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Son seeing his dad on his birthday

(18 Posts)
Whatthedoodle Fri 13-Nov-20 07:54:07

DS will be 5 in just over a week. His dad, for the first 4 years of his lift didn’t show an interest in him He was abusive towards me and wanted me to either abort our son or place him up for adoption.

When me and my current partner were pregnant and he realised our son had a man in his life he decided to take us to court (he didn’t want to be on the birth certificate when DS was born but suddenly 4 years later felt ready for parental responsibility)

He is bitter that DS has a great relationship with my DP.

DS stays with his biological dad every other Friday - Sunday. This year his birthday falls on a Sunday, the Sunday his dad has him. I’ve asked if he can be brought home at 1pm as opposed to 4. ExP won’t budge, no earlier as they have “plans”. Not sure what plans as we are in a national lockdown. ExP has said no earlier than 3. I have spoken tk a family law solicitor who has said in the court order birthdays should be split; and if DS is waking up with his dad on his birthday morning then bringing him back at 3 would not be a fair split on our side.

there’s not enough time to have a solicitor send a letter out about this, and I’m worried if I tell him
I’ve spoken to a solicitor I’ll ruffle too many feathers.

DS doesn’t like going to see his Dad as he has a little brother here and is always afraid of missing out on any fun we have while he’s gone. I assure him we don’t do anything and while he’s gone I just clean the house. He has no friends near his dads house and he comes home miserable after spending the whole weekend watching tv. There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s so hard for me to watch him go to the same mans house who wished him dead as a baby.

I just want to celebrate my sons birthday with my partner and our other son. I want to see him enjoy his presents and have plenty of time to play with them before the bedtime routine starts for school the next day.

Is there anything I can do re his birthday? I would have happily compromised for 2pm but he won’t budge on that either.

OP’s posts: |
Whatthedoodle Fri 13-Nov-20 07:55:53

Sorry I have typed this in such a rush. It should say life not lift, also ExP new about my
Partner long before we were pregnant I just mean I think it was at that point he realised my current partner wasn’t going anywhere.

I think this is more of a rant than anything because I doubt there’s much I can do.

OP’s posts: |
ReindeersAreBetterThanHumans Fri 13-Nov-20 07:57:50

Maybe your son will be poorly that weekend?

SoloMummy Fri 13-Nov-20 08:12:24

Beyond appealing to his better nature or explaining that if he opts to not share the day, then he will potentially not share an eow birthday with him for x years, there's not a lot you can do.

Courts may say share the day, they also may say celebrate on the next normal contact day.

Have you discussed Christmas arrangements?

My advice would be to have all holidays and special days arrangements agreed and confirmed in an email.

Whatthedoodle Fri 13-Nov-20 08:17:38

@ReindeersAreBetterThanHumans that is tempting but I’m terrified to do anything that would make me look bad.

@SoloMummy we have a court order and agreed he can have him at 5pm every Christmas Day (as opposed to alternating Christmases as I wanted him to wake up on Christmas morning with his siblings each year - ExP agreed).

In the court order it says for his own birthday to be split and we’re to agree an arrangement for that. Last year he picked him up early and had him all morning so I had him in the afternoon. This year 3pm onwards doesn’t seem so fairly split

OP’s posts: |
ImaginaryCat Fri 13-Nov-20 08:18:19

I'd get in there first. Let your DS miss school on the Friday (I'd never normally advocate missing school but he's 5, and life isn't normal right now). Make that his birthday. Give him an amazing day. Then send him off for his dull as shit weekend in front of the TV, chirping about his fantastic birthday with you.

ivfbeenbusy Fri 13-Nov-20 08:28:49

You will get him for the next several years on his birthday though if he only has him every other weekend? As next year it will be a Monday and then Tuesday and so on? So I do think it's fair for his dad to have him this year sorry

Whatthedoodle Fri 13-Nov-20 08:34:19

The following years he will be in school so I won’t have him and we’ve already agreed for after school to be split so imo that’s fair. Regardless of the day his birthday falls on, the time has to split.

