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Court access and toxic GPs(12 Posts)
I’ve just had to accept a court order for access to my children from their GPs. As a single parent I couldn’t afford to go to another hearing but I managed to get as little as possible. Their son, the children’s father is dead and we had been separated for a number of years when he died. He had addiction issues. His parents did everything they could to conceal it from whoever was involved with us even going to the extreme of lying about me. 2 false allegations of assault and the GM following us to school led to me getting a non molestation order against the GM. She had also been denigrating me to my son since he was 3 years old. I’ve managed to keep them away for over 2 years. The children didn’t get any provision made for them in their daily lives in the Will and in fact weren’t even mentioned in the Will. Their money has been put into trusts until they are 21. So we now have court ordered access and I don’t trust them at all. My barrister advised me they would get some access so I had to go in first and get as little as I could. They constantly dangle a carrot in front of the children about the amazing holidays they want to take them on. They also have £18k of the kids money left over from the estate that they will only give directly to the children and only if they take them out to buy it. I was free of this manipulation for a while and I loved it but I know they are now going to go to work on the kids. I haven’t allowed any overnights. What can I do to help the children through this? I just feel so bad that they are going to be exposed to them. They aren’t good role models at all and the whole family will lie to protect their own reputations and that includes the two paternal uncles. I just don’t know what I can do to protect them from this.
You must feel torn apart. I have a few questions
What access were they granted?
How are you financially?
Can you move further away from them?
I was made redundant in 2018 and decided to run a business from home doing the same thing. It makes more sense as a single parent as well because I’m around more and there are now no childcare costs but I was already not earning a huge amount of money so decided to pay for a barrister for one hearing. I’ve taken a mortgage holiday as there isn’t much freelance work around at all at the moment which will help stretch the remaining funds a bit. They live very far from us. Takes a few hours to get to us from where they live so they are extremely determined. But how can I help the children? They will be manipulated by them but I don’t really know what I should do.
They are seeing them every 6 weeks plus Zoom calls. They were asking for weekends and family holidays. I stopped overnights but it’s written in the order that if the children ask to go then I have to consider it.
Manipulated to think badly of you? In order to try and get more access?
The financial situation sounds horrendous and confused, there no maintenance provision from their father’s estate yet a sum will be made over to them when they’re 21?
It’s difficult to explain. The grandmother believes that her views and her needs come above mine. I believe that she is mentally ill and the children need to be shielded from her. The effects of her illness on her deceased son was obvious. I couldn’t live with her. It then extends to my children. I’m worried that she will manipulate the children to distort their view of me and that there will be a lot of carrot dangling to get the children to stay overnight with her and continue this behaviour. I think it’s a form of brainwashing. Her family seem oblivious. The children have not received a penny from the estate and the money they could give them they are controlling ie they will only give the children the money if directly asked by them and then they will take them out to buy it. Effectively taking me out of the equation.
How old are your children?
A visit every 6 weeks is 8 visits a year. When you have them the whole of the rest of their lives. Can you try mentally to put this in proportion - a few hours 8 times a year is not going to undo everything you do the rest of the time.
It sounds like a complete mess. I find it extraordinary that they’ve been given access to the children, presumably because it is in the interest of the children to have that relationship, yet there is no recognition that the children’s needs be met financially.
I think this is a really complicated situation and I wish you luck for the future. Dysfunctional families are painful for all concerned and the damage get reinforced so easily. I’m so sorry they’ve lost their father and I hope you can limit the effects.
Unfortunately it came down to money, as I’m sure it does for most single parents. If I had more money I would have fought and fought them but my barrister advised me that they would get some access so it was best to get in first and get the least possible. I will be watching them like a hawk though and hopefully if I do have to go back to court I’ll be in a better financial position. The magistrate may well not have allowed access but it was a choice I had to make. Incredibly they repeated false allegations in their statement and yet in the same statement said that they thought we would be able to iron out differences in the future for the sake of the children. If that doesn’t show someone being a sandwich short of a picnic I don’t know what does.
From what you've put, I completely get where you're coming from but I've a few questions
- how old are you dc
- what do they know of their dad/grandparents
- what do they want? Ie do they want to go see their dads family or have a sleepover with their grandparents
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