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Girl broke up with son week after newborn

(20 Posts)
b1llyt Tue 23-Jun-20 07:58:03

My son and his fiancé have split up 10 days after they had a baby. They both live with there parents and during the Coronavirus have not got to see each other. He is a key worker and the risk was to high. My son has depression

OP’s posts: |
b1llyt Tue 23-Jun-20 08:00:10

We are so worried now he won’t enjoy his son growing up neither will we the grand parents. He just said they both decided it was best but she brought the idea up. My wife I broken because we have not got to hold the baby but all her family have. Photos of them all over Facebook. Also my wife’s mother who is in lockdown just out will she ever see her great grandson. Do we seek legal advice I say yes but my son says not yet.

Subject:

OP’s posts: |
SavoyCabbage Tue 23-Jun-20 08:16:21

Legal advice to gain access to a newborn baby that you haven’t been allowed to see because of a worldwide pandemic that has killed thousands of people? No. I don’t think that’s a good idea quite yet.

I think you should wait. I also think you shouldn’t pin blame on the mother for ending the relationship as it was ‘her idea’.

SavoyCabbage Tue 23-Jun-20 08:20:30

I also think that you shouldn’t think of your son’s responsibility to this child as an ‘enjoyment’ that he may miss out on. It’s more than likely that he will get access to the baby when all of this is over. The vast majority of people who are in relationships with people who they have a baby with, as your son was, want the child’s father to have an involved role.

FedUpAtHomeTroels Tue 23-Jun-20 08:31:47

Your son needs to make sure he stays in contact and stays involved or she may well fase him out. She needs to know he wants to be part of his childs life.

b1llyt Tue 23-Jun-20 08:57:21

I am not blaming his girlfriend I know my son is not perfect. Part of the enjoyment when you look back is the sleepless nights the dirty nappies all up the back the runny nose and being sick teething. I do believe you enjoy your children growing up. I am not heading to seek legal advice this minute I just need help please.

OP’s posts: |
MonsteraCheeseplant Tue 23-Jun-20 08:59:57

I'm not sure that there much that you can do here, your son needs to assert his paternal rights to access. Is he planning on doing that?

ForeverBubblegum Tue 23-Jun-20 09:34:38

You need to think about what's best for the baby, not the 'enjoyment' of adults. As the mother lives with her parents, of course they can hold the baby, but exposing a newborn to another household (you/wife) is quite high risk, considering there's a global pandemic.

Your son need to arrange to have contact when its safe to do so, starting with short visits with the mother present (so baby feels safe), and working up to him taking baby once they have built up a relationship (could be months, and likly over a year for overnight). If access is denied, then is the time to seek legal advice. If you spring straight to layers before anyone has done anything to warrant it you'll just get everyone's back up, and make it harder for them to maintain an amicable co-parenting relationship.

ForeverBubblegum Tue 23-Jun-20 09:47:35

Also she is a woman not a girl. You choose to use that word so you can dismiss her opinions is silly or childish. Stop it.

Sirzy Tue 23-Jun-20 09:49:50

So your son is just happily taking a step back and not caring about his child? If that is the case then your issue is much closer to home!

HelmutShmacker Tue 23-Jun-20 09:59:13

Sorry but if she's not happy in the relationship she is under no obligation to stay just so your son and your family don't 'miss the baby growing up'. Yes it's a shame but if its the best decision for her/ your son then so be it. Has she discussed contact with your son?

b1llyt Tue 23-Jun-20 09:59:37

My son is not happy sitting back he wants as much contact as possible with this woman and the baby he doesn’t want to break up. Sorry used to calling her His girlfriend my bad. This woman visited all her relatives during lock down. 3 different households and they all had photos taken holding him. We want the relationship back we love his woman friend. I am a stupid 53 year old man I will go back to my corner and not talk not used to posting on forums.

OP’s posts: |
2bazookas Tue 23-Jun-20 10:33:44

Try to keep contact open. I'd send two letters, one to the girl and one to her parents,

To them; saying how sad you are at this turn of events, but it's very early days and you hope the young parents will manage to work something out in the future over family contact. so lets stay in touch.

To her; you are so sorry they have broken up, but hope she will always let you be part of your grandchild 's life. . You wish her well and will always be there if there's anything she needs, etc.

ForeverBubblegum Tue 23-Jun-20 10:36:53

Has your son asked for contact? What are the reasons given for not letting him visit? The isolating a baby is reasonable, but letting it see others but not your DS seems unfair, is it linked to him been a key worker? Though I would assume he went on paternity leave when the baby was born, so has been at home for nearly two weeks anyway.

If communication is because difficult, maybe your DS could open an email address just for child arrangement, and have all discussed about baby. That way there is a record of who said what incase it does get to the stage of seeking court ordered contact

cakeandchampagne Tue 23-Jun-20 10:40:10

It would be a good idea for your son to seek professional legal advice now regarding his rights and obligations and options.

SavoyCabbage Tue 23-Jun-20 11:03:44

You said “ they both decided it was best but she brought the idea up” which is why it sounds like you are blaming her.

What you and your wife can do is be supportive of her. Like Bazookas says, let her know you would like to see the baby when she feels ready for that.

All of your messages on here are on the attacking side. You haven’t even heard what her side of the story is yet. You need to be calmer in your communication with her than you are on here.

As for your son, he needs to continue to ask to see the baby and get his financial contribution set up.

PotteringAlong Tue 23-Jun-20 11:06:34

Woman friend?!

Come on, you can do better than that.

And no, you shouldn’t seek legal advice.

Your son should be paying his share, seeing his baby and making sure they can find a way to co-parent.

RedBrownBrick Tue 23-Jun-20 11:22:48

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time from some pps..

There's not much you can do except to keep the avenues of communication open and make it clear that you would like a relationship with the child as soon as the covid situation allows. Have you sent a card etc? Can you send some presents? Maybe ask if they can do a zoom call so you can see the baby (but don't push too hard if they're not keen - lots of people hate zoom).

Just keep in mind that you don't know the ins and outs of their relationship or her situation, so make sure you don't come across as judgy or pushy, or she'll just push you further away.

Obviously your son needs to make it clear that he wants to support the child both practically and financially, but that's down to him, not you.

Mintjulia Tue 23-Jun-20 11:26:41

Congratulations. All you can do is stay positive & interested, and open to help and support your grandchild's mum.

The key relationship is between your son and his ex.

When the Register offices reopen, the ex can register the birth and hopefully will agree to your son being on the birth certificate. Once that is done, your son should be able to visit his child, and when lockdown is over, bring the baby to meet you all.

But please remember there are two sides to every story. Your son's view of their relationship may be different from his ex's view. And as a grandparent, you don't have any legal right of access.

With 18 years co-parenting ahead of him, your son needs to manage the relationship calmly, be support and willing to compromise and remember his ex has just given birth in the middle of a global pandemic, her overwhelming instinct will be to protect her child.

PicsInRed Thu 25-Jun-20 18:12:07

Interesting that the word "mother" wasn't used once. "That woman" and "the girl".

Telling.

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