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ok officially a single mum and due next week

(52 Posts)
hayley2u Wed 05-Sep-07 15:54:18

hi all,advice please. me and my partner (X)have had a quite volitile relationship. we split about two weeks ago as i thought he might be cheating, i still not sure. then since then we have had major problems.i have recently had to have two trips to hospital as me and baby been very porly.the first time he found out the second night i was in after lots of texts and phone calls. then this weekend i was back in again and this time he actually got the messages then turned his phone off and has not bothered with us at all. with all this i am due for c section on wed and have agreed to let him be there for me, but after this weekend eppisode i tld him to do one as he shown that he dont care. yesterday i asked him his feeling on being at birth and he told me he could not stand being in same room as me and it was stupid being there for birth. i was pretty hurt by that. then today he tells me he is not bothering booking time of work as there is no point him being off now.he works away which means he would not meet his daughter till she s at least 3 days old. i'm heartbroken at this who can treat there children so bad. does anyone have any advice were to go from here

hayley2u Wed 05-Sep-07 16:03:30

also do i put him on birth cert. i have never wanted to stop him seeing baby but he s acting like he dont even want her.he s been abusive to me in past

TigerFeet Wed 05-Sep-07 16:13:04

I would put him on the birth certificate - I don't think you will be able to claim any financial support from him if you don't.

Sorry you are going through this

Kewcumber Wed 05-Sep-07 16:17:06

I don;t think you can put him on the birth certificate wihtout his agreement.

flightattendant Wed 05-Sep-07 16:19:22

Tiger, no, sorry that's not correct smile It makes no difference at all to the financial side.
It also gives him rights he would otherwise have to fight for.
These can be given to him later if she likes, but not taken away iyswim...don't do it!

MascaraOHara Wed 05-Sep-07 16:27:43

Agree with FA

expatinscotland Wed 05-Sep-07 16:28:42

Agree w/FA. Don't put him on it.

Peachy Wed 05-Sep-07 16:30:23

I think he has to attend the registration to be on the certificate anyhow (certainly used to be)

LIZS Wed 05-Sep-07 16:30:45

He has to come with you to be out on birth certificate if you're not married.

beller Wed 05-Sep-07 16:31:24

Hi Hayley,

Im in sort of a similar situation, although my x hasnt been abusive, just left me when pregnant. I am still deciding what to do abotu the birth certificate, but financial and parental rights are two different issues. This link might help
Flightattendant is correct as in you can give him parental rights later on if you wish, but once his name is on the birth certificate you cant take it back?
Really feel for you, is there osmeone else that can be there fo ryou? Family , a friend? I really dont know whether my x is going to see my lo at all....but thats something ill face and the way he has acted, i think we are both better off without him.
Here to chat whenever xx

beller Wed 05-Sep-07 16:33:51

The father does not have to be there to be put on the birth certificate, my firend has just registered her childs birth?

Peachy Wed 05-Sep-07 16:40:50

Solihull council Website (same applies on the renfrewshire one in case you are Scottish):

Either parent may register the birth if the parents are married at the time of the birth and the father's/mother's details can be included in the birth entry in his/her absence.

If the parents are not married at the time of the birth only the mother can register the birth alone. If the father's details are to be included in the birth entry, then both parents should attend together.

If the father wishes to have his details included but is unable to attend with the mother, a Statutory Declaration Of Acknowledgement of Parentage from, must be signed in the presence in the a solicitor and returned for the appointment, this form can be obtained from the Registers Office.

An unmarried father who registers the birth of his child jointly with the child's natural mother, and has his name recorded on the birth registration form, will for children born on or after 15th April 2002, acquire parental responsibilities.

Unmarried fathers who do not jointly register their child's birth will not have parental responsibilities, though the law states they will have to help pay for the child's up bringing.

beller Wed 05-Sep-07 16:45:49

oops i might be wrong? maybe she had a letter form him?

flightattendant Wed 05-Sep-07 17:18:25

Thanks Peachy, that makes it all clearer, I remember now, I could have added the father's name but only if I'd dragged the g*t along with me...and that wasn't going to happen! grin

hayley2u Thu 06-Sep-07 08:43:45

yer thats the problem i dont want him to have parental right s but at same time is it really fair on my daughter not to have him on birth cert. can you not put him on with no rights, i suppose not. goodness what a mess.
i feel he s already let her down and she aint even born yet, so i dont want him thinking he can start calling shots. i hate him so much. iv moved i with my dad at the moment until i do find somewhere else. my family have been great too and prob hate the b**rd just as much as me.

