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Stuck overseas because of partner

(11 Posts)
Confusedmama1234 Fri 10-Jan-20 11:25:02

Hi mums,

I'm in a massive pickle here. Am originally from UK, had a baby in Australia. Been with partner for 10 years, previously had an amazing relationship (I think?) We travelled a lot and had a lot of fun. Got pregnant unexpectedly last year, and we were really excited for her to be here.

Since having her, relationship has gone totally down hill and I don't think I even love him any more... Some things I see so obviously now I'm wondering what on earth I found attractive about him in the first place? He's an amazing dad, but he has several anger issues and a terrible temper, has never hit me but his anger is so bad, even at work he screams at all his workers too.

I'm at the point now of not being in love with him anymore and dreaming of freedom from him... Thing is I want to move home to uk(with my daughter obviously, ), but since we are currently residing in Australia, I would need his permission to leave, which is unlikely he will give me.

I have no idea what to do, I have no one to turn to, I don't want to tell my parents as if there's nothing they can do they will just worry.

Do I just need to give in to the fact I will basically be held hostage here forever? Or Is it the worst thing in the world to leave without my daughter? I don't want to be here anymore, I'm so far away from friends and family and my partner is not enough anymore. He says I'm being selfish by wanting to leave, but am I really?

Any advice from anyone in a similar situation would be amazing!

OP’s posts: |
smemorata Fri 10-Jan-20 11:28:56

I am sorry you are in this situation. As a mum living abroad I have had friends go through the same and you are right, it is not easy to leave if your partner won't let you. However, reading between the lines, it seems you are contemplating leaving your daughter with her dad. Are you sure that is what you want to do? How old is your daughter? Could you be suffering from PND do you think? In any case, I don't think you're selfish but you need to work out what you actually want and can do. Would you be happy to separate but stay in Australia, for example? If you did leave, would your partner be willing to look after your daughter full time?

Doyoumind Fri 10-Jan-20 11:29:32

My only experience is of leaving an abusive partner within the UK. I think your main option is to leave him but remain in Australia. You will be able to build a new life and new friendships, particularly with other mothers. I would consider that option. Can you afford a break in the UK and then go back and get a new life sorted in Australia?

NooNooMummy Fri 10-Jan-20 11:35:31

Didn’t want to read and run.
Talk, talk, talk to him! It’s not over. And you’re not being selfish.
Obviously, having a baby is a huge change and the initial months and years can feel overwhelming. The support you’re seeking is not unreasonable.
If you can communicate with your partner and if you can find some time to really talk, please try. And talk to those you trust to explore things - no one will be surprised that a new mum, far from home is feeling like this.
That’s my gut feel from what you’ve said. Hoping you can find a way through this.

keyboardwarrior1 Fri 10-Jan-20 11:35:52

You need to consult an Australian lawyer.

There will be a number of factors to take into account when deciding on future residence arrangements for the child. These will be based on what is in the child’s best interests not on what the parents want. Usually it will be in the child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents.

The anger issues you describe are very relevant. Do you have evidence to support what you describe? Can you obtain it? Full time residence with a man who is prone to violent outbursts would be detrimental to your DC.

How long have you been In Australia? How old is your child? Is your partner an Australian citizen? Are you? Is the child? Could you all relocate to UK?

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight Fri 10-Jan-20 11:36:47

Someone used to post about a similar situation, I think she was called DollyDownUnder. I know someone irl who's in the same situation too. You're definitely not alone.
I assume your partner is not at all interested in returning to the UK?

crustycrab Fri 10-Jan-20 11:46:00

Personally I'd rather die than leave my kids so maybe question why you are even considering it. Could you have PND?

Would your partner consider moving to the UK?

Hazelnutlatteplease Fri 10-Jan-20 11:49:19

Persuade him to spend a couple of years in the uk

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening Fri 10-Jan-20 11:54:54

You need to seek legal advice in Aus.
But from what I've seen it's very difficult to sever the parent child relationship.
You will need to justify exactly why your daughter would be better off without her father in her life. And that bar would be incredibly high.

You're living in the misery right now and are probably in fight or flight mode.

What are your employment prospect like?
What is the status of your visa?
What range can you move?
Aus is starting to lean more towards a US framework where the starting basis is 50/50 however it's not set in stone.

Penyu Fri 10-Jan-20 12:09:26

You are in a really hard position. As the UK and Australia are both signatories to the Hague Convention, even if you left with your daughter to the UK, she would probably be returned to Australia, where she is currently resident.
I agree about looking to make a new life, without your partner, in Australia.
Unless he is willing to let his child leave the country with you (and some fathers are) there is very little you will be able to do.
I really feel for you. I have lived expat, and I have seen this scenario before. Not easy for anyone.
You do need to get advice from a lawyer, and unfortunately that will start to add up. Really hope that your can find the strength to move forward and make a new life for yourself and your daughter.

inwood Fri 10-Jan-20 12:38:02

I'm also an ex expat and have seen this play out many times. Could you consider a separate life in Australia. I would consult a local lawyer to figure out exactly what your position is.

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