Ex refusing to hand children back

[eyebrowsofinstagram]

My ex is refusing to hand the children back to me. He is keeping them for most of the time, in the last week I've seen them for less than 24 hours.

Before lockdown I was the primary carer.

He's very abusive and aggressive so turned up at my house to get them when I didn't want to give them back (I'd had them for under 24 hours at that point) he got into my porch and stayed calling through the door to them until they finally went with him.

They are 7 and 9.

What do you think I should do?

I'm scared of court because he's a senior manager and former public speaking champion and our last experience of court regarding finances was horrific for me as the judge bowed down to his every word.

[Cp1618]

I wouldn't let him see them!!! How dare he do that they are your children. I would go to court explain what's happened then see if he could maybe just see them in a contact centre so that the children don't miss out on seeing their dad.

[Mintjulia]

Hi OP,

You need to call the Gingerbread helpline, and then you need to go to court for an access order, with an experienced solicitor or advocate, to speak for you.

Once you have them back, if he comes to your home without being invited, call the police and have him removed. He has no right to bully or harass you, and it needs to stop.

Good luck.

[VettiyaIruken]

I understand you're scared but until you get a formal court ordered arrangement you are going to have to deal with this and in the long term it will be harder.

[eyebrowsofinstagram]

Thanks all for your replies. Yes I agree a formal court order will be what I need.

I spoke with Women’s aid and they were really helpful in helping me compose an email to him.

I think he's trying to set a precedent for 50/50 contact to stop me moving to be near my parents. (Which isn't even far away, and nearer his parents too) but I think it's just another step in trying to control my whole life.

I'm scared going through court will mean he does get 50/50 and I won't be able to move.

[Mintjulia]

The court won’t stop you moving a short distance. If there are additional travel costs, they might ask you to meet him half way or reduce maintenance by £5 a week to cover his petrol, but that is all.
Would he really want 50:50? Is he prepared to rearrange his work life to do school runs etc? A lot of non-res parents don’t, when faced with the reality.
Don’t be scared. The court will put the well-being of the dcs first. His refusal to return the children when agreed will not go down well with the court.

[eyebrowsofinstagram]

Thanks @Mintjulia, he certainly wouldn't have gone for 50/50 before lockdown, but now his work have said he'll be working from home until Jan at the earliest- and likely it will continue to be predominantly home-based.

So I'm obviously worried as children aren't properly looked after with him, so for their well-being I'd like to continue being primary carer.

The area I'd be looking to move to is 50miles away - but we have no ties to this area- and it's too expensive for me to afford housing. And as ex-h works 35 miles away (when he's in the office) the new area's not significantly further to his work.

My friend tried to move 113 miles away last year- and her ex took her to court and won 50:50 custody of the children so she could no longer move.

That's what I'm scared of.

[midnightstar66]

Next time he's in your porch bullying you call the police. Have this behaviour on record!

[PicsInRed]

Right, but lockdown and home working aren't going to be long term. Offices are already reopening and judges know this. The sooner you get this sorted, the more likely your prior arrangement is considered the default to be returned to.

[7yo7yo]

You should have called the police when he was harassing you.
Protect your children op.