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Paying but not seeing child?

(18 Posts)
TheHoneyBadger Thu 23-Apr-20 17:16:40

Understand your questioning quarantine. This is part of why I didn't claim child support for several years as I thought if he has to pay he may suddenly decide he wants to see the child whose existence he had ignored up to that point. In my case paying didn't change anything and he has never attempted contact.

Did you put him on the birth certificate?

quarantineishard Tue 21-Apr-20 23:23:33

He also never had unsupervised access because of his manner with our child just incase anyone thinks I left him alone with my baby. He did this while I was present so I was going to have to do something about it but now it's seems I won't have to as he isn't asking to see our child anyway.

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quarantineishard Tue 21-Apr-20 23:20:35

Thanks everyone for your responses. My child's dad seems to know he has to pay as he is in a job where csa could get him easily but seems to be happy not seeing our child at all and playing happy families with his new gf and her children. He wasn't reliable on contact anyway and showed anger towards our child On a few occasions which would have meant me having to either stop contact or sort it through court and and our child is just a baby so doesn't know. I haven't heard a thing from him so I'm hoping this set up continues as it's best all round. Just wondered if that was the case for any other parents or if the dad was more likely to bother in the future because he feels entitled because he "pays".

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megletthesecond Tue 21-Apr-20 21:05:29

Yes. XP has always paid maintenance for a decade but there is zero contact. It's really not a bad thing.
I've known a couple of other LP's who had the same set up and the absent parent never bothered them again.

BeelzebubGoesToBenidorm Tue 21-Apr-20 19:40:46

Ex pays for DC, aged 9, but no contact for 8 years. CM is via attachment of earnings as ex did everything he could to get out of paying.

I won't allow the violent, abusive piece of shit anywhere near DC. He only attempted contact when the relationship broke down initially, and that was just to get at me - he didn't give a shit about DC. No doubt he whines to anyone who'll listen that I'm Evil and Taking All His Money 🙄

TheHoneyBadger Tue 21-Apr-20 19:30:55

Ds is 13 and his father has never met him. I finally applied for child maintenance when ds was 3. He tried to claim ds wasn’t his, dna test soon knocked that lie on the head and cm started. Nearly ten years now of paying and no interest in meeting ds.

Why do you ask?

Kelsoooo Tue 21-Apr-20 18:51:08

He pays and doesn't see her. Hasn't for 9 years. His choice.

Emerald95 Tue 21-Apr-20 18:45:37

My DH doesn't see his DD but pays child support for her. He and ex broke up seven years ago when DD was 4. They were both young and had both cheated and were both crappy to eachother. When they broke up, ex moved in with NM1 (new man 1) and fell pregnant very quick. At the end of her pregnancy with OC1 (other child 1) i met ex. I kept my distance from his daughter but as soon as OC was born ex stopped handing DD over to DH always making up excuses as to why DD couldn't make the visit (had her 1 night a week and E/O weekend). DD would always be off school with a stomache bug on the Friday DH was meant to pick her up from school. DH applied for visitation in court when mediation didn't work. Court was awful, she accused him of everything and even suggested in court another child family member under the age of 7 was sexually abusing DD. Everything was thrown out of court and he was given the contact he had originally had with DD. It cost us around £10,000 In solicitors while she got legal aid (back before the rules were changed on it)

The years go by and things stay bad, every hand over is done in public but ex causes massive arguments in front of DD over the littleist things like saying DD complained her bed cover at ours wasn't a TV show she liked anymore and if we didn't change it DD wouldn't be coming over for the weekend as it was emotionally abusive to make her sleep with bedsheets she didn't like. But ex didn't say this, she screamed it in DHs face the minuet he turned up to pick up DD.

When ex and NM1 broke up a few years later, me and DH had just announced our pregnancy with DS. Ex did not like this one bit. And to top it off OD1 had just been diagnosed with learning difficulties adding to Exs stress.

Ex was back to constantly making excuses about DD being sick all the time but couldn't back it up with doctors reports. In the end the school got involved and notified social services as DDs attendance was down to 70%. Social Services didn't do much, said ex was having a had time and to bare with her.

Around the time our DS was born, DH sent ex a text saying he could only imagin how hard it must be for ex at the minuet and suggested DD stay at our house 3 nights a week during school time and give up our EO weekend with her so DD would definetly get sleep and make it to school on time 3 times a week, also giving ex a break to deal with her OD1. Ex went mental.

