How do you move on after separation?

[tetti]

I was very recently left by my partner of 13 years,the father of our 4 year old little girl.It really came out of the blue,me and our daughter had been on holiday to see my family who live abroad(I wanted her to have a great summer before she starts her first year at school),he was staying behind as he had to work.When we got back we were due to look into moving to a bigger flat and more or less had even the furniture pretty much picked out!

Then,like a bolt from the blue he told me that he wanted to separate,that he loved me like a sister but was no longer in love with me.He thought he'd have a terrible time when me and our daughter was away,but he enjoyed it,and actually prefered it that way!
He cried,I cried and our poor daughter didn't know what was going on!
He went out that night and his mate told him not to throw it all away.In the morning he asked me if I thought we could work things out,and I replied yes (as I did think 13 years was too long to just throw in the towel!).It seemed ok,and in the evening we made love,or so I thought.For the next day he said-Last night..I went-Yeah?._Well,last night,he continued trying to find his words-It was only f-ing!That hurt like hell and made me feel like the lowest of low.
I always had him down as the most honest person I had ever met,an allround good guy basically,had never had any reason to believe anything else.I couldn't believe the change in him.Chock wasn't the word...

He started a new job 6 months ago or so,and being a very attractive guy,I wasn't surprised that his new and younger female colleagues took a fancy to him.He told me he'd become close to one of them, that they were strictly friends,but that she had helped him sort out his feelings for me(yeah,right!).He's got a whole new circle of friends sicne he started work there,and I cannot say it's changed him for the better,very obviously!

I feel really peeved at the fact that he's doing this now,just before our daughter is due to start school,and did he have to tell her that as soon as we got back from our holiday,we'd be viweing flats? Did he have to text me while I was away telling me how much he loved and missed me?
I dk,but it feels as if I left one guy and the one I came back to had his body invaded by aliens or sómething,because I just don't get it!? How can someone change so much so fast?

I am not showing any anger towards him as our daughter is the priority here.She mustn't hear a bad word about her dad as I do not want her to end up completely messed up over this.We have told her that we both will always love her,but that daddy and mummy cannot live together anymore because it makes daddy unhappy.But,we added that he will see her at weekends and pop over in the week as well.She is sad,but understands much better than I could have hoped for,and I know I need to stay friends with him for her (but inside I am so hurt,confused and angry!)

He denies he's involved with anyone else,and him leaving me has come as a chock to his longtime friends as well,one of who'm was kind enough to show me he cared by giving me a ring to give me his support.

Has any of you been through a similar kind of situation,and how did you cope?.It feels as if a part of me is gone,and I just can't understand how things can change so quickly?

No warning,nothing.Stunned,gobsmacked,chocked,surreal,all these words pretty much sums up how I'm feeling.

Any advice(on how to move on and cope) is much appreciated:-)

[macdoodle]

So sorry hon I would prepare yourself for the worst - would not surprise me at all if there is an OW flaoting about - stay strong!

[tetti]

Yep! there must be someone who's turned his head(read his good friend,the work colleague!).I simply refuse to believe that a woman hasn't influenced his decision one way or another.Even if he hasn't slpt with someoen else (dk if he has),then he certainly must be attracted to someone for him to just up and leave!.Thing is,if it indeed is another woman,at least then I'd get the reason why left!

[almostmidnight]

Dear Tetti

I really feel for you as I am going exactly through the same thing. We had been married 15 years and have two dd's aged 18 months and almost 3 years. My husband told me about 14 weeks ago he didn't love me "like that" anymore and wanted to leave. We agreed to give it another go but after a couple of weeks I could tell his heart was not in it. At the time he told me there was no-one else but since I have found out there was someone he met through his work and is 13 years his junior.

We seemed to be getting on OK with each other on friendly terms and we even had sex a couple of times although I knew it would not change nothing. I suppose I wanted to see if he was willing to cheat on the other woman. Just afterwards he decided to admit his other woman is actually 12 to 15 weeks pregnant. This unfortunately proves that they were at it before he left me. Personally, I believe she got herself pregnant when we decided to "give it a go" and now he has no choice but to stand by her (she is only 22).

Like you his friends are also very shocked that he could do this, especially to his children, and they are also very upset he has felt he could not talk to them and has also lied to them about the other woman. I am lucky that I am such good friends with my husband's family and they have given me a great deal of support, although the other day he told me I wasn't allowed to talk to them as they are "his family" not mine. They have all told him they are there for both of us. I don't expect them to ever stop loving him for this.

