Grandparent access

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

Hi

I've posted for advice before but changed username as I worry my ex will see and link my posts.

My ex H and I have an informal agreement that he sees our child every other weekend from fri eve till Sunday late afternoon plus an evening or lunch during each week. He has started demanding that his parents see our child in addition to this arrangement, it's usually late notice or when I cant do but when I say no he becomes very aggressive.

I know grandparents dont have legal rights but I'm starting to wonder if I he can demand this somehow? I think the only thing I can think of is that he could take me to court for more access but then actually give our child to his parents? Does anyone know if that could happen?

[DelphiniumBlue]

Would a compromise be to suggest a time convenient to you when they can see your child? Maybe arrange with in-laws direct so you don't have to deal with ExH?

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

I've tried arranging separately but as things are starting to turn nasty on my ex's part (him towards me) theyve also stopped contact with me.

[Windinmyhair]

Tell him if he wants to renegotiate contact to include extra time to take DC to his parents then you can discuss like grown adults rather than demanding things last minute and having a tantrum when he doesn't get his way?

(i'd word it nicer than that)

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

I shall try to think of a more diplomatic way of saying that .

He cancels his mid week access regularly so I may suggest his parents have our child for that access time each week and he just chips in and sees our child then when he actually can (or can be bothered to), that way it's still a bit of a routine for our little one who is under 2 so needs a bit of a routine IMO.

[Starlight456]

be very careful here . They have no legal rights but can apply for permission to apply for access if established contact

I would be telling him he arranges it in his contact time.

An under 2 does not need lone time with grandparents.

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

@Starlight456 , do you mean if I start arranging access with them now then they can apply to the court to continue that so its best I dont arrange access now? Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

I want their access to be within his own access, I feel it would be less upheaval and dragging here and there for our child.

[3xcookedchips]

Have you thought about mediation?

Depending on the age of your child the schedule is not that much time with father and extended family if you consider your child might be in nursery, childminder etc. The paternal family play only a peripheral part in your childs life.

The other thing to consider is the rights of your child, not yours, fathers or GPs. Your child has a right to relationship with the their paternal family.

Consider mediation.

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

I have considered mediation but my stb-exh has become increasingly aggressive ever since I begun the divorce process so I cant imagine mediation will go down well.

Child is not in nursery, I'm a stay at home parent.

[Lizadork]

Maybe this seems obvious but they are his parents so he should be arranging contact between his parents and his kids during his every other weekend visits. It is not up to you to facilitate that relationship. If he wants them to meet up then they do it on his time, not your time etc.

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

This is what I was thinking, Lizadork, I had tried to be nice in the past when we first split up but my ex has taken this as me being a pushover so he now makes demands and becomes aggressive when I dont comply.

My attempts to facilitate a relationship directly with ex-in laws on additional days has only resulted in me being messed about even more and they are now bypassing me and doing things through my (unreasonable) stb exh which then means he demands and gets aggressive towards me.

[Clangus00]

Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho

@Starlight456 , do you mean if I start arranging access with them now then they can apply to the court to continue that so its best I dont arrange access now? Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Yes that’s right. Tell him his parents can see the child during his contact times.
Don’t give in to this.

[Starlight456]

Yes I mean if you arrange contact separately you could end up in court arranging 2 lots of contact so yes tell him to arrange Contact with his parents during his time.

[3xcookedchips]

What objection do you have to him having more time with him and or the GPs

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

@3xcookedchips - Literally every single time my stb-exh has been meant to have our child since we split up he has either actually passed her onto his parents, last minute said he cant see her that day now or has demanded we change the plans with no thought to whether it's doable. When I say I cant do the new day or arrangement he wants due to prior commitments involving our child I receive a whole heap of abuse.

I havent stopped either him or his parents seeing her more than what we agreed when we first split until this week because if the level if abuse I get when I dont comply.

[kitk]

I agree with the PPs who say your child sees his paternal family on his dad's time unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

Ok, thank you all.

I've emailed my solicitor asking for advice too but response times from her office differ from day to day so I'm not expecting a fast response when I'm sure they have more pressing matters and situations to deal with.

[ImaginaryCat]

I'm not sure why you're allowing him to make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Simply text "advice from solicitor - contact with your family to be arranged by you during your contact time, as is standard in these cases", and then stop engaging.

[Shesellsseashellsbytheseafosho]

ImaginaryCat The relationship was a very controlling one, thankfully I'm free (to an extent) now but it's hard to change habits you've had for years where someone controls you and constantly tells you you're wrong. I totally agree that this is bigger than it needs to be so I will message him that later in the week.

[sittingonacornflake]

@ImaginaryCat has it bang on with that response. Copy and paste every time it comes up.