We couldn't prove it was her, but suspect it was Ex who would call NSPCC and crime stoppers, claiming DH was abused, I was beaten up by DH and our house was c9vered in drugs and needles. At the worst, the police came to do an emergancy welfare check 4 times in one week. They knew it was fake but they had to check every time. Someone also poured paint thinner on DHs car, smashed our windows and made fake reports about me to my work. Nothing could be proven but we knew it Ex taking her frustration out over her break up with OM1 on us.

DD was a mess of anxiety at every drop off and pick up. She would cry and get so worked up because she knew her mum would be mad about something and cause a scene. It broke my heart for her.

DH applied for mediation again to see what could be done to make things easier for DD. This is when shit really went south. Ex made an accusation to the police about DH that was serious enough he got dragged out of the house and arrested early hours of the morning. He did an interview and was released on bail with the condition he didn't contact or go near ex so no drop offs or pick ups could be done and he didn't DD for months until the police cleared him of the accusation. The police refused to investigate ex for making a false claim saying she was under distress from everything going on in her life.

Ex moved house, changed her number and moved DD school in the 2 months DH was on bail for. DH wrote a letter to Exs parents, begging them to help DH see DD. We got no response but a few days later Exs NM2 beat DH up outside his work late at night. Police arrested NM2 but didn't charge him for lack of evidence (NM2 said DH started the argument but DH didn't even know who NM2 was until after his arrest)

Me and ex sat down and talked. I said I refused to spend £1000s we didn't have to go back to court for ex to call social services all the time, make fake reports at my work which legally had to be investigated and have DHs life in danger. DH agreed. I see DD a lot with NM4 doing their shopping at the local supermarket and DD always waves to me (NM3 doesn't know who I am it would seem) i hope shes happier now she isn't dealing with her mum's drama towards her dad but I know not seeing her dad and living with the 4th man her mum's moved in since DH and Exs broke up isn't ideal at all for her.

Ultamitly DS was in danger of a mega fucked up childhood were I would lose my job from false allegations, ex would be in constant danger from Exs new men beating him up and social services keep coming round to investigate false claims.

DH pays childsupport as a minimum and would love to see his DD again but we all fear ex and her drama so will wait till DD is older to reach out to her. DH isn't perfect at all and I'm sure DD would have a better time living with us but the courts could only see Ex as someone struggling with OD1s problems and putting support in place for her instead of asking what was best for DD.

Not all men who walk away don't care

maginachevalier Tue 21-Apr-20 10:09:03

Mine has paid since DS was a baby but has never physically seen him . Just on video chat last year for a couple of months before deciding it was too much for his family life and hasn't bothered since . Knowing him , he will use that down the line and say at least I paid maintenance.

PatricksRum Tue 21-Apr-20 06:03:16

Yes. Pays but no contact.

HollyBollyBooBoo Tue 21-Apr-20 05:36:00

Yep, ExH and DDs father pays maintenance but decided almost 2 years ago not to have any contact with either of us. No explanation, not even his parents understand it.

Stronger76 Tue 21-Apr-20 05:24:06

Mine pays but only sees them twice a year roughly (for last 6 years). I think he thinks he's got the upper hand because every so often I get a tirade of drunken texts stating how everything is my fault, the kids will work it out one day, how could I move away etc etc. I've only ever denied contact once for a holiday (years ago, just when he started missing the odd few weekends) so he's not got a leg to stand on. Minimum financial obligation done, zero input otherwise.

HeyAssbutt Sun 19-Apr-20 16:35:52

Ex hasn't seen dd since she was 6 months old, dd now nearly 5. He started paying in January saying he had a full time job and wanted to contribute. I'm happy taking his money but he isn't having any contact until dd is 16 (he was charged with downloading indecent images of children)

Historyofeverything1 Sun 19-Apr-20 16:31:03

No cm for 14 years (ds 15).
Has never looked after him /occasionally visited till about aged 2.

PumpkinP Sun 19-Apr-20 16:00:01

Haha no! I wish I could get cm, he doesn’t see them OR pay for them, I kinda think at least if he paid for them it would be something but nope not a penny, cms says he doesn’t have to either 🤦‍♀️

unicornsarereal72 Sun 19-Apr-20 15:46:51

Sounds like the perfect combination.

I'm sure when your child is older the absent parent will stand there and justify their shitness by saying well I paid my child support.

I like many others haven't seen a penny and have to be in-ore of their great parenting when they manage their one over night a month.

midnightstar66 Sun 19-Apr-20 14:41:07

No, mine sees them but doesn't pay lol. There will be various combinations of situation, but they should be paying regardless of contact. One doesn't dictate the other

quarantineishard Sun 19-Apr-20 14:35:42

Does anyone else's ex pay for your child/children but not see them?

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