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Advice on cutting contact with DS's dad

(12 Posts)
Rvrob22 Sat 04-Jan-20 10:04:14

There is a bit of a long back story to this - but I'm looking for some advice.

My DS's father was very emotionally and financially abusive throughout our marriage and I left him when DS was 3 weeks old after he threatened to take him to Tunisia (where he's from) so I left. I went to court for protective orders etc. He never contested me having full custody and asked for 2 hours per week contact, which the courts ordered must be supervised. My dad agreed to supervise and he has done since.

My ex-husband is self-employed and swindles his finances so he pays me less than £10 a week, I've asked for more directly to him and through my local MP but to no avail. I have been travelling about 15 miles round trip for his weekly visits, so I emailed him 2 years ago and said I couldn't afford to keep travelling as the child maintenance didn't even cover our travel, let alone cover the things that I actually needed the money for!

Courts said he needed to go to parenting classes before they even could consider him having unsupervised contact. He lied in court twice that he had been, but it turned out he hadn't. Anyway, he's continued seeing our son for 2 hours once a fortnight, whilst having his luxury holidays and living his life.

Ive just had enough, he doesn't do anywhere near enough for our son and doesn't even try to make it better - like attending parenting classes or doing more build their relationship. I'm now moving even further away from where the supervised contact takes place, and I'm wondering, can I just stop contact? I'm the one who facilitates everything (like I came up with ideas on where contact could take place, my ex husband doesn't care about what our son might like to do). I want to email my ex husband and say that this supervised contact with my dad isn't sustainable, he needs to come up with some better options. I don't want to be the one who stops my son seeing his father, but I really feel I'm the only one putting in the effort here. Advice welcome!

OP’s posts: |
Clangus00 Sat 04-Jan-20 10:33:36

I would say you can’t stop the court ordered contact and that as you’re choosing to move further away (are you aware that dad could stop his son moving if he takes it to court....not that I think he will try?) that you should be responsible for getting your son to contact visits.
I fully understand that he’s an absolute shit of a man & an even worse father. Maybe seek legal advice about returning to court?
Good luck.

slipperywhensparticus Sat 04-Jan-20 20:58:55

I would apply to court I mean honestly does he even care if you dont shlep him over if you are sick one week does he bother at all?

june2007 Sat 04-Jan-20 21:09:28

CAn you go back to court refering the maintanance? I would be reluctant to cut the contact as it,s not about you or him it,s about your child who you have mentioned once in the whole post.

IdiotInDisguise Sat 04-Jan-20 21:57:01

You are not stoping contact if you continue to make your child available.
You can move, nothing stops you from moving unless he gets a prohibited steps order to prevent you to do so. I find it very difficult to believe a judge will force you to travel to enable contact when you don’t have the means for it.

Is there anyway that contact can take place in a contact centre near to where you are going to live? He will need to travel, it is not true that the one who moves has to drive, the one that drives is the one who cares. Simple as that.

Rvrob22 Sun 05-Jan-20 07:24:04

The whole thing is about my child... Your comment is so unhelpful and upsetting. I have always put my child first and continue to do so. I have always done the best for my son including putting everything I can to protect him in place. The point of the above is the courts have decided my son isn't safe with his father, I am saying that I need my son's father to do more for him and step up more. You clearly have no idea that I'm terrified of this man and what he might do to my son, yet I know it is in my son's interest to know his father and have a relationship.

I don't know how to make his father do more for him without me always telling him directly what he needs to do as he only wants to do the bare minimum. If I moved away, I would of course continue to allow him to see our son, but I fear if I say the contact will no longer be supervised by my dad, then he just won't bother to come up with an alternative and will end the contact.

OP’s posts: |
ThighThigh Sun 05-Jan-20 07:34:38

OP could you specify a contact centre near you stating financial problems? For yourself I would let go of the idea that he will do more for your son if you ask. Has asking for help resulted in anything so far?

I wouldn't contact him at all and leave arrangements to the contact centre. Do you have a passport for your son?

IdiotInDisguise Sun 05-Jan-20 07:50:10

I can assure you OP, that those parents who are not bothered disappear if you stop bending yourself backwards to ensure contact takes place, the moment they need to make an effort it just starts dwindling down. If he cares he will drive to see him wherever he is.

Rvrob22 Sun 05-Jan-20 07:59:47

I think you're both right. I'll look for a contact centre. My ex-husband did request we go to one when DS was 6 months old as he didn't want supervised visits with my dad as superviser (he happily told the courts he was going to go 12 weeks without seeing DS whilst we waited for availability, he would rather that than it be my father). I took DS to the sessions, but he screamed so much we had to end them before the time was up. Granted he was 6 months then and is now 3, but it makes me wary. I guess a contact centre does actually offer information on parenting etc should my ex choose to seek it out himself.

My previous attempts at more money, or even more contact (DS has only just relaxed in my ex's company in the last couple of months, I thought it was probably due to not seeing him enough) have been fruitless, ex refuses.

I have my son's British passport. There is a court order in place to stop him applying for a Tunisian passport, but we do know he took all the paperwork across to Tunisia a year ago, despite court orders, and he's refused to tell the court what he did with the paperwork, so I'm not sure if he has a Tunisian passport for him. That adds to my fear of any unsupervised contact. Luckily the courts agree with me!!

OP’s posts: |
LoisLittsLover Sun 05-Jan-20 08:10:28

Use the national association of contact centres, they should be able to advise on facilities near you. There will be a charge though, so you need to think about how you propose it will bd paid - 50/50 split or whether you want your ex to pay it all

ThighThigh Sun 05-Jan-20 08:22:36

You know him, do you think he's interested in your son or in making life difficult for you? If it's the latter then cut his supply to you. It's not necessary.

I've never used a contact centre, i assume they act as the third party in contacting him for arrangements etc?

For yourself, accept that you are alone in this. It's stressful looking for support from someone who is reluctant or unreliable. Just do whatever you are court ordered to and no more. Have you been in touch with Reunite? They have advice for people who's childs other parent is from another country.

Don't prevent contact, just do what the courts have agreed and no more or less.

IdiotInDisguise Sun 05-Jan-20 17:14:58

I strongly suggest getting in touch with Reunite. They provide invaluable country specific advice in preventing children being taken out of the country without authorisation and also send a lot of useful stuff that is worth having just in case he succeeds in disappearing with your child.

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