Disneyland daddy... I just don't know what to do anymore!!

[Anonymous1123456]

Hello all, this may be a long one so I apologise in advance.
My daughter (who is 3) visits her dad 3 weekends a month. He's is uncle dad, Disneyland daddy, doesn't implement discipline or boundaries, does EVERYTHING for her (even climbing the climbing frame for her for f sake)
She doesn't have to lift a finger. She has an AWFUL diet from the moment he picks her up in the am.
She's an absolute mess when I get her home. Screaming and tantrums the moment she gets through the door because I ask her to take off her coat and shoes (she knows how to do this, she does it very well after I've spent days getting her out of the Disneyland daddy mindset)
She's also on a gluten free diet because there's a HUGE influence on her behaviour and moods when she has eaten gluten (the moment I changed her diet it was like she was a different child, so calm and happy, could think clearly and play by herself, less needy) but this all goes in the bin as soon as Saturday comes. So when she comes home Sunday evening Monday and Tuesday are spent with a very very unhappy, irritable child because she's had gluten, sugar and no discipline or real parenting all weekend.
All week, every week is spent me doing the parenting, having it thrown back in my face and then repeating the same sh** storm again the next week.
My beautiful, smart and sweet loving daughter is being ruined by a narcissistic, vindictive tw** who clearly thinks he is doing a good job because the moment you try and talk to him about anything he immediately goes on the defence and tries to turn it around back onto you.
I'm at my wit's end now, I'm dreading as she gets older, stronger and more stubborn to think that how her father is raising her is the real world with no concequences. And that mummy is just a cow who tells her off all the time!
Please tell me it gets better? Are there others going through this too? Feel totally and utterly overwhelmed by this all and don't know how to help my daughter understand that it's because I love her that there is discipline and boundaries in life.

[MrsDeadlock]

Could you change the access arrangement? It seems a bit crap that you do all the midweek grunt work and he gets to Disney it up almost every weekend.

Just because he says it has to be so doesn't mean it does. If you don't change it now then you're screwed for when she starts school.

[Anonymous1123456]

Unfortunately not, we have a court order and it's all official. He's very hard to work with and unreasonable so if we were to try and change things he will think it's a free for all and try and change other stuff. Not worth the hassle 🙄

[Wibble01]

Maybe suggest one week he take her to school the Monday and Tuesday. He'll see the contrast when he has to parent her in a different way involving routine and deal with the fallout.
It kind of is what it is once youve split. Especially with a court order in place.

[Pinkyxx]

It can get better. My DD has had a similar contact arrangement to yours since she was 2. Ex has never done a school run in his life... let alone anything else. I had similar difficulties to the ones you list, including difficult behavior on return home, screaming fits, feeding complete junk/sugar all weekend, no bedtime, doing everything for her, when she started school never doing home work & endless presents. She was unrecognizable when she came home for at least 3-4 days after which she settled back down. She literally wouldn't do a thing she was told during those days.. I did and still do all the grunt, none of the fun... in some ways it really sucked and there were times I just wanted to give up. If he upset her, he'd buy her more presents.. that used to infuriate me. I sincerely believed she would end up hating me for being the one who imposed boundaries, disciplined, made her do her homework, brush her teeth, dress herself, feed herself, earn treats etc.. I worried she was going to end up real handful (she's a very willful/spirited child!).

There have been some difficult times to say the least but I've been consistent with boundaries, expectations, discipline and not taken any cr*p. I tried to teach her critical thinking and responsibility instead. It paid off in the end, and was well worth the battles over the years. She's an absolute delight of a child for me now e despite the hormonal years we're now in! On the hand, her Father finds her incredibly difficult now...

The best advice I ever had on this whole thing was from my Mum: ''It's not a popularity contest. You're her parent, not her friend. Don't confuse the 2.''

[HardToDanceWithTheDevilOnYourB]

I lived the exact same misery for years... Friday evening they would get a takeaway, eat leftover takeaway for brekky and lunch Saturday then get another takeaway Saturday evening. She was allowed to eat her bodyweight in sugar and chocolate, didn't have to wear a coat in the snow, the list goes on. She didn't even have to walk herself, he would carry her on his shoulders EVERYWHERE and hand me her shoes and coat.... even in January. No rules, no bedtime, he even used to tell her things like "mummy makes you go to be early because she hates you and doesn't want you around, i let you stay up late because i love you and can't bare to be away from you, not even when you're sleeping" He also slept in the same bed with her. This went on for about 4 years, then he met his GF, who already had two kids and everything started to change, his GF cooks homemade healthy meals from scratch, no more takeaways, which of course DD is furious about, as she wants the takeaways she's used too. They now face hell every single mealtime, which of course he lies about and blames on me, according to him its ME that's always fed her a bad diet. They do utterly absurd things like make her go to be the same time as his GF's children, even put her in bed with these children because its no longer convenient for him to bed share with her (so they don't get mad about different bedtimes) because they absolutely know what's best and care about it for the child they live with but then once the other children are asleep my DD is allowed to get back up again??????????? They had to stop putting her in bed with the other children when it started interfering with there sleep, again because when its them that has to deal with the negative consequences of their actions they do something about it.

