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Ex ignoring my request no to introduce DD to woman he left me for

(22 Posts)
egghead Sat 01-Sep-07 01:48:28

I am totally fed up now - my XP left myself and my daughter in February this year - announcing that he had been having an affair with my "best friend" (um) for 8 months!

He has access to DD but I have requested that he does not let her know the real reason for him leaving (as DD is only just 5 and we told her that Daddy was leaving as sometimes Mummys and Daddys cant live together anymore etc).

She loves seeing him and gets a lot out of her one on one time with him.

I do not want this woman to have anything to do with my DD and feel so upset about it - as he just ignored my feelings and took DD out to tea with her and then home to their house - where the other woman told my DD that she loved her Daddy and they lived together - I am totally PO as it was not even her Daddy who told her this information - but that stupid ...

I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter and wondered whether anyone has had a similar experience - any help?

LadySnotAlot Sat 01-Sep-07 02:04:26

That is high up on the pretty out of order scales.

Eventually your DD will need to form relationships with 'other partners' so to speak, but it should have been on both terms. Especially as he is the one who buggered off. Does he have no tact?

JustBreathexoxo Sat 01-Sep-07 03:09:22

I foresee a few rough times ahead for yourself and perhaps even DD. Your ex and current have made that painstakingly obvious from there complete disreguard of your feelings and wishes for the time being.If you are able at the moment(understanding the angst and disgust your probably feeling right now)Get the two of them alone without DD and exspress to BOTH of them exactly why your not happy with what happened and how you would like to deal with the current situation its a sukky place to be right now and you get angry over being the responsible grown up but you have your DD best interests at heart remember that especially if miss current decides she has a right to voice her opinions.This one meeting alone between the 3 of you could possibly give you alot of insight on how the rest of this difficult time is going to pan out in short you will be able to sort weather miss current is the one pulling the strings or weather she is willing to allow you both some resolution of your own without disrespectfully interfering, keep in mind at some point if their relationship continues that this woman(term used loosely)will be in DD life.Trying to keep your head above water is hard but it gets tiring being so angry all the time so take to heart this:You are the one woman he will compare all others too!

buzzybee Sat 01-Sep-07 04:04:23

I hate to tell you this egghead, but over time your ex is going to be more and more likely to disregard your feelings and wishes and side more and more with his new partner. I was in a similar situation to you 4 years ago (although my DD was only 1 at the time), my ex is still with the new woman, and I still feel very angry that she gets to me a pretend mummy to my DD when she's with him. At the beginning he felt very guilty towards me and was reasonably conciliatory but over time that has faded to almost nothing and now it is "when she's with me, its up to me to decide what she does etc". I try my best to think about what's right for DD (who is now 5 1/2) and I know that means she should spend a fair chunk of time with the ex as for all his faults he's a great Dad. I also try and be reasonably philosophical about it and recognise that there are some things that I just can't change.

My advice would be to try and meet the three of you NOW before patterns start and agree on some ground rules. Maybe even try and work with a councillor and get some things written down. I never believed my ex could be so mean to me as he has been but I was proved wrong.

By the way I am now pregnant with a baby due in December which is something I've decided to do alone as I'm 37 and I want DD to have a sibling. Despite some of the hassles with the ex life feels pretty good and positive for me now and my DD is a very well balanced, happy and bright little girl.

LittleBella Sat 01-Sep-07 07:40:28

Agree with buzzybee I'm afraid as soon as a man stops standing inside pissing out and starts standing outside pissing in, there's nothing you can do about it. He can do whatever he wants as regards your DD, and if he chooses not to put her welfare first, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

The sooner you recognise that the better, because then you can work within that framework to come to some kind of agreement with your ex about how you are going to deny your adult feelings about each other in order to put your DD's welfare first.

It is a very tall order and it's no wonder so many people have such difficulties with it. But it's something you have to try to do for your DD's sake and for the sake of your own peace of mind - if you continue to expect your ex to take your wishes into account, you'll be driven mad over the next few years. If you recognise you've got no influence over him, you'll find any bizarre or inappropriate behaviour much easier to deal with.

tetti Sat 01-Sep-07 09:06:53

I can totally see wher you're coming from,and I certainly think that no new partners should be introduces to your child at this stage,at least not until you have been separated for at least 1 year.It is not good for your daughter,she needs some time with her dad ONLY,not with the other woman there.
I was recently left by my partner of 13 years and have a daughter the same age as you,and he agreed that when he does meet someone,he will NOT introduce this person to my daughter until he's been seeing the person for at least a year.He said that if any future girlfriends can't take that,then they're not the kind of person that he would want to be with anyway.

