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Accepting no more children

(6 Posts)
Milsplus3 Fri 17-Jul-20 14:40:03

I know this isn’t a popular topic on here so I’d appreciate it if you don’t agree then to please not reply

It would have been my due date today if my sperm donation worked. I feel like I’m grieving a baby that has never existed. It’s unlikely I will be able to try again due to pcos complications I’m running out of time and lockdown is preventing me from acting quicker. All I wanted was to have a proper family, my daughters’ dad has no interest and I’ve been desperate for her to have a sibling for years. My family haven’t been supportive in my life in general so I haven’t told them. I have no one to speak to about this that understands or cares.
More of a rant than anything as I know nobody here can help me, but I just feel so gutted I might never get to experience pregnancy, birth and raising a child again. Does anyone have any ‘words of wisdom’ or if they were in this position and they got their happy ending? I can’t mentally deal with another ‘at least you have a child/be grateful’ right now. Ty

OP’s posts: |
MaybeDoctor Fri 17-Jul-20 15:15:03

I am not a lone parent but wasn’t able to have a sibling for my child. I didn’t want to leave your thread unanswered as it is a unique kind of pain.

I have come to a degree of acceptance, even though the pain is still there... I think there is a period of childhood (perhaps 8+) when you can begin to enjoy their world expanding with hobbies, new skills and looking to the future. That has helped. Also reminding myself that siblings don’t always get along!

jessstan2 Fri 17-Jul-20 15:53:52

A very sensible post from Maybe.

Op, you have a child. Being an only child is just fine, it also means you have more time and scope to do things you would like to do.

You don't mention work but having an interesting job really helps.

flowers

LonginesPrime Fri 17-Jul-20 16:15:05

Sorry to hear that OP.

My advice would be to refocus yourself on some other big but achievable goals for yourself and DD so that you're looking to the future and driving your energy into something positive.

It sounds like you've had a difficult life and I can completely understand how hard it is to let go of this idea if you've had it in your head that another baby will help you to feel more like a 'proper family', but it's important to keep in mind that you and DD already are a proper family.

When someone has had emotionally abusive/neglectful relationships in the past, especially growing up, it's very easy to believe that 'if I do x then we can finally be happy', but (and sorry if this sounds harsh) I don't think that having another baby would have filled the emotional void that you allude to experiencing with your own family anyway.

It's still sad that you don't get to have the second baby you wanted, obviously. But I also think it would be helpful to examine why you don't view yourself and your DD as a 'proper family'. Personally, I don't think that's anything to do with the number of children in your household.

Counselling can make a world of difference, as can self-help books and self-development. thanks

Milsplus3 Fri 17-Jul-20 17:15:26

Thank you all

OP’s posts: |
Stargazer9 Thu 23-Jul-20 18:35:04

I was in a similar situation. I was a single mum to one child, and desperately wanted more children. I chose to go it alone as my child's dad was abusive. I was young (18) and thought I had all the time in the world to have more children; however, after another failed relationship and a string of miscarriages I decided to focus on the positives of having one child and being able to better myself. I went to uni, trained in a profession and worked my way up. I was very grateful for my child, especially after 3 subsequent losses, but by the time I got to 30 I was desperate for more children. The yearning had never gone away, it just got worse. Telling myself I should be thankful and all the rest of it just didn't work - it was a painful, instinctive yearning and I couldn't switch it off. I remember one of my colleagues announcing her pregnancy to our department and it was like a punch in the gut, I disappeared and had a good cry about it.

So, I got into a relationship with the nearest guy I could find, got pregnant within the first few months and thankfully had my second child. I knew the relationship wouldn't last, that wasn't the point. I just wanted to get pregnant. I had explored the sperm donor options and couldn't afford it. I'm utterly delighted that I did it and don't regret it. My second child has a great relationship with the father. I spent the 13 years between my children trying to to persuade myself that I didn't need to have another child but the feelings just got worse. I know that the sensible thing to say is what the previous posters have said, but I just wanted you to know that someone gets it and felt exactly the same. Obviously I don't know your situation but I wish you well OP, I really hope you can find peace if you can't try again flowers

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