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I can not understand this, never, never....

(40 Posts)
turquoisenights Tue 28-Aug-07 14:32:11

why men can easily escape their fathership responsibilities?
2 people make a child.
when relationship breaks down, automatically (usually) mother takes all the responsibilities, all the sacrifices as if she brought that child from her own family's home.
why men can escape so easily?
there should be some kind of forcing about that, am i wrong? am i not thinking straight (maybe losing my mind in this school holiday )?
we put ourlives for our children, their fathers can easily deny moving a finger for them.
why is that?
can somebody tell me?

battlestar Tue 28-Aug-07 14:34:40

this was why in the past, marriage was o high a priority. that way, society made sure the bloke held respnsibility for the child he had helped create.
now that we no longer deemit so necessary, we have been trying various other methods of ensureing this responsibilyt is fulfilled. but it will be a long time till anyone finds sa foolproof way of doing this. personally i think it is the fault of the mothers who dont instilll responsibility into their sons from an early age.

battlestar Tue 28-Aug-07 14:35:59

in india, there are banks who only loan money to women. the reason is that women who take out loans, do so to improve the quality of life for their families, and always pay them back. themen unfortunatly have a higher percentage of defaulting, and the loans they take out never seem to benefit their famiies.

FioFio Tue 28-Aug-07 14:37:52

Message withdrawn

battlestar Tue 28-Aug-07 14:39:42

fio, i;m referring to farther back in the past, when their was a huge stigma on illegitimacy.
i think taht was so girls woudlnt end up having kids on their own with no legal recourse to the men. iyswim#

men are twats.

nutcracker Tue 28-Aug-07 14:42:21

This is the one thing I just do not get and it hurts me more than anything else that xp has done.

The way he just doesn't seem to give a toss about kids he once played with, fed, changed their bums, helped them learn to ride their bike etc etc etc

How can he switch of like that, I just don't know and I will never get it.

turquoisenights Tue 28-Aug-07 14:43:34

i think we are not supposed to find reasons for them.
as we take our resposibility, we didnt learn it at home did we? some of it came as instincts.
the animals have instincts as mother and father, some fathers take more responsibilty in their world.

turquoisenights Tue 28-Aug-07 14:46:49

i've put my nice career on hold for how many years, and now he is enjoying his life from woman to woman, drinking, having fun time.
is this fair?

turquoisenights Tue 28-Aug-07 14:47:54

i think there is something seriously wrong with that.....

turquoisenights Tue 28-Aug-07 14:50:10

nutcracker,
my dd's father didn't teach her anything, didn't do anything for her, and i believe there are many like that.
that's unbelievable.

turquoisenights Tue 28-Aug-07 14:54:01

i think they must be forced, to contact, to take responsibility, to share responsibility.
there are many single mums trying to get on alone, and i believe its not easy for them like me.
and as consequence some children dont have male model in front of them, and they cannot be diciplined well.
maybe such fathers should be forced to take some parenting courses, and take their responsibilities.

EscapeFrom Wed 29-Aug-07 00:25:16

the problem with that would be that children would run a very high risk of abuse and neglect if left with men who are not willing to care for them.

I personally feel that men who default on their csa payment or dodge it in any other way should be made to do community service to pay back the benefits the women are forced to claim.

singledadofthree Wed 29-Aug-07 00:33:46

i have an absent parent of an ex who is - would you believe - a woman. have never asked her for a penny, never claimed maintenance off her and never would. she hasnt bought anything for the kids except personal stuff and spends nothing on them. wouldnt have it any other way.

turquoisenights Wed 29-Aug-07 00:38:52

if these men didnt learn to take responsibility when they were children from their families, maybe it should be taught in the schools like other social stuff they learn.

turquoisenights Wed 29-Aug-07 00:42:25

there can be exceptions singledaofthree but this is mostly happening from absent fathers side.

LittleBella Wed 29-Aug-07 06:16:21

I think it's because men are quite good at "compartmentalising" their lives. Maybe something in our socialising process also backs that up, but men are very good at switching off worries, feelings etc. about one area of their lives when they are doing something else.

I think it's a bit harsh to blame their mothers for not instilling responsibility. Once again, we're blaming women for men's behaviour. What about their fathers?

jaynehater Wed 29-Aug-07 06:29:13

Devil's Advocate moment here - my dh has managed to keep regular contact with dsd, loves her to bits, we both do, but for years, whenever his actions irritated ex wife, contact was stopped, no discussion.

When we started going out, she wouldn't allow him access for three months, he had to apply to court to reinstate access. This happened time and again through the first seven years of dsd's life.

DH loved her too much to give up - but maybe occasionally there are well-meaning fathers who just lose hope and haven't the endurance to keep going. I acknowledge there are a majority of feckless careless non-parents - but there are some honourable decent men out there that have been ill-treated by the mothers of their children, and I just wanted to make a post in defence of them. They're not just exceptions to a rule - there's quite a lot of them.


