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How many chances for a father?

(15 Posts)
Marshmallow26 Sat 21-Mar-20 22:06:42

Hi all, just need some advice on how long I should keep giving my ex chances to see his daughter.
She is almost 8 months old and he has let her down pretty much since a week after she was born.. In and out of her life.
Long story short, I ended the relationship officially around 3 months ago and since then he has seen her probably 4-5 times.. And in the last month he has seen her for 15minutes once... He has said twice this week he's coming to chat, discuss access and maintenance etc and just hasn't turned up.

How many chances to I give him to let her down, this is easily the 20th time he's done this since birth... I want my daughter to know I did everything I could for her to have a relationship with her dad.
He didn't turn up this evening, then because I'm annoyed he said I'm being awkward and argumentative, can he come tomorrow... I obviously said no. Its constant let downs and empty promises

Sorry for the essay I just know there's a million mum's who have gone through this that could help! Thanks xx

OP’s posts: |
Relaxing2 Sat 21-Mar-20 22:29:56

Personally no I wouldn't he can't keep a commitment to her then sorry I wouldn't I had this I few times with my child and it's not nice seeing them crying at the window waiting for the dad and he's not coming they don't realise how hurtful it is and then when you stop them seeing them your the bad mum your nasty ect why can't you be civil I've heard it all before hunny you do what's best by your children and what you kno what's right by your heart

carly2803 Sun 22-Mar-20 11:35:31

block him. if hes serious you will get a letter for mediation.

id tell him you can have contact on x day, if you do not turn up you will get more chances

then block.

carly2803 Sun 22-Mar-20 11:35:58

*nomore chances!!

unicornsarereal72 Sun 22-Mar-20 16:05:25

None. You can't make him step up you can't make him a good father.

He is responsible for his actions. I would send an e mail. Saying he is welcome to contact you anytime to arrange seeing his daughter, but You will no longer instigate this on his behalf.

Money through the CSA

And get on with your life. If he is going to be a dead beat dad it is better for you both that he drops out now rather than further down the line and your daughter is more aware.

Marshmallow26 Sun 22-Mar-20 20:08:39

I stopped instigating contact a while ago, he let's her down when he says he will come round.. Crazy!
I think you're both right.. Let him make the effort and I should cut contact.. Its no good for me or baby

Already gone through the csa, unfortunately that's fallen extremely short as he's self employed and obviously not declaring his wages properly

OP’s posts: |
unicornsarereal72 Sun 22-Mar-20 20:23:33

@Marshmallow26 you have to do what is best for you and your dd. And being let down like this will impact upon her mental well being. And consequently yours. My dd is 7. And her father has gone through a period of not turning up. The fall out of awful. And I have to absorb it and help her feel safe and loved. My eldest has gone no contact his own choice.

Yeah mine also went self employed. I now expect nothing and we get by. It isn't easy but we have enough. If I ever see a penny it will be a bonus.

Marshmallow26 Mon 23-Mar-20 00:09:04

Part of me doesn't even want his money, anything I get is going into a savings acc and I will only buy things like clothes if needed, anything left will be all hers.

Now she's young it's not having an effect but it's only a matter of time.. I just want to know I did my absolute best for her.
I have a son, with another man and I've NEVER cut contact, we are great friends and he is always there when my son needs anything.. So I suppose that shows its not in my nature to cut a father off without good reason.

OP’s posts: |
Annamaria14 Tue 14-Apr-20 13:17:58

Did you ask the child what she wants to do? You don't speak for her

Crocky Tue 14-Apr-20 13:28:58

The child in question is 8 months old. I’m not sure she has the vocab yet Annamaria14 😃

Annamaria14 Tue 14-Apr-20 13:34:02

Ah 8 months, I misread it as 8 years smile.

slipperywhensparticus Tue 14-Apr-20 13:35:44

Tell him to email his suggestions for visitation and child maintenance

Marshmallow26 Tue 14-Apr-20 17:14:40

It's been some weeks since I wrote this and he still hasn't seen her.
I've cancelled child maintenance and cut contact.
I've no interest in making any effort now.
I offered on numerous occasions for him to visit and he ignores the messages and switches off his phone.
I think I'm fighting a losing battle and for my daughter I think this is the best thing for her loving forward.

Also out of curiosity, if she were 8..and her dad wasn't showing up, ignoring texts calls etc.. How would asking her help?

OP’s posts: |
Starlightstarbright1 Wed 15-Apr-20 19:53:11

I wouldn’t of cancelled the child maintenance it can run on . I get £7 a week from my ex . I think it reminds him he has a ds ( although he has no contact)

Nothing you can do. I would focus on your future

Marshmallow26 Wed 15-Apr-20 20:22:09

I had to cancel it for many reasons.
Already owes 2 weeks and making up excuses, csa won't chase it because of covid 19.
He will withold it as long as possible and then pay when I report it unpaid.
Not really worth the stress for £9 per week.
He says he's not working when he is. I will have years of this, I'm not letting him have the hold over us.

He doesn't want anything to do with her so I'd rather have nothing from him.. He has my bank details, if he really cares, money will go in my bank regardless (I don't hold out any hope for that)
I'm just no longer going to force it..

OP’s posts: |

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