OP’s posts: |
ivfbeenbusy Fri 13-Nov-20 08:50:31

Ah ok - your post said he only had him Friday/Sunday every other weekend

You get him for all of Xmas day which in my opinion is better than birthdays since that's the only day of the year you are guaranteed to have off school/work - his dad might go onto have a family with someone else so the whole spending it with siblings argument then becomes irrelevant as he will have siblings on both side

SoloMummy Fri 13-Nov-20 08:55:15

Then you need to explain in email that 3pm is going against the court order a d the established practice as from last year. Explain the time you expect for lo to return (same as last year).

If he refuses, then, as bad as it is, I'd take the opportunity of using the pandemic and stating he's isolating (if you can afford the 14 days) or a stomach bug/similar.

DelilahDingleberry Fri 13-Nov-20 08:58:40

It would be very silly to use illness or isolating after you’ve already failed to reach agreement on his birthday. If your ex returned the matter to court it would be obvious what you had done. Do a big celebration the weekend after if necessary. Or give him the Monday off school.

Your ex is an arse but that doesn’t mean you should also be one.

LyingDogsLie1 Fri 13-Nov-20 09:04:07

Have a look at the next few years on your calendar - I’m sure you’ll find his next birthdays fall on YOUR time. Let him have this one, you can then have your son without sharing on his next birthdays.

Whatthedoodle Fri 13-Nov-20 09:15:43

@ivfbeenbusy we discussed this in court - ExP wasn’t happy with every other Christmas so DS having a sibling on our side wasn’t the main factor in the decision - but that’s the reason I’m happy with the arrangement.

Every other weekend is exPs general time with him, to add he gets Father’s Day, his own birthday, and half of ds’ birthday. I was just explaining that his birthday falls on his weekend.

Also for context, I offered for ExP to have days in the week where he could take DS out for tea as I felt every other weekend may be a bit to sparse for DS to form a good relationship, especially after not much contact for years. ExP declined the offer and said every other weekend was enough. We were told his work shift pattern at court which im told hasn’t changed so him working wasn’t a reason to decline midweek contact. He did not actually give a reason - I suspect it’s because his mother is left to look after our son on weekends.

there probably isn’t a lot i can do to pursue an earlier return, I’m just feeling very frustrated.

Things have been civil for over a year. His last birthday there were no issues at all, even last Christmas he was happy to have DS on Boxing Day (his choice). He has recently found out im pregnant which I suspect could be why suddenly there’s an issue with DS’ birthday.

OP’s posts: |
Whatthedoodle Fri 13-Nov-20 09:17:51

To add - I wouldn’t use illness or the pandemic to keep him in, I’m very aware of how wrong that is is. I actually WANT DS to spend time with his Dad, I spent years trying to make it happen. It’s frustrating that it’s taken 4 years but there we go.

Yes DS’ next birthdays fall on my time but as I’ve said, it has been agreed regardless who’s time they fall in the day is split equally with both parents. I’m venting my frustration that this year the time isn’t so equally split.

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LyingDogsLie1 Fri 13-Nov-20 09:56:06

Yes DS’ next birthdays fall on my time but as I’ve said, it has been agreed regardless who’s time they fall in the day is split equally with both parents. I’m venting my frustration that this year the time isn’t so equally split.

My point was that your exDP is setting a precedent and so on subsequent years you can have your DS for the WHOLE day. This will work against exDP in the long run.

Whatthedoodle Fri 13-Nov-20 10:09:18

@LyingDogsLie1 sorry I see what you mean now. I’m going to look into this to make sure it doesn’t go against the order, if that’s the case I wouldn’t have a problem with this year spent with him

OP’s posts: |
Starlightstarbright1 Fri 13-Nov-20 14:30:54

Well split time on birthday after school is pointless He is home by 4 , a few hours till bedtime.

I think he sounds like he enjoys upsetting you. Don't let him know he has

LyingDogsLie1 Fri 13-Nov-20 15:11:34

Ask if he wants to amend the court order so that the same follows for subsequent years?

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