This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Where do I go from here? Getting my daughters dad to take access seriously.(9 Posts)
I have a 14month old daughter who I am raising alone. Currently going through a divorce as my ex cheated whilst I was pregnant. Since this has happened I have actively tried to get my ex to see his daughter, have never put any barriers in the way of access and havent made the cheating an issue. For the first 6 months he hardly saw her, doesnt pay regular maintenance. After the 6 months his main effort was trying to get me back and not to see his daughter. He has harassed myself, threatened revenge porn etc, it hasnt been easy. Still I have been trying to encourage access as I want my daughter to have a healthy relationship with her father.
As she doesnt have a bond with him and he was seeing her so irregularly, before Christmas I told him he had to see her more to form the bond, little and often and we would build it up. He has bailed on weekends he was supposed to see her for lads holidays, sore throats etc. We are at the point where I try and arrange dates for him to see her and he doesnt reply, then he messages mid week saying he wants to see her (it is supervised as my daughter doesn't know him so I am there every time. Drive her to see him and cancel my plans and give my time) recently he was supposed to be extending the time with her. Every time this hasnt happened! Once he had arranged a date and said he couldnt see her longer because of this, the next time he wanted to go to a shopping outlet. I'm fed up and at the end of my tether. He said his mum wants to come and see her when it's his time with her when I replied he only sees her for 2hrs, he was then more than willing to extend the time because his mum would be there, but isnt bothered and doesnt make the time when he sees her alone!! I feel like he only sees her so he can tell people he has, all for appearances.
Where do I go from here? I am at the point that he will not be able to see her on his own as he doesnt make the effort. When I try and teach him her routines or what she likes, even how to collapse the pram, he is rude and horrible to me. The solicitor has suggested a contact centre but I dont see why I should put my daughter through the stress of more strangers etc when its him who cannot be bothered. Has anybody any experience with contact centres?
Please suggest something because other than telling him he can just arrange everything through my solicitor and blocking him (have already blocked him from everything bar normal messages because of the harrassment) I am at a loss! He doesnt respect me as her mother and my mental health us being effected now. He has put her on social media after we had agreed even when we were together that this would not happen, there is no respect at all and I dont know what to do!
Any advice would be helpful and thankyou if you have read this!!
Don’t bother. Just don’t bother.
Call CMS for maintenance, arrange an outing his your DD’s GPS, but do my bother with him.
Advice - don't bother. He clearly has no interest in a relationship with her. I know you lover her to have fulfilling healthy relationships with both parents but it's not going to happen. The sooner you realise this the better for your dd - otherwise you're setting her up for years of disappointment.
Advice 2: CMS today.
I ageee that you might be setting her up for disappointment when she’s older and more aware. Leave it. He’s appallingly unreliable and self-centred.
But make sure he pays up! Contact CMS.
Thankyou. Even through CMS he has said he will only declare he earns 12k (he has set himself up as a Ltd company and does his for tax). So I would get a fraction of what he is supposed to pay and then I would have to appeal it. It all makes me so angry!!
You want your dd to have a healthy relationship with a decent father, but she's not going to get it with this man. I'd stop running around after him - if he wants to see her he will have to arrange a contact centre himself (he won't though, will he).
Honestly you’re flogging a dead horse here!
I had a very similar experience with my ex.
Years of heartache and court hearings etc.
With the benefit of hindsight and seeing how it’s affected dd, I now wish I’d just backed off, and let him disappear from dds life.
It would have been much better for dd in the long term.
Your ex clearly isn’t interested in being an involved father and you can’t make him change. It’s heartbreaking I know but it’s even more heartbreaking to witness your preteen child go through the rejection that’s been a long time coming and that she would barely have noticed as a toddler.
I’ve also been involved with other children and their mothers who took the decision not to push and the father withdrew and those children suffered much much less from not having a relationship with a father they barely if at all remember.
Stop chasing him it will do neither you nor your child any favours.
But also don't make it too much of a challenge to him. I made that mistake practically goading him into taking me to court where if I'd just not chased him, but also not put myself out for him including breezily taking dd out for something fun if he was late for contact etc I think it highly likely he'd have just got bored and withdrawn.
Good advice here OP. Spend your energy on your dc not him.
Please login first.