This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Worried about not being good enough(6 Posts)
So my abusive marriage is coming to an end. I forced the situation due to growing up in a very toxic household, and have every understanding of the damage it causes and wanted better for my daughter. So I know I'm making the right choice on this one. But now I have made the decision the enormity of the situation is setting in.
How do I do a good job of this? I mean things like Christmas and holidays just panic me! I do work part time in a fairly involved managerial role, but will be entitled to some universal credit. All the same I'm aware that things will be exceptionally tight. Holidays are going to be pretty simple, if possible at all. How do I make sure she gets all the sparkle of a family Christmas!?
How, when or if the time is right, do I go about introducing a new bloke to the equation. I just want to be the best mum I can be, and I'm worried. I just don't want her to loose out, because of my marriage failure.
Hi OP, I've been where you are, I'm about 3 years on now and can honestly say that although I feared the absolute worst, my son and I have a very nice, happy life!
In the gentlest way, look at the things you've worried about, you are catastrophising. Christmas, new partners etc are not a problem for today are they? It's natural to think like this, but in order to look after yourself you need to check these thoughts and think "is this a problem today or am I marching ahead of myself?"
Christmas - save up your boots points for 6 months and you can get all her gifts for free in the 3 for 2 offers. Also save up Tesco clubcard and any other schemes like that that you have.
New partner - presumably you'd date for a while before introducing, by which time you'd know him well and work out a way to do it together.
It's human nature to find change and unknown outcomes very scary, and unfortunately you're being faced with a ton of that right now. Try to focus on the things that you need to do now (I found making lists of practical things, eg changing the council tax very helpful) and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
I promise, before you know it you'll find you've overcome those hurdles that seem so huge now with ease
How old is your daughter? Could you move to a full time role?
When my marriage came to an end I set about minimising my outgoings and maximising my income.
Holidays- fly cheaply with Ryanair or EasyJet, visit friends. Christmas- start buying stuff for the stocking as early as possible- whenever you see anything in the sale or out and about buy it then and stash away. Buy online from TK Maxx etc.
Don't worry about new blokes yet. You and DD can have a lovely life.
You don't have to make it "perfect" - in fact that is impossible. I had some psychotherapy after having many similar concerns. She was fantastic and I strongly recommend asking your GP for some sessions with one if possible. For me she said that the very fact I was worried spoke volumes. She didn't understand why I put myself under so much pressure to do thing I had never had (which I tried to explain was why) and reminded me that all dd will ever want is time with me and for that to be as happy an experience as possible. All of the rest will likely be forgotten and busting a gut and being tired/anxious/ miserable never helps anyone.
Obviously I still am tired/anxious/miserable at times, but it helps to have the get out clause of her voice saying those things if I want a day off or feel something wasn't "up to scratch".
Even 2 parents can't do it all all of the time.
Op, I found, apart from one special present at Xmas or birthdays, what my ds wanted most was my attention, homemade cakes and doing daft stuff together.
Kids will forgive you almost anything as long as you love them without limit.
The same goes for new men. As long as your dd knows she will come first for as long as she wants it, you’ll both be fine.
Thank you everyone. I've been in a better frame of mind to see the positives today. But I appreciate your comments. I know I'm doing the right thing by both of us. And feel happy and confident in that.
Please login first.