Anxiety when dealing with ex

[howimetyourmother]

Does anyone else get really stressed or bad anxiety when dealing with an ex. I am on the verge of sending him the below email but I thought better of it and decided to post it on here.
I bought my DD a new coat just from George £20 in August and now my ex is basically saying it's not good enough and won't last until Christmas. Nothing at all wrong with it. Has this fixation on buying everything from Next. I buy some pieces from there but I buy what I can afford.
I send her to his in an outfit with shoes and a coat etc and he has things for her at his house now as he picked fault with everything I use to send for the weekend.
I honestly don't know how to deal with him.

Dealing with you makes my anxiety so bad. Feel like your constantly looking to criticise and judge me about everything. Choosing to pay living expenses over shopping at Next you look down at me.

I could spend thousands on designer clothing and you’d still find something wrong with it. No one has ever passed comment on how a child is dressed until you. Christ you probably blamed me for G having missing teeth! (DD is missing two upper lateral incisors but it's from his side as the ex's mother had the same thing as a child)

As long as a child is healthy and happy surely that’s all that matters and not all this materialistic stuff you seem to place on it.

Just be kind surely it’s not that hard when I’m the mother of your child and someone you supposedly cared about once.

[etril]

This sounds just like the relationship I have with my ex too. I feel for you - it's hard. You're absolutely right that the important thing is that your child is healthy and happy. If your DD is old enough (mine is 7), I've also found it helpful to talk directly with her about "different houses have different rules", what she actually wants to wear, and how we make choices about spending money.

I probably wouldn't send an email like that, but only because I've tried it in the past, and for us it just turns into bickering that makes me feel worse. What would a good outcome look like for you? Right now I'm focusing on shutting out my ex's attempts to control our lives - building a good relationship with my DD, reassuring her when he criticizes her clothing choices, getting help for my anxiety.

You're a good parent doing the best you can.

[slipperywhensparticus]

Ignore it your not together you don't HAVE to listen to him anymore

[howimetyourmother]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't send it I posted on here instead. My DD is nearly 5. He wasn't involved for the first 3 years and thinks he's dad of the century now.
I don't even answer the door to him now I send my DD out to him. Going to block him when my daughter isn't with him. Your right I don't need to listen to him but sometimes he makes me doubt myself.

[trogladite]

Your email is absolutely spot on but youre right not to send it. Hes baiting for a reaction. Just ignore EVERYTHING that doesnt require an immediate response i.e. logistics.


I also only message through whatsapp and i mute his notifications so whenever my phone buzzes i know it wont be him, its helped my anxiety enormously. I also now get a little kick whenever he sends me a baiting text and i completely ignore it cause i know how much its pissing him off :) rant to friends and eventually when he sends that stuff youll roll your eyes and not even feel bothered by it.


Youre doing a fab job!

[Starlightstarbright1]

I am with the others , just ignore anything not relevant.

Less contact less anxiety

[Sunnydaysstillhere]

Imo no need ever to let him know his behaviour is affecting you
..
Ime send dd in a onesie. He can dress her up if it makes him feel like a good df.. He can send her back to you in the onesie..

[howimetyourmother]

Thank you for all the replies. Helps me realise I'm not going mad and he is the one with the problem.

[justanotherone123]

Sounds like my ex. In the end he buys clothes for his house. I buy clothes that she wants to wear at mine.

He earns 3x what I earn but never offered to give me money for the clothes he wanted to see her dressed in so buying his own clothes for when her has her was the result.

Don't let on that his behaviour is affecting you as he sounds like the type of person who would be pleased and wouldn't change.

[RandomMess]

I too would remind him that in addition to maintenance he needs to provide clothing for DD whilst she is in his care and he is welcome to buy whatever he feels is most appropriate.

Yes to blocking and ignoring, it sounds like he wants the perfect child to put on show and parade around...

You could look at using one of the co-parenting apps so he has no reason to text or email anymore?

[november90]

I get really bad anxiety when it comes to my ex, it's so hard to believe we were together for 8 years! He walked out on me when I was 24 weeks pregnant with our second and the way he treated me during that pregnancy, I can see now, was unforgivable. I did was a PP said and muted his WhatsApp so I could control when I saw he tried to contact me. I don't know why, but it really helped. Anyway, our chat is now via email as he became too emotionally abusive and threatening so I needed a more formal platform incase I needed evidence in court (seeing how he threatened me with it so much!!).
Every time I see an email I panic. I always quickly scan over the email for key words like Court, contact, childcare before I even read the whole thing. I dread seeing him, I hate him coming into my house. Even though the boys live with me primarily I feel so little as a Mum and like I have no say. Like a shadow..... only when he's around I might add!!!!
I hate him. I hate what he's done to our family and all I wish is our boys don't turn out like him!

I wish I had better coping routines around him... maybe I'll contact woman's aid again for some advice! He has no impact on me when he's no around, but I do get that sense of dread when I know he's coming.

I hope you're ok OP. I understand fully. You're not alone, he doesn't define you, your situation doesn't define you. It will get better for you and it will get better for me! ❤️

[RandomMess]

November don't let him come into your home anymore.

He can wait in the car and you bring the DC out to him.

[howimetyourmother]

Thank you for all the advice. I get my DD back this afternoon I'll unlock the door and he will say bye to her at the door. Luckily I don't have to see or speak to him.

@november90 it's the worse feeling in the world. I'll never understand why some people act like this when surely it's just better to get on and co parent. I hope things get better for you soon too. I'm sure the boys will turn out wonderful with a mother like you.

[november90]

@howimetyourmother thank you lovely! Be strong, you can do it!
My ex is currently "being nice".... which I'm not sure if is worse because then it hits me like a tonne of bricks when he changes back to be an arse!! But I suppose accepting what it is is the first step :)

[RandomMess]

Have you both read up on "grey rock" for your dealings with them?

Another option is letting someone else read the emails and only pass on what you actually need to know. You can give them a dedicated email address and even tell them someone else will be screening them due to the unpleasantness in them currently. May be enough to stop it without someone else having to read them. Also means you can choose when to read them such as once per week.

If contact is fixed there is no need for urgent emails etc. If contact isn't fixed I'd implement that via the courts if need be.