Sorry, this wasn't meant to be a grumpy post in any way <checks caffeine levels.....> it's just a very personal one - DH hated it when people went on about useless fathers, and 'non-resident parents', and would have had dsd live with him in a heartbeat. (Not sure I would now - she's developed into the messiest teenager I've ever encountered.....)

LittleBella Wed 29-Aug-07 07:19:36

Oh I don't know, I think men have a ready made excuse "she won't let me see them".

Yes maybe there are some well meaning fathers who lose hope. But as nearly every single father who doesn't see his kids will tell the world that the reason he doesn't, is because his bitch harpy ex won't let him, it's very difficult to gauge how widespread that problem really is. Let's face it, no-one is going to say "I don't see them because I can't do it on my terms/ I can't be arsed/ I find it too painful/ I suspect that they're better off without me /etc. etc." there can be myriad complex reasons why absent parents don't see children and they're not all bad tbh. Very few absent parents ever admit any other reason for not seeing their children, than that they're not allowed to, because any other reason is socially unacceptable. It has become the standard catch-all excuse which is readily believed without question because that mysogynist image of the bitch bitter ex has become so firmly entrenched in our culture.

But you don't need to play devil's advocate JH, I don't think anyone here assumes the majority of absent fathers can't be bothered to see their children. Just the fathers of some of ours. sad

turquoisenights Wed 29-Aug-07 07:27:27

i agree with you littlebella.

Paddlechick666 Wed 29-Aug-07 13:26:33

my H has seen dd twice in the last 6 months. i've never ever even threatened to withold access but he chooses not to see her. i think, partly, because he is too ashamed to face me. his behaviour since before her birth has been disgraceful on many levels.

he has older kids and his ex routinely witholds access, is abusive, demanding financially and my H is constantly tying himself up in knots over not seeing these kids.

doesn't seem to give a flying &*(£ for our daughter tho. he's too busy feeling sorry for himself and claiming he's suffering from depression.

i agree with the comment that men are more able to compartmentalise their lives and abstain from their parental responsibilities.

i was very much involved with H's older kids and tried to be as good a step-mum as i could until his breakdown when access became sporadic. partly due to his depression and partly due to his ex's actions.

i miss and worry about my skids but it breaks my heart that he can ignore our daughter.

just this week he's been telling me he's getting himself together and wants to resume access to dd. i told him a while ago i'd rather it were nothing than once every twelve weeks.

i am torn now. i've asked him for assurances that this time he will keep to the agreement and he says he can only assure me that he wants to. well, i've heard that before.

the trouble is, without giving him (yet)another chance I won't know will I? and then I run the risk of letting her see him then him disappearing off the face of the universe for 3 months again.

i'm the one who has to deal with all the fallout. from his ex, from his depression and from being left to care, clothe, house and feed her with only the smallest of financial support and no emotional support.

i will never ever understand how anyone can abandon and ignore their own child.

turquoisenights Wed 29-Aug-07 18:21:47

agree Paddlechick666

Elizaveta Thu 30-Aug-07 12:44:24

My parents were married and split up when I was only a baby. This was the early 70s. I remember he was ordered to pay my mum something ridiculously small each week. He never did. I've never met him, I don't know who he is and I have no desire to.

I think your kids with dads like this will grow up and realise that they are better off not knowing them. That's the decision I made and I do not regret it at all. I could probably find him if I wanted to. I know his name, know which part of the country he probably still lives in, but I could care less. I like to think that every now and then he has to wonder where I am, what I did with my life etc.

I am so grateful that my dd's dad is really wonderful even though we split many years ago. He sees her several times during the week, every other weekend (Friday to Monday) and has her almost all the school holidays except the summer. I get along with his new dw. I wish every dad was like my ex-dp. Our kids deserve it.

turquoisenights Thu 30-Aug-07 16:10:48

i am happy for you that your exp is caring for your dd elizaveta.
in my part i feel sorry, as i said he is just busy having fun from woman to woman, drink, get drunk, no asking of my dd, if she needs anything, if she is allright, nothing.
thats very unfair.

turquoisenights Fri 31-Aug-07 08:02:43

bump

flightattendant Tue 04-Sep-07 19:41:35

Paddlechick, reading that I wondered if it was the same bloke as I left last year...so bloody similar. Saying he was 'Depressed' and very involved over his ex and older kids...ashamed to face me I think, as he never showed up to see our baby when he had arranged to. Baby has never seen his father.

I don't want the bastard messing us around though, would rather he stayed away because he was such a tw*t when he used to come here...I hate him with a passion.

Today I got a letter to say that the dss have accepted my reasons for opting out of asking him for child support. I was so thrilled. I know, he ought to pay for his child, but that would mean resurrecting the whole thing and the man is such a tight git that he would see it only as a reason to start harrassing me...he is always fighting his ex over what she spends 'his' money on, and asked me not to name him so he could pay me 'privately' - no way would I let that happen because he only wants another way to control me.

Sometimes, TN it is better this way. That doesn't excuse the man's behaviour or lack of care about his children, but it makes the child's life easier because its mother is not under constant threat of interference and abuse by the idiot smile

Although of course he could change his mind and start on about access at any time. I just pray he doesn't as I think I would freak out sad

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