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EX Dramas.... Help .....

(9 Posts)
Babymama2020 Fri 02-Oct-20 21:53:58

Hiya,

I have a baby boy with my ex.. he is 16 weeks. My ex partner left when he was 6 weeks saying that I wasn’t the same anymore and he couldn’t cope (basically I questioned why he was off to the pug AGAIN after the week before went out and never came home for the full night) MEN!
Anyways.... he has a daughter who is 11 and our son who is 16 weeks
He is living back with his mum, and she has said only one grand child is able to go over at a weekend as it’s too much having more than one there. Obviously this upset me as how is my son to see his dad when he lives there if it’s one grand child at a time! But I didn’t say anything as I hate the drama.
This weekend it is one of her grandsons turns to go over.... I asked my babies daddy if he would like to come to mine to bath baby and give him his night bottle and settle him to bed. He said he couldn’t tonight.. I have just found out that it’s because his daughter is staying over with him at his mums for the weekend. Obviously this hurt me, as he couldn’t have our boy!!
So I questioned him, to which he replied “I’m a spoilt brat and spit my dummy out when things don’t go my way.” And “I have a daughter not just our son”
I fully understand he has more than just our boy, but he has been going out for tea with his daughter through week, been having her stay over at weekends and he only sees our son every 2-3 days for a couple of hours.
Am I over reacting??
What do I do....?
He has said he will have him Sunday 12-4!! It feels like all of this is on his terms and he is dictating.. I don’t want to keep my boy from his daddy but I feel like I’m doing it all alone.

Thank you lovelies!! 💕

OP’s posts: |
Babymama2020 Fri 02-Oct-20 21:54:55

Just noticed spelling error PUB not pug 🤣 #tired mama!!

OP’s posts: |
Sunnydaysstillhere Fri 02-Oct-20 21:57:38

Imo pushing him to spend time with his own dc is setting yoir dc up for being let down by a flakey df in the future. Your baby needs stability.. As long as that's from you just leave your ex to it. His loss. Your ds won't miss sitting at a window waiting for a no show df....
Claim Cms.

RedMarauder Fri 02-Oct-20 22:00:40

Your son currently mostly needs you regardless of how you are feeding him. It is actually reasonable that his father comes to see him little and often.

A 11-year-old girl has different needs. She needs to spend large chunks of time with the parent she doesn't live with.

The only thing you should do is arrange a schedule with his father so you know in advance when your son will be seeing his father.

Also ask your son's dad whether your son will be spending any time with his half-sister as even though there is an age gap they should be spending time with each other.

NandosPeriometer Sat 03-Oct-20 11:39:04

Stop chasing him. He knows how to contact you and chasing after him could be making him even less likely to see his son.

Red Marauder's advice is excellent. Keep it formal and business like so it's not taking up too much brain space.

It's not fair that he's spending more time with the 11yo. There's a small chance that this is because 11yo are easier - they chat, don't need their bum wiped etc and that he'll see his ds more as he gets older and dsd becomes a teen and want to spend less time with him.

If 4 hours on Sunday is what he's offering then that's what you'll have to accept. It's pathetically little compared to the time and work that you invest in your son but you can't force a reluctant parent to be a parent and accepting that will help this situation become less about drama because you know what he's like.

Starlightstarbright1 Sat 03-Oct-20 13:10:53

Little and often is what is best at your lb's age.

I agree stop chasing him for contact.. He may then step up when he isn't getting the response he wants from you..
He also may not.. but you can't control this..you can suggest a structure that works for you both couple of hours twice a week then take him out once a week.

Don't talk to him about your life - he doesn't care and will use it to restrict you more.

Is he paying maintenance, getbthat set up through cms if not.

carly2803 Sat 03-Oct-20 21:23:53

stop chasing him. Apply for CSa

i really hope your son has your surname and your x isnt on the birth cert!

JSCM Sun 04-Oct-20 09:20:37

I don't think he will step up if you don't chase him. He will get used to this routine and him dictating rules. Contact a lawyer, one that will give you a free initial consultation. If you don't like what they say then you don't need to take them up just now. I'm saying this as a single mum who is only now getting lawyers involved after 3 years of separation. It was all in his terms and its left me exhausted and sad. Please do the hard work now.

If I had kids from two different people I would want the kids to know each other so it could be nice them being together. But this person doesn't want the hard work. If he was a mum he'd be getting torn apart for being self-centred.

Ignore what he says. It's hurtful but it's an attack through defence and meaningless. And a good reminder of why you're well rid.

Good luck x

Babymama2020 Sun 04-Oct-20 09:37:06

Thank you everyone for the advice!!
I questioned him not having our boy but having his daughter for the weekend. His mum text me some horrible messages and it turned bitter.

He currently doesn’t pay anything for our son, and has just got a new job so I will be going through CSA.

I’ve taken myself out of the situtstion and going to stop pushing our son onto him from now.

Thank you ladies xxx

OP’s posts: |

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