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Daughter not accepting my new boyfriend(66 Posts)
I have been single for 10 years, mum of two girls age 25 and 22. My youngest daughter and I have been living alone for many years while my eldest was at university and we are more like best friends regularly going on holiday together. I met someone completely unexpectedly 6 months ago and am very happy but my youngest daughter is not happy with him being at the house or being included at family events. I am trying to be strong and insisted that he spent Xmas day with us but she chose to be miserable and did not join in. She asked me to tell him to go home so that we can have a normal family day as we do each year but I didn't want to which led to a massive upset. He eventually went home to avoid any further problems. Am I wrong to stick to my guns?
Well personally I think 6 months is a bit too soon to have invited him for your family Christmas. I'd have spent more time letting my family get to know him with less pressurised meetings. She's an adult of course so it's not like you're introducing vulnerable children to a stranger but still.
6 months is pretty early days for including in family events as significant as Christmas. I think you and your DD both need to compromise a little here.
You probably shouldn't have invited him yet. Too early.
Far too early to have a new bf over for christmas day op.
Far too early. Put your daughters feelings first.
It is pretty early days to try and shoehorn him into a family event but at the same time your DD is an adult who should be more grown up about it.
I don’t think that was fair on her. You could have arranged to see him Boxing Day.
Christmas is a stressful time when people are not themselves. Bit too soon for inviting the new man round. Sorry OP but I think you need to keep your romantic life away from your adult children for a bit longer. They can see him and get to know him in due course. Although they are not wee kids they still love you and want you to themselves a bit longer. They have to accept you need a life too, but Christmas ain’t the time.
I think if was fine to invite your boyfriend. Your daughter is 22 and needs to understand you are a person in your own right as well as her mother.
You've given so much raising your daughters on your own; you are allowed to invite new people into your life and theirs now they are adults.
Would they be able to bring partners of 6 months to your Christmas? If yes then I disagree with other posters. They are adults. You've been single for 10 years... Its hardly like you are jumping around person to person. I know many people who were very serious 6 months into a relationship.
Surely if you like him and he treats you well they should be happy for you.
Sorry, your daughter is 22? If she met a partner I bet she wouldn't be bothered that it was 'only 6 months'. Completely different if your child was still young but she's a grown woman. At her age I was married and heading for divorce with a mortgage and a full time job. I really don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to see your new partner on Christmas Day OP. Christ, how much of our adult lives are we expected to sacrifice?
All of that said, I can understand your daughter's perspective and I suspect all you can do is show her this won't change your feelings for her and there will always be a space for her in your life. In order for both of you to have mature, healthy relationships with others you need to both make room for that to happen. Talk it through with her and give her a chance to tell you what's worrying her about this. Is it the partner himself or is it you just having someone else? I don't think you were unreasonable to have him there but it's important to give her a heads up as to what's happening and hear her concerns. You say you're best friends and how would you treat a friend? You would hear her concerns and thank her for them and reassure but then make your own decisions.
To echo PP: It’s a bit too soon and a stressful time.
The early twenties are a funny age. Some people are still quite like teenagers but in adult attire. I always say there’s a ‘young persons rail card’ phase of life for some. They find it hard to move on and be more selfless.
She’ll get there. Be sensitive.
Wow I disagree with the other posters! She’s an adult ffs not a 5 year old.
6 months is hardly any time at all.
What's the background to you being single? As in, did your daughter lose her dad (literally or effectively)?
At 6 months and her being 22, maybe it'd have been better if he came over for Christmas Eve or something like that. Assuming also she is doesn't have a genuine reason to kick off your daughter is 22, not 2.2 She needs to grow up and appreciate you are a person and not just her mother.
6 months is too early? They are adults not children. I spent Christmas with my now husbands family after dating for 5 months. Admittedly we were young and had no children ourselves but our relationship felt serious in fact it was that new year that we both realised we wanted to spend the test of our lives together.
This is really tricky OP. It's lovely that you've met someone and are happy, but it's a big change for your DD and I think you need to be sensitive to that. When you say she 'chose to be miserable', isn't it fairer to say that she is miserable? She thought you'd always be there for her - she maybe took you for granted to an extent - and suddenly she's feeling lonely and threatened by your new man. I think you need to tread a fine line between being sensitive to her feelings while not pandering to her. Maybe Christmas was a step too far?
I completely disagree with the other posters. She’s 22 not a child! Absolutely fine to invite someone you’ve been seeing for 6 months to Christmas Day! Your dd will have to learn to be polite. If she doesn’t like it she’s an adult and can move out...! You’re entitled to have your own life.
I can understand your daughters point of view but I actually think that she is 22 and she will move on with her life. You are perfectly entitled to host who you like and sound happy. One day your daughters may both be off abroad or with partners so she really needs to stop being self centre .. that said you should still make time for special days together without your partner she misses you
Oh come on, you’ve been single for 10 years, I assume in that time putting your daughters first, they are adults now, it’s time for you again.
I think you need to understand why she doesn’t like him. Does she see any red flags? You see, to be moving quite fast.
I also think bulldozing him into the family Christmas was a mistake. It’s a bit early - Even though she is an adult. Would you have wanted a recent boyfriend of hers to spend all Christmas Day with you? Would she respect your wishes if you said no, or bring him anyway? A few hours in the evening might have been more appropriate.
I appreciate that you are her mother but, as you say, you haven’t had that relationship as it has been one of best friends and now you have inflicted someone she dislikes, and that you have known for six months, into her home and her Christmas.
I know you say you think you were strong to insist he spent Christmas Day with you but I think you were selfish and put your wants and feelings above your daughter’s. Why couldn’t he have visited on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a short amount of time instead?
People generally are far more accepting of those that they do not feel are being inflicted upon them.
How has your new boyfriend been introduced to your DDs before Christmas? It sounds as if she formed an impression before? Have you and he made an effort for he and your DDs to forge some connection? I think building a relationship even between adult children and a new partner takes time and effort on all sides. If you and BF have made that effort and your DD is stropping off, then a compassionate chat about what might be going on for her would be kind. If she refuses to engage then of course you can draw some boundaries - you have a right to a new relationship. But make sure you've all made some effort before anything too stark is set out. Good luck!
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