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Child contact

(9 Posts)
MissMaple82 Sun 31-May-20 20:22:10

I'm new so no idea if I'm posting in the correct place. I've come here for some advice, maybe others have gone through similar.

I was in an abusive relationship, it was physical at times but mainly emotionally and psychologically, it affected me deeply and it's taken years for me to recover from.

I had a child 4.5 years ago with him and the relationship came to a very toxic end in the months following the birth. Long story short is, he had little involvement (never lived together) and no contact with his child since child was 13 months old. He is not on the b.c. and we couldn't agree on contact. 18 months after splitting up, and zero contact with his child he applied to the family court for access, but it was a complex case due to the allegations and it dragged on. Six months into it he simply gave up and retracted his request for contact. Around the same time he had just announced he had gotten his new gf pregnant, which I think played a role in him giving up. I simply just got on with me life after that. There's been no involvement or contact since. I had mixed emotions about him giving up on court, in one sense I was relieved, in the other I was heartbroken for my child. I have never denied contact but I had many issues surrounding him and his abilities, along with me not wanting any contact with him.

Last week, 2 years after court he saw me for the first time, with my child and followed us in what was a totally chance opportunity, I ran away so to avoid any conflict or worry to my child, who is totally unaware of him.

Seeing him and knowing he attempted to contact has unsettled me, my question is, do I initiate some form of contact this far down the line, (3.5 years since last contact) and if so how do I even go about it after such a long time, with no back up of the courts or a court order, or do I just leave it be??

Most of my friends are telling me to 100% leave it, but I do struggle with the guilt that my child doesn't know her dad. He isn't a good man, he's no role model, and I know there would be no end problems, but I do believe every child deserves to know it's dad, but I dont want to open up a whole can of worms for myself just as my life is good after 10 years of absolute hell. He is the type to cancel last min, drop out, become verbally abusive and start an fight over contact.

OP’s posts: |
Annaminna Sun 31-May-20 20:50:58

You feel guilty that your daughter doesn't know a bad person who only will hurt her feelings??????
You think she deserves to know her dad and his bad personality? Deserves to have all the hurt and abuse he btings ro her mum?
You feel guilty that she doesn't have currently opportunity to experience the abuse her dad bring to hrr mum.
Surely EVERY child deserves to see her mum being humiliated, shouted, punched, treated badly.
Yep- find him as soin as you can. Your daughter needs to see you being ridiculed by her dad. She will be so happy to learn that her dad is an a***h***.
Go girl!

tooearlyr Sun 31-May-20 20:57:09

Hi op. I understand you feeling conflicted about your child not knowing their father but to be honest if he can go all this time without seeing her she is better off without him. She won't miss someone she doesn't know and when the time comes to talk to her about him when she is older deal with it then. I wouldn't contact him but if he decides to take it back to court and go through with it this time then contact will be built up slowly and you will have the appropriate back up to protect your child and you. Don't let him just waltz back in and make it easy for him. You don't owe him anything.

Spillinteas Sun 31-May-20 21:06:19

Actually children deserve to be around safe adults.

You know this man isn’t. You know this man is unsafe and will mess her head up. Why open that can of worms for her.

Why is this causing you to have a knee jerk reaction? I think deep down your still hurt he walked away and this is not a good emotion to have when your daughters well being is at stake.

Don’t go down this path you know how it will end

MissMaple82 Mon 01-Jun-20 07:15:24

Thanks. Yes I think you're all correct, I will just leave it and carry on with our lives. I suppose wobbly moments are to be expected

OP’s posts: |
Herewegoagain19891 Mon 01-Jun-20 13:20:38

@MissMaple82, continue on with your lives as it is now without this toxic abusive poor excuse of a man in either of your lives. Yes in an ideal world your dc should have a healthy, stable and loving relationship with their dad but this w*nker cannot give them that.. you however have and continue you todo so and you know what that's more than enough.

There will always be wobbly moments, the mum guilt, but you and your dc are happy.. focus on that.

MissMaple82 Mon 01-Jun-20 13:24:15

Thank you guys!! I'm definitely going to drop the guilt. If anyone should have guilt, its him! 🙂

OP’s posts: |
FatherB Tue 02-Jun-20 00:37:55

Keep in mind after this long I think the emphasis is on him to start contact. If he wants to he can go through court, or get a message to you.

If he's changed in the last years then he'd be making the effort, and even IF that happened i'd take it really slow. Courts would probably start with letters I imagine after no contact, and then follow it from there slowly.

That's not to say you have to give contact, i'm just saying he doesn't just get to waltz back in to your lives. You shouldn't feel guilty for protecting your child right now.

MissMaple82 Tue 02-Jun-20 09:37:02

Thanks. That's what I thought FatherB. He knows my address, his family know my address too, anyone of them could write a letter to me, and I have purposely never blocked him on my Facebook out of curiosity to see if he ever messages. That's what I would do in his position. I could handle a letter or text but I can't handle him approaching us in person with such animosity behind us and his unpredictability. That's my concern, if I did initiate contact for him, going by past history I think he would try to bully and argue with me to push the contact to go at his pace not my childs, that was always the problem as to why we couldn't agree on contact. He is very much a, Its his way or no way type of man. Then I'm just back to square one once the arguments and verbal abuse starts up again! That's what's stopping me because I know it's inevitable.

OP’s posts: |

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