Feeling so lost without DD

[GeekyGirl42]

For the last 4 years, I've been on my own with DD (now 11). I've always says my ex can have her as much as he wants. Until December last year, he took eow and a couple of weeks in the holidays. Now this has changed and my ex has no weekend contact, and takes her for most of the holidays.

That means I've just had 6 weeks of full time with DD, and I'm 2 days into her being with Dad for 10 days.

Now that I've had some breathing space, I'm feeling like my right arm has been cut off. Have never missed my DD as much as I do now. I think being full on for 6 weeks without a break has made it much harder to be without her. Do you have a contact pattern like this? Does it feel odd when DC aren't there?

[OhamIreally]

Hi OP I have the exact same and could have written your post except that we've had this pattern for much longer.
I hate it, it means I have no regular time to myself and then a long period without DD when I miss her terribly.
Ex has DD this week for half term so I've arranged to go away for work- May as well make a virtue out of it. DD has started saying she doesn't want to go and I think it won't be much longer before she stops going.
I have always massively encouraged contact as I grew up without a dad and didn't want that for her. Interestingly as she's older and less hard work he's keener on contact (I think the stress of the toddler years were a large part in ex leaving - he didn't want to do the drudge work).
Does your DD enjoy her time with him or does she miss you?

[GeekyGirl42]

She misses me and was saying over the last few weeks that if he can’t be bothered to see her at the weekends, then she doesn’t want to see him for the holidays. I can see the that their relationship is weakening because he won’t put the effort in. Like you, I want her to have contact with her Dad.

He's currently trying to take me to court because I won't do this round trip, when it's him that moved 200 miles away. I can't help but think that if he really did want to see his daughter, he'd have come and seen her, and not made it all about me and what I'm unable to do. I suspect I'm going to be having some "fun" times ahead with CAFCASS and mediation.

What's made this even worse is that she forgot her house key on Friday (was very upset on Friday morning), so when he collected her from school she was unable to get her things including her phone. I've sent the phone special delivery, as forget me for a minute (and I'm sure she will want to contact me), at that age friends are EVERYTHING. In future I'm making sure I'm working from home on the days he's due to collect her.

I haven't had a chance to speak to her yet, I'm hoping that she's happier up there then she seemed about it all when she left.

[kitk]

Yes OP! I could've written this too. Ex moved 600 miles away so now has DD most of the hols. The worst ones are when he has her over Xmas day and the long summer hols but otherwise you do find some peace with it. Like a PP, I'm working hard this week and trying to plan in some fun stuff to keep myself busy in the evenings. Hope your week goes quickly

[angell84]

You need to put her first. I used to live with my mum and go to my dad (far away) for summer holidays. Every summer Inwas excited to go, and every summer my mother would be making it about her, roaring crying, saying "make aure you send me letters" (pre mobile phones). She put alot of pressure on me. Let the child enjoy herself.

[GeekyGirl42]

@angell84 Did I say I don't put her first? Venting on here and to my friends about how this feels is very different from sharing it with her.

I reckon I do a good job of hiding how I feel given DD needs tonnes of reassurance she isn't "in the way" now she's with me for all the weekends in term time. I recently ended a relationship because of this. My main concern about her not having her phone is that unlike with our childhoods, where we were quite used to not communicating with our friends every day in the holidays, they most definitely are because of her phone.

If she was skipping out the front door when it's time to go to Dad's, I'd have zero reservations about her time with him. I wish that was the case. Instead there's tears and shouting and asking when will she be old enough to decide for herself. In the meantime, behind the scenes, I'm trying to encourage her Dad to listen to her and if necessary work with a professional to strengthen their relationship. Not in my control.