DD's smart enough to notice the massive change in her dad's behavior pre GF to post GF, they now have 3 daughters together, plus the 2 children his GF had from her previous marriage and my DD watches from the sidelines. She now HATES her dad for the way he treats her little sisters and the totally contrasting "parenting" she had at their age. Of course that hatred is blamed on me, apparently i turned her against him.... his GF is filthy rich though so now he buys her off with his GF's money and she's become quite materialistic instead, which makes me sad but again... just like when he was a "yes" man, he's making a rod for his own back all over again... she's not interested in any kind of relationship with him or his girlfriend and literally only talks about them to say "I'm going to ask them to buy me x, y, z next time i'm there"... I've no doubt that will be "my fault" somehow too haha

its exhausting and its really not fair, i wasted so many years getting so so upset at the damage i felt he was doing, but ultimately its a learning opportunity. Show your child the differences, teach your child to notice the details, notice the contradictions. My DD came home recently upset after watching her dad hitting her 1 yr old sister for "picking her nose". She told me she asked him not too and his response was "its my job to teach her not to and she won't learn otherwise"....

i asked her the questions...
do my other children pick their nose?....... no!
Have you seen me teaching them not to by smacking them?...... no!...
which adult do you know is always picking his damn nose?...... dad!
Where do you think your little sister learnt it from? copying..... dad!....
right, so the way you teach your kids not to pick their damn noses is modeling that behavior and not do it yourself right? then you don't need to smack a 1 yr old for copying you, do you?...... no!


She's only just starting to see the tip of the iceberg but honestly, don't waste your life worrying about his behavior, you have no control over it. Concentrate on what you can control, your responses and always always take the opportunity to teach! Your child will have many many bad influences in their lives and you won't have any control over any of them, its just unfortunate that "daddy" will be one of them.

[Pebbledashery]

3 weekends a month seems a bit harsh.. Was there no consideration for the fact you might want a weekend with her also.. Do you work full time? No real advice I'm afraid but I'm following as I'm in a similar situation but at the start of the Court process.

[SpaceRaiders]

You get used to it unfortunately. The older they get the more you’ll be able to reason with your dc about the importance of heathy eating and proper bed times etc.

Four years in we still have similar issues. Homework doesn’t get done. In 9 years ex still hasn’t figured out how to work a hair brush! I dread dc spending anything over 5 days as their hair comes back matted. My 6 yr old comes home dressed in 3-4 clothing, completely inappropriate for winter. It’s an endless battle, you become an expert at fighting the important ones and encouraging independence for the others.

[HardToDanceWithTheDevilOnYourB]

@SpaceRaiders

You get used to it unfortunately. The older they get the more you’ll be able to reason with your dc about the importance of heathy eating and proper bed times etc.

Four years in we still have similar issues. Homework doesn’t get done. In 9 years ex still hasn’t figured out how to work a hair brush! I dread dc spending anything over 5 days as their hair comes back matted. My 6 yr old comes home dressed in 3-4 clothing, completely inappropriate for winter. It’s an endless battle, you become an expert at fighting the important ones and encouraging independence for the others.

gosh i could have written this... never showers round there, comes home stinking of BO now that she's gone through puberty, matted hair. Unless they've had there family photos' done, or a function to attend, then its nicely brushed and even straightened.... all for show lol.

Before the GF came along my DD was sent home in the same clothes she went in, unwashed with her knickers turned inside out!!

[Anonymous1123456]

Oh my gosh ladies 😦 I didn't even stop to think about what he might be saying about me behind my back, I really hope he isn't (but by the type of person he is he probably is!) I make sure to never bad mouth him in front of her or say anything bad.
@Pebbledashery I came up with 3 weekends a month so he could have a proper relationship with her and I'd have that one weekend to spend with her, I'm now starting to regret it because of his influence (and my toxic family's who I'm estranged with but to spite me and be vindictive he now has a relationship with even though they actually despise each other... Whole other story!) And awful parenting! Too late to change things now though.
It's awful to think there's so many of us going through this!!
I definitely agree with the 'you're their parent not their friend' thing. Desperately hoping it'll get easier....

[Pebbledashery]

@Anonymous1123456 do you work as well though? Seems awfully unfair you do all the donkey work in the week and he gets to be fun time father at the weekend! I'm dreading the day my ex ever gets unsupervised overnights.. It'll be exactly the same as this. Even his care of DD whilst I was with him was awful, she'd miss meals, go to bed late, he couldn't even be bothered to brush her teeth. I'd have to get her out her cot after he put her down to brush her teeth. Just basic stuff.