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New to all of this lark - contact and finance matters.

(24 Posts)
whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 20:54:27

have name changed just incase XH is reading. I posted about this last week, but H has now stated his contact terms.

we've gone from seeing DS every few weeks on the trot and then not (his job won't always allow him contact every week) to now him saying he wants 2 over night stays per month for one night over. i'm not sure how I feel about this. DS is 18 months old. I have only spent one night apart from him - and that was when he stayed with my mum. XH is asking that I drive a 120 mile round trip to drop DS off on a sat AM and then again on a sunday to pick him up until he gets transport sorted out. I think this is v v unfair - esp as I will currently be getting ££250 p/m on XH's terms not mine I want £325 - XH has £1300 p/m and from that is paying all household bills we have outstanding and also any additoinal debts. until next may when they should all be paid and then from his £1350 by then, he will pay a loan of £280 and me £300, does this seem reasonable or is it too little? - I have no idea about these things. XH says he has looked into CSA and i'd have under £200 from them.

It feels to me he is still trying to control everything I do and think - it's taken a week of me being on my own to realise just how much he had ground me down and controlled things. i'm quite ashamed and pissed off wiht mself really - he's making out things are in DS's best intrests but I am feeling like actually he's manipulating me into thinking that. maybe i'm being paranoid. it just seems he wants everything his own way and I have no say in the matter - am I being too reasonable/accomodating about this? i'm due to move back to our house in about 3/4 weeks in order to aid getting HA housing, otherwise we will be up the creak as it were.

if you do know who I am please email but keep it to yourself.

whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 20:56:27

his pension is also under question as well, but for that I will be seeking specialist legal advice.

macdoodle Fri 14-Sep-07 21:12:36

you would get less from CSA ..

whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 21:17:52

so to agree to take it? he has agreed that every time he has a payrise (annual plus promotion rises) to increase payments by a %age we set and have legal papers drawn up.

i'm disinclined to go to the CSA it doesn't intrest me at all, but by the same notion I have to trust he will stick to his word and pay me. also it has annoiyed me I must admit, the way he's put accross his payments is that he will be suffering to live on the remainder - which I know he won't be it means he won't be able to go drinking every night thou as i'm sure he wants to. angry

aside fromt hat do I sound reasonable in giving him most thing's he asking or not? I want what is best for DS ultimatly.

Freckle Fri 14-Sep-07 21:22:44

The money sounds OK. My sister only gets £400 per month for two children.

Re the contact. There is no way you should be doing both trips. It is not unreasonable to ask you to drop off or collect but no court would order you to do both. I would suggest that you agree to collect. If you drop off, he'll just refuse to return ds stating he has no transport.

whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 21:31:36

hmm, that's a point, in the short term, it's not too much of an issue as when I go back i'll be around the corner from him, but once we move here it will obv be harder.

where will I stand once XH moves himself (job takes him everywhere) if he goes up north (i'm in the south) obv I don't want DS to go up there every other weekend - and that's not because i'm being nasty it's just it's a 4/5 hour trip each way (or more) so surely in that instance XH should come here if he wants to see DS? I have no qualms about them seeing each other, all the time it is in DS's best intrests iycwim - and it would take a lot for me to say no more.

I assumed that we would start off with day trips or something, (as per last week) but to go from that to over night stays in a week sounds a bit much to me - maybe i'm trying to mother DS too much (pfb and all!) as I say thou I have no idea on these matters.

also DH will obv want to take DS at times to see PIL (have agreed PIL can come and see us here - think MIL is keeping me onside so I don't stop her seeing her GS - of course I wouldn't do that either) but how long etc should those trips be? was thinking I could manage a mon-fri or soemthing but not longer - after all he's only 18 months old.

chocolatemummy Fri 14-Sep-07 21:36:44

think thats a lot really, he has to live too, and as a single mum you should get additional help re benefits, tax credits etc etc (if you work that is).
Assuming he needs to pay for somewhere to live that will cost several hundred a month and if he is paying over £200 to you and almost £300 on a loan thats 50% of his income for a start. You would definately get less with CSA

whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 21:42:16

cm - he doesn't have rent or council tax to come out of that the amount quoted is what is his in his pocket. he doesn't have to pay for G&E either those are covered by his land lords. (without giving too much away) so literally it's the loan, Ds's money and telephone/broadband/sky if he chooses to have it.

re the benifits i'm looking into those but keep getting pushed form pillar to post and so far not having much luck - no one can tell me how long I will have to wait, nor what I can expect/actually claim for. tbh it's getting me down.

whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 21:43:04

not currently working - am going back to college hopefully once we're settled into the new house - (assuming i'm accepted onto a course )

olsmum Fri 14-Sep-07 21:48:33

i dont mean this to sound a bit mean but but some men dont pay ANYTHING towards their childrens welbeing (my xp being one of them.)i wouldnt involve the csa as they drag everything out and take ages...and ages..., you will definately get less going through them. you may be better going to the citizens advice bureau and they will run through options with you

whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 22:00:35

I realise that ols. sorry for you XH doesn't seem to understand my worries on this front - it's not that I don't want him to be left with nothing, (honestly! lol) i'm just worried that he will leave us in the lurch no matter how much he says he won't - i'm sure there are loads of dads who say they won't and then do.

does your xp have contact with your LO?

olsmum Fri 14-Sep-07 22:15:12

dont even get me started on him!!! there is a thread on lone parents called "am i being unreasonable", if you are interested, take a look. try not to worry about the money (easier said than done i know) as long as you and your children are happy thats all that really matters, it may just take time to adjust to your new situation. have you thought about a part time job? you only have to work 16hours a week to qualify for working tax credits and it really does make a difference

Aimsmum Fri 14-Sep-07 22:18:36

Message withdrawn

whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 22:21:54

I have yes, considered it - but wasn't sure how things would stand with loss of benifits etc etc. at the mo I don't have the means to pay nursery/CM etc and don't expect them to wait for my finances to be sorted out.

do you know how they work out?

