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Maybe i should just hand over the kids to him and Have done with it

(7 Posts)
inthedarkxx Thu 17-Dec-20 21:38:01

My ex husband sees kids 2 afternoons a week. Him as his partner have done nothing but put me down and send me abusive messages. Ex constantly making threats towards me ' the kids will want to get away from you'
Telling the children 'your mum doesn't care about you now your no longer Babies'
Makes threats that he will make my life hell if I mess with him. Always going on about this great new house him and his great are going to buy and the kids will want to go live with them.
They got this nice boxing day Planned at his place all 11 of them ( my 6 kids and her 3 ( soon to be 4) and then two) and does his best to run it in that his gf is spending time with our children and meeting my toddler for the first time ( he knows this bothers me because he never wanted my left baby and his gf hated it and didn't let him come to the birth)
I'm scared they will carry on alienating the kids against me, both of them together are horrible toward me and are both toxic. I'm anxious at the pit of my stomach daily, I hardly eat, I wake up at 4 every morning after having nightmares that he will take kids off me. My 4 year old son is asking me daily if I still love him coz his dad said that comment on front of him. I don't trust him or his gf. I hate the fact someone like her is around my children . I know I'll lose my kids to him and her eventually as apparently they are the better parents because they work and drive and I don't feel like i should hand them over and end it all I can't cope anymore 😢

OP’s posts: |
Nutellacoconut Thu 17-Dec-20 22:54:27

Breathe. Your having a terrible moment.

Your kids are getting bigger everyday and at one point the eldest can take everyone to and from the other parent's home (even if just last leg of the journey). This isn't forever.

It's psychological games. These people want to hurt you that doesn't mean what they say is true. It's their weaponry. Wear a shield of 'fuck you' but the best way to do that is kill them with kindness. Fake it and fake it amazingly. Bullies will stop when it seems unsuccessful. Imagine this was your child - what advice would you give and simulate that.

Kids are kids. They will tell both parties that they want the other at some point without any depth to it.

You won't lose your kids, but don't lose yourself worrying.

The toxic stuff he says to the kids - tell your GP. It's abusing the kids just as much to you. Reassure your child and say 'dad is lying. That was naughty of daddy. Thank you for sharing that with me. You have a space in my heart that is forever yours and yours alone'. Tell your child you live them every day. They'll work their dad out.

Nutellacoconut Thu 17-Dec-20 22:55:20

Ps seeing his kids two afternoons a week is not a man who wants them to live with them!!

Ohalrightthen Thu 17-Dec-20 22:56:45

Is there a court order? Do they want to go?

FreesiaFairy Sat 19-Dec-20 02:42:00

Oh this sounds really horrible, sorry to hear you're going through this. It's hard enough handing your kids over without having to deal with crap like that. flowers you are their mum and nothing can take that away from you x

Pinkyxx Sat 19-Dec-20 18:26:21

I'm not sure how long you've been separated but maybe this will help..

My ex has been doing similar to what you describe (and a whole PILE more which I won't go into) for well over 10 years now. I used to live in a perpetual state of fear and despair. After a few years of it the abusive tactics broke my soul. I was convinced our child would just leave one day. While I still struggle in bad periods, I am not as scared as I used to be.

Fast forward now, our child is older and I've the benefit of some hindsight, which I hope may just help you. Our child has seen him for who he is. Seen through the shocking lies, threats, attempts to coerce them away to 'choose' him, claims I don't care / love them, claims there is 'something wrong in my head' etc. Our child refuses to live with him despite the consequences he threatened (withholding certain things our child wants and needs) that he did follow through with.. our child expresses contempt for him now. They still see him, but there's a 'hanging onto hope' about it - they desperately want him to be the Father they want. Our child says stuff like - why can't Dad be like X's friends Dad or uncle Y? Why does he just not care?

I take no pleasure in this at all and would have preferred a loving relationship between our child & him. I did all I could to enable it, never bad mouthed him, never rose to the lies but I couldn't stop him sabotaging it himself. Just know you reap what you sow in life.

TealightIndaWind Sun 20-Dec-20 16:40:01

Don't engage or respond, and keep any messages. Build your own relationship with your DC. If they were going for custody then they would just be doing it and not waiting.

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