Try to have a talk with your ex (if that is possible) and explain that your daughter is still at a very sensitive stage in her development.When she meets her dad she will need some (exclusive) time with him.Then in future maybe he can take his new partner along,but if so try to agree on some "ground rules" first. All the best hun.xx

zippitippitoes Sat 01-Sep-07 09:12:57

i sympathise but think it's just an unrealsitic request and expectation..i would be amazed if someone waited a year to introduce someone..and i don't honestly think that is healthy either

mamazon Sat 01-Sep-07 09:18:09

as raw as this all must be for you it appears your ex has been with this woman for some time and looks like she will be a permenant feature for some time to come.

your daughter is going to know about her being in her father's life sooner or later and it probably is for the best that she meets her early on.

it is wrong of your ex to just disregard your feelings, he should have talked it through with you first.

on this one i think you need to be the bigger person and make an effort to keep everything as civil as you can....as difficult as that will be considering the circumstances.

tetti Sat 01-Sep-07 17:04:49

To reply to zippitippitoes,1 year IS perfectly reasonable,a friend is a childpsychologist and she'd tell you the same thing.Anyone who rushes into into introducing their new partner to their young child is only doing it for selfish reasons,not considering the inpact it WILl have on the child.Speak to anyone at Relate and you'll get the very same answer!

lou33 Sat 01-Sep-07 17:09:05

i think a year is unrealistic,and i dont think it was down to the woman to tell your dd the news about them living together

i dont think there is going to be anything you can do about who she can and cant see when she is with her dad tho, despite how much it might hurt you, sadly

zippitippitoes Sat 01-Sep-07 19:51:13

I'm not syre how you avoid introducing your partner to your children or why you would want to..it seems very odd to me, what are you trying to protect them from or maintain by keeping a relationship from them or preventing a relationship with the child/ren from developing?

it is uncomfortable and family break ups are always hard but i don't think trying to avoid things helps the child/ren in the long run

NAB3 Sat 01-Sep-07 19:52:56

If they last, your DD will have to have a relationship with his partner. I do think he should respect your feelings a bit more though. FGS she is only 5.

LittleBella Sat 01-Sep-07 20:51:24

zippi what you're trying to avoid, is giving your children the idea that relationships between men and women are always temporary and always end with a split. They've already been through one split, putting them through another if at all avoidable, would be horrendous.

I wouldn't introduce any man to my children unless I was reasonably sure he was someone who was going to be a permanent part of my life. I know there are no guarantees, but that's why caution is preferable imo, than over-optimism. Maybe I'm just a pessimist. I wouldn't necessarily say it has to be a year; sometimes adults know for sure much earlier than that, that this person is going to be part of their life for a long time yet. But I think on balance, not introducing your child to your partner, is in the long run not going to do them an awful lot of harm; while introducing them to someone you present as permanent who turns out to be temporary, can be horribly damaging for a child. Which is why I'd go down the caution route.

LittleBella Sat 01-Sep-07 20:51:24

zippi what you're trying to avoid, is giving your children the idea that relationships between men and women are always temporary and always end with a split. They've already been through one split, putting them through another if at all avoidable, would be horrendous.

I wouldn't introduce any man to my children unless I was reasonably sure he was someone who was going to be a permanent part of my life. I know there are no guarantees, but that's why caution is preferable imo, than over-optimism. Maybe I'm just a pessimist. I wouldn't necessarily say it has to be a year; sometimes adults know for sure much earlier than that, that this person is going to be part of their life for a long time yet. But I think on balance, not introducing your child to your partner, is in the long run not going to do them an awful lot of harm; while introducing them to someone you present as permanent who turns out to be temporary, can be horribly damaging for a child. Which is why I'd go down the caution route.

almostmidnight Sat 01-Sep-07 21:04:19

I am in the same boat at the moment and like Tetti I said I wanted (ex to be) dh to wait a year before the other woman got to meet my dd's. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter asked me last week "who's [name of other woman)?". After first trying to claim this was the name of the assistant in the shoe shop dh then claimed they had seen a photo of other woman at his flat. From things my dd has said this week though I wonder whether the other woman was actually there. My oldest dd is almost 3 so I think she still gets things confused but she did tell me the other day "[other woman] said my daddy is really nice".