Alambil Thu 06-Sep-07 09:06:01

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't do it - ESPECIALLY if he has been abusive. My abusive ex can control whether I emigrate, go on long holidays, what school I send my child to (who he hasn't seen since he was 1) .... the list goes on... PLEASE don't do it!

Just cos he isn't on there doesn't mean your little baby can't get to know him if she wants to - you know his name, that's all she'll need to know

The rights these men get (and by that I mean abusive ones) is astounding - the PR means they STILL have control over us, even if they NEVER see the kids - it really isn't worth it

Congratulations on being pregnant - take care, take it easy and try to look forward. Have you got any other kids? (I have one - he is aged 4)

flightattendant Thu 06-Sep-07 11:36:58

Hayley, I know what you mean about the stigma that used to be attached to children without a named was seen as meaning their mum had slept around out of wedlock etc. That isn't the case...nowadays it's mostly seen as a brave mum trying to go it alone for the sake of her child(ren) and carries no stigma at all smile

beller Thu 06-Sep-07 12:35:56

thats what i was worried about too flightattendant blush definately not the case..but like its ben said...we know the name, and wouldnt stop them seeing them if they deserve it! x

hayley2u Thu 06-Sep-07 15:44:08

yer i have a another son from previous relationship, so at moment i'm feeling very down about having 2 kids to 2 different dads, but sure ill get over it. just cant get over how awful he treating us. especially baby. she ll be here on tuesday.luckily i have such a good family who have promised to help me out, they did with other lo but this one wont have its other grand parents as they live in ireland, so thats pretty sad too.

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House Thu 06-Sep-07 15:49:03

i would say dont put him on the birth cert. for all the reasons mentioned below, andthe fact he would have to be there when you registered the birth too, which could be awkward for you at a really emotional time.

hayley2u Thu 06-Sep-07 16:03:47

i know why dont they be idiots 9 months ago when no baby involved.sems so unfair. his mum text me just before saying she heard of his sister i am having section on wed. taking it he never even told his mum then she due this wed. i was pretty nice to her and said id get my brother to send her pictures through email, after all it not her fault her son is a compklete demon. i di text him today and said if he will want to see her he could try mediation but suprise nothing back. why do i end up with the biggest idiots ever

flightattendant Thu 06-Sep-07 21:56:17

Hayley, I too have an older son by a different man...this time was meant to be so different, but alas daddy number 2 turned out to be a horrible person as well. People keep saying they think I 'wanted' to do it all by myself...if they could see what it was like being pregnant and alone with a toddler, they wouldn't be so stupid sad

I really feel for you...but it CAN be done and keep your chin up xx

hayley2u Thu 06-Sep-07 22:21:28

thanks flight attendant. its nice to no i'm not the only one out there. we started of so excited, still not heard from him and going in on wed for c mum coming with me now,and dreading sitting on the ward with all the people sitting there with there partners and me on my own, i'll just wanna come home as i know it ll depress me big time

beller Fri 07-Sep-07 08:53:32

Good luck Hayley, Im here too if you want to talk..Havnt heard from x either, was supposed to come round last monday to give me money he owed and chat..nothing..not even text or call to say he couldnt make it....
We really must review our taste in men eh ?! hmm
Really feel for you , im sure your mum will be a tower of strength xxx

Chattyhan Fri 07-Sep-07 09:11:00

Hi Hayley - sorry you're going through this. I've been going through a rough patch this pregnancy with DP and at 23wks he was thinking of leaving me and DS (2.9) but for the moment we are struggling on and doing our best to sort things out. I'm due on the 16th sept and i'm really not sure if there's a future for us but right now he's standing up to being a dad and thats the main thing. Just wanted to say i'm thinking of you and understand this must be hard for you. I'm pleased your family are being supportive and i hope you and DC find the happiness you deserve.

I echo what others have said about the birth certificate - you can always add him on but you can't take him off.

Hope the c-section goes well and i look forward to hearing your news xx

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