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Joint vs full custody

(12 Posts)
november90 Thu 30-Jul-20 06:25:39

Would the fact that dad is a complete emotional abuser impact a courts decision?

I could write a novel of how abusive my ex has been to me since he left me at 24 weeks pregnant with our second. The lowest of the low was when I asked if I could include my maiden name as a second middle name and he kicked of with me calling me disgraceful, disgusting accused me of not loving our sons and threatened to take my eldest away permanent.
I've agreed for him to have him 2 nights a week as he threatened court... but the more his behaviour is like this o do not see him as a good role mode and I am starting to believe that he's trying to sabotage my relationship with my son!
I don't want to go down this road..... but has anyone been in my shoes?

OP’s posts: |
omg35 Thu 30-Jul-20 14:23:53

I'm sorry to be harsh but the court only care about how he parents the child, not the way he treats you. They also don't care about anything that happened in the past, only how he is parenting now. I really feel for you as DD's dad is equally abusive but these are the facts

november90 Fri 31-Jul-20 09:12:49

Thank you for the reply! It's annoying that someone who is so unstable and mentally abusive could potentially have my sons half a week! 😭

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november90 Fri 31-Jul-20 09:13:05

Annoying/deeply concerning to me

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FatherB Fri 31-Jul-20 15:11:28

Shared Residency isn't very common in the UK. It's starting to happen more and more but it's much more common in the U.S and Europe.

I think he's almost guaranteed to get EOW unless he's abusive toward DC and he's actually a danger to them.

If he lives close by and is generally a decent father and asks the court for shared residency in the form of a 50/50 arrangement then perhaps he'll get it? It will be spoken about but it really depends on the judge more than anything. They might give him visitation days during the week instead though.

Obviously take any legal discussion with a grain of salt until you speak to an actual legal adviser. I would say that in my opinion having a court order is just better for everyone involved. If he breaks it then you can clearly refer to what he has broken and why and it gives him the same opportunity to do the same back.

JulyBreeze Fri 31-Jul-20 15:17:03

I know it's really hard to believe OP, but even if you were saying he was beating the children you'd still have quite an uphill struggle to prevent him having access to them.....

Sorry. That's the reality.

And the idea of "custody" doesn't exist any more. The current thinking is that the children have a right to see both parents and continue a normal regular relationship with both of them, UNLESS there is real evidence that this would likely result in harm to them.

Record anything he does or says which has a direct effect on them.

hayleym1987 Sat 01-Aug-20 23:42:08

You should really seek legal advice, my ex has been causing emotional and mental abuse to me that didn't end when the marriage did in 2011, the court wouldn't even look at how controlling he was, and he's continued this with the children, but now they are 12&10 I've had social services involved and now have a solicitor and evidence over 2 years now I'm heading back to court, I've completely failed to protect my children thanks to family court in the past, just hoping it'll change now

Dablikeacrap Sat 01-Aug-20 23:45:27

They couldn’t give a shit sadly

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 01-Aug-20 23:49:57

Paradoxically, the best bet to stop him spending any time with your child is to allow him as much time as he wants with them. Men like this use their DCs as pawns and will fight you tooth and nail to see them, as long as it makes you unhappy!

Then as soon as they get wind of you actually making plans and enjoying your child free time, they will make it difficult for you by not turning up as planned, refusing to be flexible over dates etc and generally being awkward!

They will threaten to take away your children and take you to court etc but funnily enough they rarely end up doing more than the odd night here and there.

november90 Sun 02-Aug-20 12:55:13

Thank you all for the replies! It's absolutely heartbreaking to hear your stories and how our innocent little kiddies aren't protected by the courts sadIt makes me feel like such a bad mum to be letting them around someone who is so emotionally unstable and abusive but what more can I do?! sad

OP’s posts: |
Louise91417 Sun 02-Aug-20 13:02:08

Iv been exactly where you have been, i kept all ex's texts, put up with threats of court (which he had no need to make at time as he was then seeing ds) final straw was him calling me a cunt in front of ds. I suspended contact and heard nothing more from him. The court threat is control, my advice..always line your ducks up..court arent interested in 'he says she says" they want proof..

blackhorses Sun 02-Aug-20 13:33:03

If you have genuine concerns about the amount of time he is spending with them and his influence during that time, I would try and reduce it without court at least initially so that there is a clear pattern of him having them less if it does come to court.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble has hit the nail on the head about how he is likely to react. So I would try and see if you can quietly change how you behave about him having the kids to see if you can get a response where he reduces the contact himself. Have a think about what would be likely to provoke that. How would he be likely to behave if he believed that you really relied on or appreciated that time to yourself? Those are the most likely I would think.

If he chooses to drop a night and then you seek to legally recognise that you're in a much stronger position than trying to get a court to reduce his time.

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