I know this will take some getting used to for one thing i'm worried about is being left on the shelf as it were at the grand old age of 25 - are there any good ones out there still? (not that i'm particually looking for another man but it's in the back of my mind). TBH DS is much happier down here, probably as i'm more relaxed. I have no idea what to tell DS when he's older. i'm sad for all the things H will miss out on with DS but not for the way H is/has been with me. it would be the easy option to go back to him - an option a week ago I would have taken but now i'm not intrested in it.

whirlwind Fri 14-Sep-07 22:23:07

so I either pick benifits or DH's money? basically is the jist of it I can't have both and have an adjusted benifits figure?

olsmum Fri 14-Sep-07 22:33:57

what is it you would like to do at college? i work 16hrs per week, earn about 400 per month and get 450 tax credits (thats including 70% of my childminder costs), i gained a qualification from my local college through my work (qualification was in health and social care- i support people with learning disabilities), it was work based and didnt involve me working any extra to accomodate it (apart from essays etc i had to write up at home-usually once daughter was in bed!)
p.s. you wont get left on the shelf! just enjoy being on your own for a while

Aimsmum Fri 14-Sep-07 22:36:24

Message withdrawn

Tinkerbel5 Sat 15-Sep-07 16:13:15

whirlwind I dont think its your job to ferry your son up to his dad's house for an access visit, if you ex wants to see him then its up to him to do all the leg work, if he doesnt have transport then its not your problem, there are bus/s, trains and planes as alternatives.

As for maintenance, it doesnt matter how many loans he has he will have to pay 15% of his salary, if you get that then IS can top you up, if you get IS first then any maintenance collected after that they will keep and you will benefit £10 of this, if you want childcare then you are better off working 16 hours and claiming CTC and WTC on top.

Surfermum Sat 15-Sep-07 16:21:14

I'd agree, it isn't down to you to do the running around for contact visits, but did he leave you the car when you split up? Is that why he's without transport? If it is, that may be behind his thinking when he's asked if you would do the running around for the contact visits.

whirlwind Sat 15-Sep-07 19:20:58

yes surfer I took the car - it is in my name and I have the log book insurance mot etc all with me so he can't sell it or swop it or anything without me now agreeing it.


ols - I want to do something with computers really, but don't think i'd be able to do it thru any job, so will prob have to go on the slow path then and do a p/t evening course or something.

am - thought that was the jist of it (also from talking to my friend whos going thru something similar - althou she's told me CSA are offering her £325 and her husband is only on £120 p/m more than mine??) but I guess the £300 sounds about right then.

as it stands now I have 2 options as I see it. claim the IS first loose the maintenance. not in my intrest as I will be about £15 p/m better off with maintnance. or leave the set mainenance payments as they are and go to the job centre anyway and prob be told I am unable to claim IS - will I still get the higher CTC thou as they ahve currently stopped all of that - will I be able to get that weekly still?

also once i've moved down here, after rethinking my options - esp as I won't be able to run a house on maintance & CTC alone (will be approx £500 p/m) even with having housing benifits, I will ahve to go back to work - will I be eligable for job seekers at all while i'm here - will be looking to work 16 hours p/w. I don't particually want to do it and leave DS but obv I have to be able to support us both.

also if i'm not claiming IS - and am assuming that they'll decline my request as the maintance payments are over their £59 odd, will I still be eligable for HB? as if not then I will be worse off still as my wages working 16 hours wouldn't cover anywhere to rent around here.

this still feels like such a mess. on the plus thou I went shopping today (on mum blush was nice to buy what I wanted for a change instead of having someone making snide remarks about my choices.) was refreshing after to actually have someone say that looks nice on you v flattering as well.

Tinkerbel5 Sun 16-Sep-07 10:49:38

JSA is the same as IS and is a means test benefit so any monies coming in over the £59 will cancel it out, but you will get housing benefit and possible council tax benefit.

alittleone2 Sun 16-Sep-07 20:58:51

Message withdrawn

Surfermum Sun 16-Sep-07 21:08:44

I don't think he's being that unreasonable to ask whirlwind to do the driving, as she got the car - as long as it is short term. That's a long way for a little one to go on public transport. It does mean that their ds continues to see his Daddy. Obviously once he has a car it's different.

sunshinegirl Sun 16-Sep-07 21:13:08

OMG, this sounds oh so familiar, just been going thru the finances with my H today as we separated last week.

He thinks I'm going to be "loaded" when I get CTC thru angry shock

I have 2 dc's, atm he has agreed to pay £250 p/m but promised more. CSA calculator says he should pay about £260.

I have applied for benefits and they didn't require me to go thru CSA but were happy with a letter from H confirming amount.

WW, I feel for you and sympathise. Your XH is being unreasonable about transport and it's a lot of travelling for an 18m old. I can also totally understand your feelings about being away from him.

Good luck x

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