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50/50 Parenting Schedule

(35 Posts)
NotCombatCarl Sun 19-Jan-20 07:34:41

I'm a father of a 5 year old girl, I have been separated from her mother for over 18 months now and last January we changed from 50/50 to her being at her mums an extra day a week to settle her before school. We're now making arrangements to go back to 50/50 but struggling to decide what is best for our daughter. We're doing alternate weekends (Fri/Sat/Sun Nights) and either: every Mon/Tues with 1 parent and Weds/Thurs with the other, or alternating the 2 nights per week. Essentially either a 5-5-2-2 or a 2-2-3 schedule.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-20 12:27:18

Any reason why you can't do alternate weeks with the other parent taking them out for tea in the middle of the week?

Wishforsnow Sun 19-Jan-20 12:31:42

However you do it it will be really hard for the child being moved back and forth all the time.

carly2803 Sun 19-Jan-20 14:40:46

i agree with wish

i dont believe a child being passed back and to is healthy for her at all

3xcookedchips Mon 20-Jan-20 13:00:41

Whatever schedule, whether its 50/50 or not will mean moving netween houses - the important thing is children know they have a home at both houses and with an established schedule know where they will be.

The reason why 1 week on/ioff may not be suitable is because it means the child is going a whole week without seeing either parent.

Broken 50/50 works better if handovers can be done at school and the days are set...

ioioitsoff Mon 20-Jan-20 13:38:31

I'm not a fan of 50/50 but I think I'd do wed/thu/fri/sat to avoid the Sunday night getting ready if it was absolutely essential. I'd avoid it like the plague though.

NotCombatCarl Mon 20-Jan-20 15:39:54

Ioioitsoff, is there a reason you're not a fan of 50/50?

OP’s posts: |
ioioitsoff Mon 20-Jan-20 15:55:49

Like others have said, it's disruptive for a young child.

managedmis Mon 20-Jan-20 15:56:40

Just do alternate weeks?

purpledingyoverboard Mon 20-Jan-20 15:58:35

If a child is use to it then it causes no issues doing 50/50. A week on and week off is to long for a young child to be away from any parent. Try and do it in blocks if you can 4/5 nights with one parent and then switch.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 Mon 20-Jan-20 16:03:05

I tried this for my children a couple of years ago. It was a logistical nightmare with school letters and event, uniforms etc.
You would have to communicate ALOT with your ex to make it work.
I would advise mon evening-tues-wed-thurs with parent1, fri-sat-sun-Monday morning with parent 2.
Are you proposing this routine swaps each week? It would be better to stick to your days x

Pilot12 Mon 20-Jan-20 16:07:20

Why doesn't the child live with one parent and the other gets every other weekend, half the school holidays and one night during the week.....

FatherB Mon 20-Jan-20 16:20:19

This is the wrong forum to get unbiased views of 50/50 i'm afraid.

The evidence is there to show the positive effects 50/50 has on a child, and if you and mum have already agreed it then good on you! People are avoiding answering your actual question to put forth their own arguments on the topic which is unfair.

I would say try and be flexible until DC has adjusted? If you need something more firm then go for what works best for both parents and then DC will adjust, once you properly get it going consistency will be key. If DC knows x day is with dad and y day is with mum they can prepare for it and adjust easier.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 20-Jan-20 16:23:11

Why doesn't the child live with one parent and the other gets every other weekend, half the school holidays and one night during the week.....

I never understood why any parent would be content with every other weekend and one school night plus half hols. I'd hate to only see my children in this way.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 20-Jan-20 16:23:36

It also means the resident parent bears the brunt of all school prep, homework, weekday clubs etc.

Brakebackcyclebot Mon 20-Jan-20 16:25:27

I don't have a blanket view on 50/50 as it will depend on circumstances but I do think that minimising the number of swap-overs is wise and least disruptive to the child.

