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AIBU?

(5 Posts)
GallowayESS Sat 29-Aug-20 13:17:50

My daughter is 7. I've known her Dad all my life, same area, we were together such a very short while... til i discovered he already had a girlfriend back then. He was mortified at the pregnancy, I was absolutely over the moon. He tried all that he could for a totally different outcome. He has been paying CM all this while to some degree or another (self-employed) and refused to have his name on birth certificate (good!). He, by trade, is a binge alcoholic, etc. He doesn't have access, he didn't want to know, or have access (good!). He's still with his girlfriend, they split up about 7 times a year, recurring.

He has a daughter from a much previous relationship who is now 22. Lives with her mum elsewhere but visits locally. In the throws of new birth in the beginning, she visited us about x3 times. Her Dad adores 22 year old, does for her and gives her everything (she's spoiled), likely now just to get rid of her, but she's happy with that.

As times has gone on, and it became very very clear he didn't want anything to do with us or heavy lifting, we haven't seen my daughter's step sister for 5/6 years. My thinking has always been, if she carried on wanting to see my daughter, it wouldn't be long before she would be taking her around to his house and playing mum, because he spends all weekends at the pub. Clearly, how can my daughter thrive in that environment, when their Dad would spoil one, and totally ignore the other (my daughter). I don't believe for one minute this is good enough for my daughter. Of concern also, is that this step sister, isn't an angel. When she used to visit, she would have been 16yrs old at that time, she used to place her fags on the end of my sofa! I also have good reason to believe she's part of the friday night 'sniffing' gang.

She has usually text, about once every 18 months or so (my take on this.... is when she is board) to say hope she's ok and give love, i've never replied. I've had 2 or 3 or these already this year. Then last night, the mother of all texts - saying please stop ignoring me, you've stopped me having a relationship with my sister and so the very least you could do is text me back just to let me know she is ok? blah blah blah. I didn't really open it, just read the first 5 lines of notification.

I personally just think, how bloody rude, of course my daughter is ok, im her mother! We have the most wonderful life, she is a very secure, happy, loving, kind and generous of heart child. ....and you are not going to ruin it for us. My take on this is that she is once again board, but is now ramping it up to trouble causing...of which I am not having anything to do with. It's likely she had been drinking/etc last night too.

Interestingly, she does send longer texts , in August, ...right after the child maintenance review and they have received new payment details. Can't help but also think, she is speaking his behalf having listened to his moaning and whining, to try and get somewhere with having my daughter for a night or two. This will never happen, as I know it would be her doing to parental duties at his house over a weekend.

AIBU ?

OP’s posts: |
Mintjulia Sat 29-Aug-20 15:06:28

I'm not sure you are being unreasonable, but you are making a lot of assumptions.

If she wants to see her sister, why not invite her round for a meal. Or invite her along the next time you go out for a pizza. You can facilitate a relationship without losing control.

My ds has an adult half sister who treated me appallingly for 6 years until I walked away. She is still my ds's sister so I invite her out with us if we are in the same area. So far she has ignored me but I know one day I won't be around and long term ds may welcome more relatives. Thankfully I have a big family so Ds has plenty of cousins to fill the gap.

FatherB Sat 29-Aug-20 17:33:21

I think you're being horrible and judgemental and blocking a relationship between siblings for stupid reasons.

I mean seriously she asks if her sister is doing OK and your first though is "of course she's OK I'm her mother!" get over yourself and try and facilitate a relationship.

If you refuse to facilitate a relationship at least bloody tell the girl, you're purposefully ignoring her because of made up reasons in your head.

There's obviously more to this than you've written but you sound unreasonable based on what is written.

NoemiaElara Sat 29-Aug-20 22:16:53

I think you're being a bit unreasonable yes. She has tried to reach out to you and your daughter on several occasions and you've ignored her. Out of spite it seems. I doubt it's just because she's bored! It's very unfair to punish both your daughter and her sister because of the failings of their father. Also to judge her based on the things she did as a 16 year old is silly. You're lucky he pays CM without his name on a birth certificate, many mothers don't get that.

I agree with Mintjulia about trying to sort out a relationship with the girls on your own terms, in your house or with you present. That way you can control who has interaction with your daughter.

She isn't a step sister. As they have the same father she is a half sister.

RosieGirl27 Tue 01-Sep-20 07:57:58

I really don’t understand why your keeping your daughter from her sister? It’s her dad you should rightly be angry at, not a 22 year old who is interested in being part of her HALF sisters life. It seems as if your daughter doesn’t have any siblings on your side, why would you want to keep your child from having a sibling out of spite? It’s not her fault her dad wants to be her dad and doesn’t want to be a dad to your daughter; stop punishing both her and your daughter for your own personal problems.

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