots of toys etc. Unfortunately things didn't stay amicable and they don't see him anymore. Hope everything works out for you, it is tough sometimes xxx

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