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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Who gets son on Christmas???

39 replies

Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 21:03

Hi. My Son is 10 months old and I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable to expect to have him on Christmas days. His dad was a ONS. He sees him a few hours once a week. It feels wrong that my son won’t be in the family home on Christmas and I won’t get to see him. What’s people’s experience with this???

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Anordinarymum · 03/09/2020 21:06

If it were me I would want to spend Christmas day with my son. Sorry all these abbreviations.. I can't get my brain into gear. What is ONS

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Toontown · 03/09/2020 21:06

It's a tough one. With DSS we used to do alternate years. Saying that DH was much more involved and at points had him more than 50%.

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Megan2018 · 03/09/2020 21:07

It’s the norm to alternate each year. Or if you get on and are local to split the day or spend the day together.
A close friend of mine gets on well with her ex and they spend Christmas, Birthdays etc together with the kids. That’s the coparent dream!

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happylittlechick · 03/09/2020 21:08

It should be 50/50. So either one year with you next with him or morning with you afternoon him. He will be with family. His dad is still his family regardless of how he was conceived. You will miss him but surely his dad would too.
Most importantly you need to be able to talk to the father about things like this. You have to be able to co-parent and this is just the first of many things that need to be discussed.

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Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 21:09

@Anordinarymum one night stand! @Toontownown We’re practically strangers so it’s an odd situation! I know divorced family’s usually alternate but he only has him 5% of the time!

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PhylisPrice · 03/09/2020 21:11

I think it's fairly obvious that he should be with you if he only sees him 5% of the time. Do you get on ok? Could he come to yours to see him on Christmas morning maybe?

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Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 21:11

I know it’s his family but it just doesn’t seem fair that I have my son everyday and he gets him on one of the most special days of the year. I’m staying open minded. Curious to what people think of this as I’m not too sure.

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Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 21:13

@PhylisPrice get on fairly ok! Is awkward at times I must admit. I’m thinking maybe he our son the whole day Christmas Eve?? Double Christmas for my son! Thoughts??

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Megan2018 · 03/09/2020 21:15

Why can’t he spend a few hours on Christmas Day? Full days for a baby aren’t required. Mine still EBF so whole days not possible anyway.

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CodenameVillanelle · 03/09/2020 21:17

I think while he's a baby he should stay with you but as he gets older it will depend on how much contact he has with his dad. If he starts having weekends and holidays with him then Christmas and birthdays should start to be shared. However if he stays a very part time dad then no.

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CaptainCarp · 03/09/2020 21:19

Would dad be happy to have him for just a couple of hours in the morning? As he's so young & won't really know what Christmas is this year.

We have DSC for either Xmas eve & Xmas morning or Christmas lunch to boxing day alternating each year.
Did have to go to court to get this & court "threatened" DPs ex that it was either that or one had Xmas day & one had boxing day (alternating). Ex only wanted DP to have a couple of hours because she might only have DC for half a day . We only live minutes away from each other though & DSC is older.

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paintmegood · 03/09/2020 21:28

As a kid we alternated. Some separated friends do that and others do Xmas Eve/Christmas morning at one place and then swap over.
In your situation with a very different dynamic I'd want my child with me. Does dad live locally? Could you invite him over for an hour or two Xmas morning for presents and breakfast and then pack him off? Or Christmas Eve?

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AnotherEmma · 03/09/2020 21:36

Is the father on the birth certificate? If so he has parental responsibility, if not he doesn't.
And do you have a formal or informal contact arrangement?
Basically you can do what you want and if he doesn't like it he'll have to go to court, not that I'd recommend that option if you can reach an agreement between yourselves, but the fact is that you don't have to agree to anything if you don't think it's in your child's best interests.
Note your child's best interests (not yours)... as he spends 95% of the time with you it probably is best for him to be with you at Christmas at least for now, but if contact with his dad increases and their bond grows (as it hopefully should) it would be beneficial for him to have some time with him over the Christmas period (could be Christmas Eve, Boxing Day etc, or a few hours on Christmas Day, not necessarily the whole of Christmas Day).

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Flynn999 · 03/09/2020 21:40

The fact your child’s dad only has him 5% is surely based on the fact your child is so young. Isn’t he going to start having him more as he gets older? Overnights/weekends etc as he starts getting older.

Your son is as much yours as he is your ex’s. Your equally as entitled to spend time with your son. either split the day so your son wakes up at yours Xmas day then his dad has him on the afternoon/Boxing Day. Or do it that you have one Xmas and your ex has him the next (but that means you don’t get to see him at all during the day).

Personally I think option 1 is better. You both get to spend the day with him and your not going to miss an entire Christmas Day every 2nd year.

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ShinyGreenElephant · 03/09/2020 21:43

My DDs dad has never had her for Christmas. The first year after we split I let him stay over in the spare room Christmas eve - he refused to get up to open presents then I caught him having a joint in the garden. Locked him out there for an hour while we played upstairs with her toys and hes never seen her Christmas day since, neither has he asked to. Sometimes has her boxing day if his mum arranges it. Would be different if he was less of an arsehole, but I would never give up the whole of Christmas day

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TheOrigBrave · 03/09/2020 21:43

Has he actually said he'd like to have his son on Xmas day? Forgetting that it's Xmas if he hadn't had him for more than a few hours at a time it would be an odd request.

Does he want to see him more than 5%?
How did this arrangement happen?

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Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 21:52

Father is on BC. He has son a few hours at the weekend. I think this is down to the fact he works full time and likes to have a social life! I’m not allowing overnight access as my son is just too young in my opinion. His dad understands this and doesn’t seem too fussed. I think the way forward seems to be either letting him have him Boxing Day or a few hours on Christmas! I haven’t had the conversation yet but wanted to be reasonable when I do.

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flipperfloppers · 03/09/2020 21:55

We alternate. One of us has ds for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until 2pm and the other has him from 2pm Christmas Day and Boxing Day. We've been doing this for about 10years and it works really well.

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Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 21:56

Surely his dad would prefer to share the day/Boxing Day than alternate years! He’ll get to see him every year then.

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Cannotcope4223 · 03/09/2020 21:56

Not a hope would he be having him any christmas if I were you. You barely know him after having a one night stand - how can you trust him with your son, unsupervised? My ex will never have my DS for xmas day. Aside from the fact he couldnt care less, I did offer for him to come around the first 2 xmases we were separated but it was “way too early for all that”.

Needless to say all generous offers were revoked and DS knows no different.

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Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 21:57

@flipperfloppers that seems like a good arrangement! I’ll note that one down. Thank you

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TheOrigBrave · 03/09/2020 21:57

@Jenz4567

Works full time and likes to have a social life?

I work full time and have my son with me full time - you get childcare.

And how many hours does he work?

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Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 22:00

@Cannotcope4223 he spends the day with his parents when he has our son so feel more at ease. It has been very difficult to let him go. He’s had ds without me since he was 5 months roughly. I was pushed into a corner with that one.

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Jenz4567 · 03/09/2020 22:02

Works 9-5 monday to Friday roughly. Thing is I would rather my son just be with me as I’m still on mat leave then his dad arrange childcare for him @TheOrigBrave

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Cannotcope4223 · 03/09/2020 22:03

Sorry OP - reading back my post it now reads harshly, and I wasn’t criticising. It must so worrying to let go and 10 mth olds can really make strange. I’d be reassured that he’s with his grandparents too. I would hold off on the overnights until he’s much older too although I am 100% with you that he needs his dad in his life. Is his dad ok with contributing financially?