Also when I mentioned the fact he had had sex with me knowing his new girlfriend is pregnant he blatantly denied it all and told me I was disgusting and delusional to say such a thing. I am finding it very hard to trust him at the moment as he has told me so many lies over the last few months. He believes the new girlfriend should be allowed to meet my children now whereas I feel he should wait a year to see if the relationship is going somewhere, which is something a lot of people have agreed with me on. At the moment I don't feel I can trust him to have the children stay with him at his flat his work have rented for him as I believe he may have the other woman there. My daughter asked me "who's (name)" on Sunday. Apparently she saw a photo of her at my husband's flat when he took them there to pick something up, although at first he tried to tell me it was the name of the assistant at the shoeshop. For all I know she could have been there. He was supposed to be staying at my house for the weekend with them whilst I had a weekend away so he must be stupid if he does try to introduce her now.

I am lucky with the army that I have a support network called the Army Welfare Service who I can talk to just as a friendly ear or they can try and give practical advice on moving on etc. I suppose the person to talk to for you might be your doctor or even your Health Visitor. I found out by accident that my locum health visitor was in fact the local lone parent advisor who told me where a lone parent group meets up.

I feel for you as I know what you are going through. Unfortunately it doesn't get any easier for a quite a while, in fact I don't know when I will get over it. We said we were going to stay friends but it has been very hard and we have had some bitter arguments. My husband had a brief affair eight years ago and I still think about that sometimes, although that is something I never threw back in his face as it was in the past and he said he knew that the grass wasn't greener and I thought then we could give it another go and I suppose we did for eight years.

If you want to chat at all then please do email me or chat through here. I hope you can get through this. I have found MumsNet a great help as you get loads of different thoughts and opinions from people who are not too close to the situation but who also understand what you are going through.

Take care of yourself

[turquoisenights]

i am so sorry for you almostmidnight and tetti. all i can say is what a bad luck.
i hope you both move on very quickly and be happy.
one thing i know to move on is to focus on something else which is very hard i know. but i believe it will happen in time.

[KC1]

Hi. Sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. I can only tell you my experience and hope it helps....

I have been separated for almost a year and am going through a divorce at the moment. We were not getting along after the birth of our dd - she's now 15 months - as I had no support and constant criticism from him. It was driving me insane and we argued constantly. We agreed during counselling to separate.

Even though it was a mutual agreement, and the right thing to do under the circumstances, to do it in reality and the consequences of that decision did bring a rollercoaster of emotions.

While I was happy for the peace that it brought, I did feel a loss. It was tough coming to terms with the fact that the family that I envisioned had now been broken. I was overwhelmed and constantly tired from having to do everything myself as a single parent. I felt lonely and depressed at times and I was angry at my ex and a bit jealous that he just simpy carried on with his life without a care in the world while I was stuck with all the parental responsibility.

It took a while but eventually by the time dd was a year, I started to feel better. I'm getting my energy levels back and have begun socialising again. Websites like netmums and mumsnet have been great sources of support as it made me realise that I'm not alone.

I think I took alot on my shoulders alot of the time which didn't help things. So it helps to have a good support system, and not hold your emotions inside. Talk to someone about how you are feeling and try not to isolate yourself. I remember feeling sometimes as though I was burdening some of my friends with my problems, especially as some of them couldn't relate, not having been through something similar themselves. But it really does help to have a sympathetic listening ear so if you have a good friend or two that's willing to listen, it's a real bonus. I've never joined a support group as I haven't had the time but I think it's important to find support wherever you can and other lone parents know what you're going through.

It's also important to take time out for yourself. It's like you have to make a conscious decision to remember who you are and what you're worth as an individual. Get out and interact with people, even if you may not feel like it. You'll feel better once you've done so.

When I think of how I felt when we just separated, I think, wow, I've come a long way. It's tough at the beginning but it does get easier, particularly once you have accepted the situation and start adjusting. Alot of the emotions have subsided and my ex and I are civil to each other, for dd's sake.

And it helped to be strong infront of my ex as he's not responsible for my emotional well being anymore and I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me vulnerable.

Don't worry, there's light at the end of the tunnel, even though you'll have some dark moments before you reach it, I promise

[tetti]

Almostmidnight,

Thank's for your reply.I cannot believe what you had to go through,and the fact that he máde the other woman pregnant,that must have made the pain so much worse for you.He is out of order thinking it's ok for your children to meet his other woman now,it's completely right to do what you suggested,to wait at least 1 year before introducing someone else to the children (or it will really end up confusing and hurting them).

