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do i leave DH and become a single parent?

(12 Posts)
bealcain Wed 03-Oct-07 08:19:08

am due to get married next september and having serious doubts abot my future with DF. we've been together 2 years, and have 2 children, we met when i was 8months with DS! and facing single parenthood. we always say if it wasn't for the kids we never would have met and definately would not stay togther.

when people say they're staying together for the sake of the kids, do they mean for the childrens happiness or just not splitting the family up? i'm only 20 dont want to get to 40 when the kids have left and leave and then face being on my own forever.

i'm in such a predicamnet....grrrrrr....please help

Hulababy Wed 03-Oct-07 08:22:08

Why are you marrying your DF?
Do you love him? Are you IN love with him?
Does he love you?
Do you see yourself staying together and growing old together?

wildpatch Wed 03-Oct-07 08:26:12

none of what you say shows anything other than being afraid f the future.
i would have said, leave him. but you have achid with him. and he has been good enough to you and your other child etc. he must have some good qualities.
what happens when you are forty isnt something that should seriously worry you rightnow. what you need to do is be calmer and clearer about right now.

bealcain Wed 03-Oct-07 08:26:18

i have no clue why....because it's what my parents want me to do...(dads a vicar) i do love him but not sure if IN love with him, how do you know?

i think he does but again not in love with me. there's a bit of age difference and i think we're both just doing it coz we're scared to be on our own. which is silly i've got years ahead of me!

i like to think i can see us growing old together but i think once the kids leave home that would be it, but i'm not sure whether its right to go now before it all turns nasty, leave on civil terms for the sake of the kids, instead of waiting till it gets horrible and there's more chnce of the kids geting hurt!

wildpatch Wed 03-Oct-07 08:29:47

if it aint broke, dont fix it

bealcain Wed 03-Oct-07 08:31:02

but what if it was never right in the first place....

MyTwopenceworth Wed 03-Oct-07 08:37:13

It depends what you want from life, really. If you are happy to have a home and share parenting with a man you like, then fine. It is possible to live like this - if you are both happy to do so, if you get on can actually be happy.

BUT. What about love. Don't you think you both deserve to find someone who you feel in your heart ...I don't mean lust, I don't mean butterflies - god knows that wears off after a while grin ... I mean looking at them and feeling a connection - because it is THAT, that gets you through the tough times (all marriages have them). If you don't have that bond, then you can't get through.

What if you marry him then meet someone a year later, or he does?

What about sex? Will you have that - want that? What about sex with other people. If you don't love each other, will you find each other attractive? Will you agree to be ok with you both finding partners outside the marriage? Would you hide that from the kids?

I guess the thing is to make a choice that you are both happy with. Be honest. If you are both happy to have a co-parenting, house-sharing agreement instead of a love marriage, then you can make that work.

wildpatch Wed 03-Oct-07 08:40:19

what mtp says.
tbh, by having children young, and with two different men, you have limited your choices. but, the thing is, you still do have chioices. you need to make the w=one that keeps you happy and sane.
as i said, what mtp said. (wise one she issmile)

Lorayn Wed 03-Oct-07 08:51:17

bealcain, what exactly are your doubts?? There are times I think there must be more to life than this and wonder aout the 'what ifs' but there are other times I am with dp and it comes over me that I do love him very much.

I think what mtp said about butterflies etc is so true, love isn't like the fairytales we expect it to be, it doesn't blow you over every second of the day, if you give up what you have now in the hope that you will get the fairytale I fear you may regret it.

Also, with bringing up two very young children your own lives (including love life) can come to a stand still. Do you do anything together??

Are you sure it is DF that you are disatisfied with? and not just life in general?

Tinkerbel5 Wed 03-Oct-07 10:11:49

bealcain you are 20 with 2 children and have the whole world in front of you, the day you walk down the aisle should be one of the happiest days of your life, bitter resentment can occur when couples stay together for the children, what about your happiness?, surely a happy mummy makes happy children. As you have already said what happens when the children grow up and fly the nest, will you be content with your parner ? If you dont want to split up you could always take a temporary break to sort out your feelings, you never know you might miss him loads and it might dawn on you that you can face life without him, whatever you do decide do it before you get married

Tinkerbel5 Wed 03-Oct-07 10:12:20


bealcain Wed 03-Oct-07 20:36:09

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.....brain crash!

ok so looking at all your points, i agree with them all.

we've noth always said that if we took children out of the equation therew ould be no us.

i'm not sure if this is what a relationship is supposed to be like tbh. i know i love him and love being around him. no we dont do NAYTHING together, he always eem reluctant because of the;s all so hard.

my mum always says that life isn't supposed to be easy, but then it;s not supposed to be har either is it? surely just by thinking all of this it cant be right to stay together. i think a break is a great idea, unfortunately neither of us has anywhere else to go

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