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AIBU , Christmas with ex

(18 Posts)
introducingmex Sun 22-Dec-19 11:49:07

Hi all my DD is 1. Her father and I have never been together since the day she was born ( separated when pregnant ) but has been in an out of her life for a year. All on his terms when he can be bothered showing up which is a measly hour or so every week ( if he comes ). I had to stop contact taking place in my house as he was showing signs of anger towards DD that I didn't like and to be honest I knew meeting in a public place would be better and that no harm would come to her as contacts always supervised until he changes his attitude so that's what we have been doing for the past few months, anyway I gave him the option to come and see DD on Christmas Day but he said no and either I take her to his house on Boxing Day so ALL his family could see her or he brings ALL his family to mine , basically I had 2 choices so I said no I wasn't bringing her up as to be honest his mother and father haven't bothered in the slightest to visit their grandchild or have any kind of contact with her in 9 months and his whole family would be there which would be overwhelming for my DD as she is just a baby and doesn't actually know any of them. They have always been welcome just shown no interest. And second of all as I didn't have an option to say no I agreed to his mum and dad coming to my house on Boxing Day but I know I'm going to feel uncomfortable in my own house and I know what he is like he will turn up with other family members too. My DD cries enough with him and it's just going to really unsettle her. In his eyes they have a right to see DD at Christmas even if nobody has bothered all year round. AIBU to feel this way? Would you just ride it out and go with the flow or say no?. I've already said to him it's his fault as if he had been a caring daddy with her he would have been able to take DD on her own up to his family's on Boxing Day instead of losing patience with her and making her scream uncontrollably in his presence.

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kitk Sun 22-Dec-19 12:16:56

Parents and grandparents don't have rights. They have responsibilities. And you have a right to be comfortable in your own home. Tell him his parents can pop in for half an hour only as it'll be overwhelming for DD and you're willing to consider the day at his house next year when they have seen her regularly and she's more comfortable with them

GreenTulips Sun 22-Dec-19 12:20:42

Well it won’t get better unless there’s some contact. Give them an hour. Invite some back up with friends or your own family to help.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal Sun 22-Dec-19 13:04:14

Send him that message again. Adding to the bottom that this is the only offer on the table.

He is more than able to begin court proceedings where he can get a formal agreement that he will have to stick to. And be told that you don't have to have anyone you don't want in your home.

PumpkinP Sun 22-Dec-19 15:23:29

Hmm I do think you are being slightly unreasonable, if they don’t get a chance to see her then how will they bond? If they’ve asked and youre saying no then that’s probably why they don’t bother. I think I would be open to it for an hour or so.

introducingmex Sun 22-Dec-19 15:58:33

@PumpkinP they haven't asked at all for months only because it's Christmas it was just brought up. Which is why I'm annoyed because in my opinion they will come Boxing Day then that will be it again for however long. I haven't said no just as a mum this bugs me how they don't show any interest but want a big show at Christmas that's all x

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MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal Sun 22-Dec-19 16:00:16

The Op isn't blocking anything. There is nothing stopping this man going to court having a formal visitation schedule drawn up and then using his own effort to build a bond between his child and his mother.
The OP doesn't need to care at all wether or not this woman sees her child.

introducingmex Sun 22-Dec-19 16:01:07

My DD fathers excuse is why should they have to travel ( which is a 25 min journey and he drives ). This is why they don't see her.

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scotsllb Sun 22-Dec-19 16:17:33

I'd be more concerned about the anger he is displaying that you are worried about. What kind of anger towards a baby do you mean?
If he can't be trusted to keep his temper and behave like a responsible parent I would be looking to a contact centre so you don't have to have him in your home and he's monitored properly

scotsllb Sun 22-Dec-19 16:19:11

Also, someone who can't be unsupervised in contact shouldn't even be calling shots. What help is he giving you?
You are having to go out your way to facilitate him and your not even getting a break. Tell him to jog on with his ideas until he grows up and you are able to trust him

introducingmex Sun 22-Dec-19 16:40:56

@scotsllb , I have thought about that but supervised contact in contact centres are only for a short period of time as far as I'm aware and he is so false and the biggest liar so I've been trying to keep the peace as much as I can. He doesn't do one thing. And by anger he was getting really irritated when DD was crying. This began when she was around 7 months and he would throw the bottle if she wouldn't take it so I stopped letting him feed her and he would tell her to stop that crying but in an angry voice at her face and say to me I can't handle that screaming and storm out the room etc huffing and puffing. Then he would overpower me when I was trying to calm her down and take her off me saying she needs to learn there's nothing wrong with her. He was literally in my house 2 hours a week with her then this started and I was getting more worried about his behaviour so I suggested a public place which has been going ok as he won't do that outside when there are people around.

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introducingmex Sun 22-Dec-19 16:42:46

Also my mum has spoke to him about it but he won't listen to anyone

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lilmishap Sun 22-Dec-19 16:52:48

So they've not bothered all year but think taking over your house at Christmas is a right?
Have his family actually spoken to you? With a history of dishonesty it might be interesting to see what's been said between them.
How would your family feel about turning up en masse at his? See I can't get my head around that bit of it, they'd have to be really dense not to see how this is messed up.

Why can't he take her to see them for a few hours? You know the 'normal' way of doing Xmas. The way that doesn't involve them brigading a strangers house.

lilmishap Sun 22-Dec-19 17:00:51

Scratch that just read about him trying to 'teach' a baby by getting angry and wrestling her away from her mum.
Let them round to yours, have your parents there and inform him any future contact will be after he takes you to court as a result of aggression and inability to parent.

You and DD deserve better than this meathead, you have a responsibility to be her mum and letting this prick bully you is not doing that it's pandering to a bullying arsehole for no-ones benefit.

introducingmex Sun 22-Dec-19 20:48:19

@lilmishap you are right. He is a bully but he is also very sly with it. His family don't know the half of it

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MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal Sun 22-Dec-19 20:50:55

Don't worry about his family. You are a grown woman. You aren't accountable to them. It doesn't matter what they say, what they think and what they do. Just block them and carry on with your life.
The father is the only one you need to communicate with. As long as he's being polite and reasonable.
And you are the one who sets the rules. If he doesn't like it he can go to court.

introducingmex Sun 22-Dec-19 21:04:05

@MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal thank you , you've been really helpful. Hearing someone else's opinion definitely makes me see things a lot clearer x

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scotsllb Tue 24-Dec-19 15:53:17

I think throwing the bottle and storming off in anger at a 7 month old crying is unacceptable and shows he cannot control his temper.
You are right to do the supervised visits but what I mean more with a contact centre is it gives you a break.
It takes it all out your hands. You can go and relax for an hour without even having to lay eyes on him knowing your child is safe and in a controlled environment.
You don't need to be spending your time supervising this man who seems a liar, aggravated and no use to you. Let the authorities do it and have no contact with him

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