However, I have to say that a lot of people and friends and family (including dh's family) have agreed that a year is a reasonable amount of time to wait. This also includes my Health Visitor and two GP's I have spoken too. In fact the GP I saw yesterday asked me if I would like a gun to shoot my husband with, and this was from a male GP who couldn't understand why a man leaves his wife and two children age 2 and under for another woman who gets herself pregnant on purpose.

I know I cannot keep other woman away forever but I feel dh should for the moment be respecting my feelings on this as I am the injured party and I believe his solicitor told him the same thing the other day along with a few other things as he suddenly seems to be playing the perfect father. It is a shame it takes someone else to tell him how to behave with his own children.

I sometimes wonder though whether I should just let other woman have contact and see how she copes with two toddlers especially when she has her own baby to see too as well but then knowing my luck she will be mother bloody earth. hmm

newlifenewname Sat 01-Sep-07 21:08:49

I'd feel exactly the same as you. I even feel a little like this over women who aren't 'the one he had the affair with' but really I think it is unrealistic to prevent our dc from having communication with partners of their fathers. My advice would be to keep this between adults only and so long as the other woman treats your dd well then so be it.

tetti Sat 01-Sep-07 21:38:57

Yes,my point is pretty much that if you'd introduce someone new to your child before you're absolutely certain it is indeed a longterm thing,then it'd be very unfair to introduce a new partner to your child.Reason being is that children do get attached to people,and what if that new partner dissapeared after 6 months let's say.Then your child would be going through another loss,and that is really unfair on the child (who'll then might grow thinking that everyone ultimately leaves,and therefor may find it harder as an adult to form lasting relationships,I have seen it happen sooo many times with friends who were introduced to parents new partners all too soon).Some of you may think 1 year is steep,but if you're a parent then your child has to be the main priority ´,right? As parents our actions just don't have immediate consequences,but longterm as well...

mocca Sat 01-Sep-07 21:44:52

Am in same position as you egghead, ex left me in Jan this year and has new girlfriend and my DD spends a good deal of time at her house with them both and her DD. It's been very difficult for me but I'm trying to accept it now as there's nothing I can do about it. I take solace in the fact that his new partner seems a pretty decent and kind woman who genuinely likes my DD. And when DD comes home to me, she seems very happy about the time spent with them. As long as your DD knows that both you and her dad love her that's the main thing and also that the other woman is basically nice (I know you must hate her but for your own sanity you have to put that to one side). If, on the other hand your DD comes home and seems troubled in any way then you need to act but from what you say, she seems OK. Good luck at this toughest of times.

newlifenewname Sat 01-Sep-07 21:48:17

Mocca you are very unselfish, that is a lovely post.

Nightynight Sat 01-Sep-07 22:19:24

It is pretty annoying when your ex starts playing happy families with your children and his new woman. However, if they are not neglecting/being cruel to the children, you just have to bite the bullet and accept it, really.
There are a couple of consolations
1. you are in this for the long term, and if your ex acts like a prat with a new gf every month, or tells your child that they have a new mummy...your child will remember this when they are grown up, and will accord the parent the respect they deserve.
2. you get your revenge when you want to get married again, and watch your ex going through the same pangs.

agnesnitt Mon 10-Sep-07 22:45:12

My ex partner has been banned on pain of never seeing his children again from allowing his bitch to have anything to do with my son and daughter.

He has agreed. Sensible man.


You are the person the children live with, you are their primary caregiver, so it's up to you to dictate the rate at which things move. Tell your ex he and his partner were out of order and that it stops now.



Agnes

clairejo Mon 10-Sep-07 22:57:39

I met my dss 3 months after meeting my partner. I was just introduced as a friend. Dh's ex wife never wanted me to see him either. I have the most fantastic relationship with that little boy 5 years on and I think by meeting him early helped give him stability. I even pick him up from school one day a week and am down as an emergency contact. I must add it was not my dh who had the affair it was his ex wife and he did not want to leave his little boy but was not left with any choice.

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