I don't buy the "a week is too long to be away from one parent" stuff. In the "usual" scenario of EOW plus a weeknight, the child doesn't see its (usually) father for more than a week at a time on a regular basis. No-one questions that.....

megletthesecond Mon 20-Jan-20 16:27:59

The best for your daughter would be to stay in the same house and bedroom and your and your EXP move back and forth between a nearby 1 bed flat.
50/50 sounds miserable for a child TBH. Constantly packing and unpacking their favourite things.

Brakebackcyclebot Mon 20-Jan-20 16:29:23

50/50 is only disruptive for a young child if the adults around that child believe that and make it so.

My DCs have lived between 2 houses their entire lives. Not quite 50/50, more 60/40. As parents, we communicate, they have learnt skills and remember what stuff needs to be where. They have 2 homes, not one main home and one secondary home that they "visit".

It is entirely possible to do 50/50 care really well and without any detrimental effect to the children.

ElderAve Mon 20-Jan-20 16:32:31

"I never understood why any parent would be content with every other weekend and one school night plus half hols. I'd hate to only see my children in this way"

I think we really need some research on who 50/50 arrangements are best for. I understand why parents like it, but it must be very difficult for children to find any routine or rhythm or even to feel that they have a proper home. Anecdotally (I work with struggling teens) the most traumatic family breakdowns seem to be those where they feel under pressure to make everything "fair" for their parents, even, or perhaps particularly, where everything is outwardly very amicable.

3xcookedchips Mon 20-Jan-20 16:35:16

@Brakebackcyclebot

In the "usual" scenario of EOW plus a weeknight, the child doesn't see its (usually) father for more than a week at a time on a regular basis. No-one questions that.....

Absolutely this arrangement is challenged, except it has been ingrained by the courts as the default unless there significant circumstances that say otherwise

50/50, as others have said works best when BOTH parents make it work - not should it be excluded, just because one parent is against...

Brakebackcyclebot Mon 20-Jan-20 16:52:47

@3xcookedchips - I think we are in agreement?! Did you see my other post?

Mamato2gorgeousboys Mon 20-Jan-20 16:59:34

IMHO, there won’t be any right combination to make 50/50 work that is in the best interests of the child.

I have taught at secondary level for years now and always feel for the dc who have this arrangement. They never seem settled and either have to have 2 of everything or have to pack a bag every few days. As an adult, I would hate to spend 5 days in one house and then 5 days in another. I do completely understand from your point of view that you want to be there for your daughter and not miss out, which is great! However, I’m not convinced it’s best for the child in the long run.

NotCombatCarl Mon 20-Jan-20 17:31:01

Having read all of these, i understand that from my DC's point of view that she may settle better with a set home. When myself and my ex split originally we did 50/50 and the changed to settle her prior to school. This worked well for her but she's expressed recently wanting to do more days with her daddy (I'm a very hands on dad who even had her all by myself for her 2nd week after birth) and i know I'll never be given the chance to have 60/40 or 70/30 in my favour (i don't intend that to sound like I'm thinking about just me and not doing what's best for my daughter)

My ex and I work very hard on being amicable and we have no issues communicating regarding school etc.

But given it will be 50/50 it sounds like set days for her would be best? She's 5 so i believe will understand better (she's already well adjusted to EOW) EVERY Mon/Tues with daddy and EVERY Weds/Thurs with mummy?!?

OP’s posts: |
Brakebackcyclebot Mon 20-Jan-20 17:33:21

My DCs don't have two of everything other than two bedrooms, two homes. They take their school bags to and from school like all other children. They have clothes here and at their dad's. They are settled and happy in both homes.

They do have two parents who have been determined to communicate to make it work despite being divorced. This is what makes the difference.

OP what is your relationship with your ex like? How far apart are your homes?

Brakebackcyclebot Mon 20-Jan-20 17:37:14

OP she needs certainty and an understanding of what it looks like, and parents who talk and keep her at the centre of decisions.

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