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Needing support to stay away from my abusive ex and learn to be a single parent

(5 Posts)
fullofteandneedstopee Fri 21-Feb-20 15:02:26

I moved out of my home and left my abusive partner last feb and went into a refuge, I finally moved into a home for me and my two children in the October and i'm still struggling with being alone. I'm still in contact with my ex and when I don't have the kids (children are not his) I go to his house (he's not welcome in mine or around my children). I only see him as i'm lonely and do not love, trust or respect him. I need to learn to be stronger on my own and figure out how to manage the weekends the kids are with their dad. I need support and a handhold and don't want to be criticised, as I know I want out, but end up still in contact with him. I know there is a trauma bond there, I have counselling, I've done freedom, I watch youtube vids on narcs. I am honestly trying my hardest to cut him out for good and I think loneliness at weekends is part of the issue.

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everybodyshowlove2020 Fri 21-Feb-20 16:33:20

You need to live your life. Do things that you want and enjoy with a positive mind.

It's your life too.

So when I'm alone on my own, I fill it with mini projects, pamper myself, read, plan what I want to do for the summer, have a lazy day in bed.
So even though I'm alone it's my choice and how I fill it too.

You don't have to spend a lot either but you have to live for you because your ex is a dick and there are so many other guys out there that are dicks too.
So enjoy your own company.
I know it's not easy

fullofteandneedstopee Mon 24-Feb-20 09:19:47

I did spend the weekend with him and it was nice, but I know it has to end and this has to be the week I do it. I hate what he's turned me into.

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user12674246853 Mon 24-Feb-20 09:36:35

I think the key will probably be filling your time with other things and distracting yourself when your feelings are intense to give them a chance to ease. It's not just breaking the habit of turning to him when your feelings are difficult but replacing that with different coping strategies.

Are you saying you've decided to cut this contact now? Because that does have to be the first step, I don't think trying to do it gradually will work and as long as you keep seeing him you're reinforcing all the feelings keeping you tied to him.

Would you find a diary to record your progress and write down positives (however small) from each day helpful? It might be good for you to have written evidence that you are managing. "Today I got out of bed even though it felt impossible" is a positive, as is "I turned my phone off instead of contacting him" or whatever.

What distractions do you have at the moment? Especially when you're feeling low/upset/vulnerable?

Little craft projects can be good because they make you feel you've achieved something. Trying a new recipe each week or just compiling recipes to try. Researching a topic online. There are free apps for crosswords, sudoku, wordsearches, colouring... Virtual pet apps (some more irritating than others!)

It's not about viewing the distractions as how your life will be forever but having a list of lots of different short activities you can do to break your day up and then picking which ones to do in difficult times. Once you've broken out of this trap he has you in then you'll progress to bring able to fill your time with other things and friendships.

Maybe you could write a letter to yourself reminding yourself why you need to break free of him, how doing so will benefit you, and some of the hopes for your future you'll be able to one day pursue if you can finally break free of him? Plus encouragement and kindness to yourself recognising how difficult this is but that you're doing a brave thing, and this is what you can do to help... <list of your distractions or self soothing or journalling>.

You've done really well to get to this point, so I really believe you can take this next step.

fullofteandneedstopee Mon 24-Feb-20 14:38:25

They are all really great ideas and something I am going to try to do. I got some DIY bits delivered yesterday as I want to do a few bits around the home as it's a distraction and also an achievement in one.

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