My ex also had a brief affair(with his ex wife who he only was with for 1 year) about 8 years ago too,and I gave him another chance (after that he was as good as gold)
His mum is taking my side in all this,but I've had to tell her to let go of some of the anger she feels towards him so that it doesn't affect our child(the old mother in law can be very outspoken!)

I really do think that it's more than meets the eye to his supposed friendship with his younger colleague(she's probably about 13 years younger than him too,come to think of it).Maybe her attention gave him a real ego boost?

I am starting to feel real anger towards him now,but I know I cannot let on my feelings to my daughter,and that is the hard bit...
yesterday he came back briefly,and when she asked him something he snapped at her(which made me furious!). I can't wait until he moves out now so that I can get on with my life.I do work from home but I want to sort of the taxcredits I'll be entitled to,and I'll also will qualify for some housing benefit,I want to get the ball rolling so that I know I can pay all the bills etc once he's gone,but at the moment I can't do anything (not whilst he'ss till living here,if you can call it that..He stays here for a few nights a week ,where he stays the other nights is anyone's guess!)
Feels like I can't "mourn" the end of the relationship until he's moved out either..

Can't believe how "cold" he's become,like he's just shut of all feelings completely,and I dk how one can do that over just a few weeks(obvíously though,he must have distanced himself from me in his mind quite some time ago in order to act the way he's doing now)
He even told me he feels very positive about the future,great for him!(hmm)

Please feel free to chat to me anytime,it's good to talk to someone who's in the same boat:-)

[almostmidnight]

I have to say Tetti that when I first read your posting I wondered if you were my dh trying to get me to put something incriminating in writing with our stories being so similar. I hope not though.

It is strange how they seem to be able to turn their feelings on and off. I think after I had sex with my dh he thought it would make us friends and I would be happy to agree with anything he said regarding money i.e. he wanted me to pay the bills the following month for him. He got a shock when I said no. He can't get the electric in his new place put into his name while his name is on the bills here. I told him there is no way I am changing the bills over to me until we have signed a formal separation agreement.

He saw his solicitor yesterday afternoon and she told him to carry on paying my bills too. I am not sure if this is to make him look good or because he has to. He sounded very smug on the phone after he had been because he now knows what I am actually entitled to. I have asked him for more because I believe 15 years of marriage and raising our 2 dd's entitles me to more. I can see a fight about to start but then I won't be paying any solicitors fees as I don't work.

I spoke to my doctor today, I was there for another reason, but she was very sympathetic. She said she could give me a very mild sleeping tablet if I was having trouble sleeping but one that would not stop me hearing the girls if they wake. She also asked me to go back in a few weeks just to see how I am getting on. It is nice there are some doctors out there who are interested.

I don't think it is good for you that he is staying there. My husband and I tried that. He even slept in the same bed giving me cuddles!!??!!??

He is going away with work tomorrow for a week and I am looking forward to it. A chance for me to sit back and relax although the weekends can be long but my dh's family try to do things with us if they know I am going to be on my own.

When i was out with my dd1 today she asked where daddy's flat was so I said round the corner but daddy is at work. She then said "did I go there and see (name). she told me my daddy is very nice". Unfortunately I have no idea if the other woman was round there or my daughter has got confused but I feel I can't trust him now to have them on his own, which is hard for me in the end as it means I feel I can't go away when he comes over to have them.

Well, I hope you feel a little stronger today. Speak soon

[tetti]

Oh no,I can definetly guarantee that I'm not your former half:-)

Totally agree it's not good him staying under the same roof,first he slept in the bed,but when he tried to get his wicked way with me I just started to weep.-You think it's a bad idea? he asked.I just told him it'd totally mess with my head.From then he's been sleeping on the sofa(when he is here that is).Even his mum says he should have moved out as soon as we split up,it's just not good,not for me or our child.She must think that as long as he's here,there's still some hope(which it isn't).I just refuse to sleep with him now we've split up as it would hurt me even more once he leaves(although I certainly understand why other women do,I just know I'd break down if I slept with him,knowing that he'd only be doing it for relief,to speak bluntly!,whilst I'd be doing it because I love him,you know...)

You must have it so hard not knowing if the other woman will be around when your children are seeing their dad,he should see them on his own,or it's just not fair on them,or you,not so soon.It would drive me mad too!I told me ex not to dare introduce our daughter to a new woman unless he's been with her for at least a year(the same goes for me)

You know where I am if you need to talk.x

Thank's to KC1,your words were very,very helpful.I can really relate to your story and how you were feeling,as that is how I am feeling now.Reading your comment also makes me think that there just might be a light at the end of the tunnel:-).Thank's.x